Finding Solace

Sam watched as Mya punched a boxing bag, one was already lying broken on the floor. Sweat dripped from her brow and ran in rivulets down her back. Her hair, usually blue and black, was long, unkept and most of the blue had grown out. Her bare hands were bruised, and bloodstains stayed behind after each punch. Sam knew she’d been at the bags for over an hour. Taylor, who’d dealt with her grief by taking care of everything alone, had asked Sam to check on Mya. Sam understood that Mya was grieving, but Taylor was too. And leaving her with all the arrangements, and dealing with Jane’s things, was unacceptable.

Sam leaned against the door frame and watched as Mya tore through another bag, and then hang another one. “You should take a break. Have some water, at least.” Mya gave no indication that she heard Sam, just adjusted her stance and started pounding again. Sam sighed and stepped into the gym. “Mya?”

“Just leave me alone, Sam.” Mya huffed. She didn’t look back, just kept hitting the bag. “Go.”

“I can’t,” Sam said. “Taylor asked me to check on you. She needs you.”

“I’m no use to her,” Mya grumbled and punched the bag harder. “Get out.”

“She’s dealing with the funeral arrange…” Sam flinched as Mya spun on her, her eyes blazing.

“Get. Out.” Mya snapped. She punctuated each word with a punch to Sam’s chest.

“You’re being an asshole, and you know it.” Sam stood her ground. “You both lost Jane. And you’re making her do all the hard stuff alone.”

“It’s my fault she’s dead. Taylor doesn’t need to look into my face all day and know that.”

“Bullshit!” Sam snapped. “Don’t diminish what Jane did, by blaming yourself. She went into that building, to do her job, one she was trained for!”

“And she died!” Mya snapped. “She never even turned! She stayed human, why?” Mya shoved the boxing bag and started pounding it again. “Why, the fuck, did she not, turn and kill him?” Mya snapped. Her words filled with pain. “She could have taken him. And who the hell was that woman who stabbed her?”

“I don’t know, Mya,” Sam admitted. She’d been surprised too, to find out that Simile and Emily had thought that Jane was one of the agents who didn’t shift. When she’d asked why Emily had said that Jane never turned. She’d stayed in her human form. And none of them had any idea why she’d done that. Taylor had said that it had something to do with Jane wanting to respect the fact that Emily wanted to win her fight with Diego fairly. And having two wolves against one would have taken away from Emily. Sam wanted to believe that was the case. Needed to. Because what else could it be? “But you have to stop blaming yourself. And start being there for Taylor.”

“She doesn’t want me around, Sam.” Mya circled the boxing bag and sagged against it. “I came home, Jane…” She choked on the name. “She didn’t. And seeing me reminds her of that.”

“Did she say that?”

“No, but she didn’t have to. I can see it in her eyes.” She’d promised to keep Jane safe. “I broke my promise to Tay.”

“Sit down,” Sam said. She walked to the bench in the corner and after sitting herself, patted the space next to her. “Come sit.”

“I don’t want…”

“Just come sit down, Mya, please,” Sam said softly. And after a minute Mya walked over and sat down. “Taylor doesn’t blame you.” She touched Mya’s knee to keep her quiet. “She never blamed you.” Sam closed her eyes for a second then opened them and looked into Mya’s eyes. “She blames me.”

“What? But…”

“I took you both with me. I said it would be okay to go, and only took Luke as a backup. I didn’t follow my wolf into a fight. I let her go with a stranger to protect that stranger, without backup. Taylor doesn’t blame you. She needs you.”

“It’s not your fault,” Mya said. She ran a finger over the open knuckles. “She did what she was trained to do.” Mya sucked in a breath. Her whole body shook as the pain ripped through her. “She did what we train to do. And she died.” She laid her head back against the wall. “I can’t go home, Sam.” Mya let tears roll, she didn’t even try to wipe at them. “Everything has her in it, on it. Her scent, her laughter, it’s all right there at home.”

“That’s a good thing, it helps you remember the good times. And you have to remember that you’re leaving Taylor with all that too.” Sam laid a hand on Mya’s knee. “She lost her too. She’s trying to be strong for you, but she’s losing her grip on that.” Sam shook her head. “She threw a book at Pax’s mom today. Then nearly bit Lucy’s head off over something small.”

“I don’t know how to be there for her when I can’t even get my own emotions under control,” Mya admitted.

“Maybe you should try and deal and heal together,” Sam suggested.

“Fuck, Sam it hurts, my soul hurts.” Mya dropped her head on her knees. “How must Taylor feel? She lost her mate! They were connected, heart and soul.”

“Same as you!” Sam rubbed her shoulders. “Don’t for one second think that your connection to Jane was any less than Taylor’s with her.” She looked up when Taylor came in. “It’s not.”

“Baby?” Taylor asked softly, when she saw the tears, felt the anguish in Mya’s gaze, she rushed to her, knelt in front of her, and pulled Mya into her arms.  “Oh, baby.”

“I’m sorry, Tay, I’m so sorry!” Sam stood and left the women alone with their grief.

Amber walked toward Sam and held out her hands. “Are they okay?”

“No, but they will be, they’ll do better now.” Sam kissed Amber and looked back over her shoulder. “They’ll do better together.”