Nine

VESPER GREY LYSAN POV 

Everything felt bleak, the numb feeling spreading through my system like smoke, thick and suffocating.

The sun had come up at a point, the bright lights streaking through the windshield, hitting my eyes and making me wince.

I turned my head, my gaze locking on the gun on the passenger seat.

Zevran's face flashed in my head, the look that had been on his face when he realized that I'd betrayed him making my heart clench.

My fingers curled around the steering wheel, my knuckles aching from the pressure. But it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough.

I shouldn't have killed Zevran. But it was too late for regret.

I sucked in a breath, fast and shallow, then grabbed the gun with a hand that wouldn't stop shaking.

The Mansion loomed ahead of me, dead and cold just like I remembered. How many months has it been since I was taken? How many days did I spend locked up? How many beatings did I endure without a single word from the woman I called my mother?

My jaw clenched, my teeth grinding as hate curled around my lungs. The burn behind my eyes returned, hotter this time but I blinked it back. This was not the time to cry. This was the time to finally stand up to her and let her know just how much she's hurt me.

I reached the door, my heart drumming in my ears, then I punched in the code. The door opened. I wasn't surprised.

Of course, it still worked. Selene never changed anything that belonged to her husband. It was her way of never letting me forget what I'd done.

My hands clenched, the cuts on my knuckles cracking. Had she really abandoned me because of that? Even after all these years.

I stepped inside, then froze, all the breath rushing out of my lungs.

Selene was standing in the center of the room like she always did. Our gaze met and held. She looked well, prettier than ever before. There were no dark circles or eye bags to hint that she'd even been a bit worried or lost sleep over me. 

Her gaze swept over me. Slowly. I watched her, my chest constricting as I held my breath.

She didn't look relieved; there was also no flicker of surprise that I was alive; no, what was on her face was pure disappointment.

"I thought I'd be getting your head today," she got out, her voice cold. "But turns out that coward couldn't even go through with it."

She set the pad in her hand down, then tucked a strand of hair behind her ear "You look like shit."

Tears clawed at the back of my throat, but I swallowed them, the sting anchoring me.

"You were really going to leave me to die?" I choked out, barely recognizing my voice from how raw it sounded. "Three good months, Selene. You abandoned your own family, and that's all you have to say?"

She didn't blink. "What did you expect me to do, Vesper?" She asked, spreading her hand as if she were the wronged one. "You didn’t think I'd let someone like Ilvane take your father's properties away from me, did you?" She stepped closer, heels echoing against the floor, her eyes hard.

"Don't you think it's enough that you killed your father? Do I need to lose everything, too? You were the one who let yourself get kidnapped! I told you what would happen if you did and now I'm supposed to pay for your mistakes?"

My hand lifted the gun before I knew I was doing it.

Selene stepped back, her brows arching as she stared at the gun in my hand. Then she laughed. Just a soft exhale, more scorn than fear.

"What are you going to do with that Vesper?" she asked. "Are you going to kill me too, like you killed your father?"

My body trembled, the air getting past my lungs not quite enough to keep me standing.

"I didn't kill him," I whispered.

Selene tilted her head, her eyes narrowing like she was dissecting something pitiful.

"Didn't you?" she asked, her voice sharp as glass. "Just look at yourself. Look at the way you're holding that gun to my face with that crazy look in your eyes.

Does it bring back memories? I'm sure it does." Her voice turned mocking, taunting, each word a dagger to my already scorched heart."Have you been itching to do it again? Go ahead then. Shoot me. Shoot me and get it over with just like you did to your father!"

Something inside me cracked and snapped 

The scream that ripped through me wasn't loud, no, it was the kind that tore your throat raw in silence. 

I lunged, the gun still in my hand, but I didn't fire.

I shoved her, my hands smacking her in the chest and she stumbled to the floor, a sharp gasp escaping her lips as her eyes bulged in shock.

I stood over her, shaking like a fish out of the water.

"You think I wanted any of this?" My voice trembled, unhinged. "I was just a child mother. I thought I was playing with a fucking toy. Do you think it's been easy for me? Do you think I don't see his blood every time I close my eyes?! What the hell do you want from me?!"

I leaned down, the gun shaking in my grip, my finger hovering—just hovering—over the trigger.

Her eyes didn't flinch. Not once. She just stared at me, like I was some pathetic animal she'd already decided to put down.

"If that's how hard it is for you, then go ahead and kill me too," she whispered. "Kill me like you killed your father and get it over with!" she screamed. "Because as long as I breathe, I'll never forgive you for what you did. You disgust me, Vesper. You should have just killed yourself that night. If you did, I wouldn't have had to look at you every day and be reminded of the man I lost."

Her words broke the last thread holding me together. My hand dropped, the gun falling to the floor. Then my legs gave out, folding beneath me as I hit the ground, the crushing feeling in my chest making it difficult to breathe. I gripped my hair, my head falling to the cold tile.

"It was an accident. It really was an accident. I didn't mean to kill him, I didn't..." I kept whispering, over and over again like it might change something.

"So pathetic," she said, her voice cold and distant. "Guards!" She called, the sound of an alarm going off.

The footsteps came fast, and all of a sudden, I was jerked up from the floor, rough hands digging mercilessly into my arms as they yanked them behind my back.

Cold metal touched my wrists. I didn't fight. I couldn't.

"Madam?" one of the guards holding me asked Selene, his voice clipped. "What do you want us to do with her?"

Selene smoothed her blouse, then fixed her hair like I hadn't just shoved her to the floor. She didn't even look at me.

"Take her to the facility," she said flatly. "As you can see, her time in captivity has made her quite unstable. She even tried to kill me just now... Who knows what they've done to her to make her go crazy... We can't take any chances"

I jerked at her words, my heart kicking against my ribs. "Selene—"

Her gaze finally flicked to me, but there was nothing in it. 

"You should've stayed gone, Vesper."

I shook my head, crying, clawing, and struggling as they dragged me away, but I knew it was useless.

I should've just stayed at Ilvane. No, I should have just shot myself instead of Zevran.