Two Years Ago: A Whore

Coy? I don’t think I’ve ever played coy, I wouldn’t even know what it is. I feel all the air trapped in my lungs, like there isn’t enough space for it. They’re burning but I can’t think beyond the sense of his face so close to mine. The overwhelming awareness of the heat from his bare body and his closeness as he nudges my cheek with his nose and exhales. There’s something strange happening with the light behind me and the way it’s making his skin look magical. As though he’s painted in silver with flashes of blue swirls.

I step back, panic warring against endless desire. I struggle to speak, to tell him to stop. I shuffle back, and feel the door pressing against the soaked fabric of my dress. I’ve never felt this way before, I don’t get close to people. I don’t let them get close to me. As the daughter of a duke, the consequences of being found with a man would be dire. But all the ways that this is wrong and needs to stop, slip away when finally, achingly his lips brush my cheek.

‘I’m going to kiss you,’ he whispers and I find myself biting my bottom lip, hard. By the Otherworld, I want that. But I’m holding my breath and he nudges me again. His hand curls against my cheek as his lips press to the other side of my face. I feel caught in his embrace, but it’s hard to make myself run. ‘Do you want me to kiss you?’ His voice is low, a murmur and I close my eyes.

I shut out all the warnings, the consequences, my panic and fear and for a moment I remember to breathe. I want this. It’s complete madness, but I want it with a desperation that I don’t recognise.

‘Yes,’ I whisper and the word binds me to my fate.

I feel his smile against my cheek as his fingers slide down, running along the line of my jaw. His thumb brushes the skin of my throat and I gasp, tilting my head back. Surprised by the unusual touch. It’s then that he bends and his lips brush mine. A light brush, soft and teasing. He kisses me gently, a brief touch before he pauses then touches his lips to mine once more. A first kiss. My first kiss. I feel like I could melt into a puddle and his free arm moves, sliding between me and the door. Holding my upright. He moves.

Slow and deliberate he presses himself against me, pinning me to the door that rattles in the latest boom of thunder. But with his arm around my waist I feel comforted, safe within the circle of his embrace as he brushes my lips once more. My heart is beating so hard that it hurts and my hands clench tightly at my sides.

‘Breathe…’ he murmurs against my mouth and I can’t help but blink and look at him. He’s so close that his short dark hair tickles my forehead. There’s water on his face, transferred from my skin to his. I can smell him, wood smoke, horse, ink and something else, maybe sweat but it’s sweet and delicious and I have a strange urge to lick his the base skin of his shoulder. My lips part and he presses his thumb to my lower.

‘Breathe,’ he encourages again and I nod, struggling to comprehend the actual world and what it means. Breathe…I gasp, sucking in air, eyes wide as he meets my gaze. He watches my face, staring and I’m flushed. My face is on fire with desire and embarrassment. He knows.

‘You’re not a whore,’’ he doesn’t move away and I’m glad. I want him close. I want him to stay like this, so we can both stay like this. In this moment without it ending. What if this is my only chance to feel these things? He’s waiting for an answer and I shake my head quickly, wide eyed.

‘Why did you let me kiss you?

His eyes are grey, cautious as they study me and I feel a drip of rain water snake down the side of my face and pause at the corner of my mouth. Now isn’t the time to tell a lie.

‘I wanted you to,’ the admission should be so foolish, but it’s the truth. One I could never deny. My desire is written all over my face. I can feel it in my body. As though a thread of tension runs through me, every inch of skin ready, burning with anticipation. If it wasn’t such a strange idea, I’d swear I could see the same grey blue light reflected on my own bare arms. The lightning flickers once more, but it sounds as though the storm is getting further away. Even if the rain is still pouring, rattling through the gutters beyond the door.

‘What’s your name?’ His gaze flickers over my face, he still hasn’t moved. He’s still holding me, it feels dangerous to hope, but maybe…maybe even if I’m not a whore, he still wants to kiss me.

‘Lana,’ I find myself searching his face once more and I can’t help myself. I lift my hand, touching my fingers to the rough beard that covers his jaw. The hair is softer than I thought it would be and I pull my hand back, leaving it to hang in the air beside him. I want to touch him again, but I’m not sure if I dare.

He lifts his hand from my neck and catches my fingers. He pulls my hand to his mouth and kisses the back of it, his eyes locked with mine. Heat blooms in my middle again, pooling in the centre of my body, sinking between my legs. I swallow, trying not to moan as he turns my hand over and runs his lips over my palm, intentional as he watches me.

‘Lana…’ he says my name against my skin and I can’t look away. I can’t even start to be ashamed of what he can read in my face. He knows how much I want him. I know it, he knows it. ‘Do you want me to kiss you again?’ The glow of his skin intensifies, and I can see the magic clearly now. Afterall, that’s my gift. I’m an investigator for the Crown, because I love mysteries, puzzles and I ask too many questions…but mostly because I can see magic. I’ve never seen it in someone’s skin before.

‘Yes,’ no hesitation. I couldn’t hold back now, even if the lightning hit the room we’re standing in.