CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER#8 : Loneliness VS Happiness

[Jacob’s P.O.V]

꧁❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎꧂

“I never imagined getting so close to you like this again… I miss our friendship Lee, I miss you so much…” I said as I caress sleeping Lee's face.

“I tried to ignore your presence because; I don't want to feel my heart racing again… I can't let myself love a boy like you, I'm always getting jealous every time I saw Irene and you having a good time—that should be me and not her. I'm your best friend not her,” I said as my tears started to escape from my eyes. I caress his right hand with both of my hands.

“I hope after the graduation you will have the best time of your life Lee. It's was the wish I want to tell you when you go up to the stage,” I said and grip his hand lightly.

“You should also start doing math problems all by yourself. You can do that without my help,” I said and stood up as I wipe my tears.

I turned to the door and was about to reach for the knob when Lee spoke, “J-Jacob…” His voice was croaking.

Did he heard all the things that I said?

“D-Did you hear it all?” I said nervously looking at him.

He shook his head and point at the chair beside the clinic bed. “P-please sit here for awhile,” he said in a gently croak tone.

“W-what was it?” I asked.

“Thank you for saving my life,” he said and smiled at me.

‘Damn. I miss that smile.’

“No worries,” I replied to him.

“Jacob…” he said.

“Hmm?” I looked at him.

“May I know the reason why you got mad at me after you came back?” he said and his face tells me that he's in pain.

“A-about that…” I said and hold on my nape.

“I got mad because you never visited me in the hospital… and when I came back to school, you were with Irene… not even noticing my presence,” I said and looked down on the floor…

He held my hands and smiled… “I was there the whole time…” he said, “I might immigrate to Canada and study there for high school,” he added.

I just looked at him with no expression seen on my face…

‘He's going to leave me…’

“Goodluck… Study hard in Canada,” I said and stood up and went immediately to the door.

“You won't miss me right? I'm not a friend anymore,” he said. “I was afraid that I might leave you but now I'm fine. Knowing that I won't leave anyone waiting for me here in Korea,” he added and gestured me that I should leave and do the things that was going to do.

I start sniffing to stop my tears from falling as I walk out of the clinic’s door. I can no longer prevent my tears so I started to walk in the corridor with heads down.

Why should he leave? Why would he choose to study far away? What about me? What about the friendship we had since we were kids? Will he just put it to waste?

“Jacob! I've been waiting for you here for so long. Where have you been?” Irene said as she walks towards my direction.

“HMM. Just in the comfort room,” I said and secretly wipe of my tears.

“B-but the comfort room was on that way…” she said dumbfounded as she pointed at the opposite direction.

“Ah. Yeah,” I said and smiled at her flatly.

“Your driver just dropped by earlier to pick you up, that's why I'm wandering around just to find where you were,” she said and aligned her both index finger.

“Jacob…” she said sweetly. “Do you want to hang out tonight?” she asked but I just looked at her and shook my head.

“Not in the mood right now Irene,” I said and pats her head.

“Oh. Sorry,” she said and looks down. “I must go ahead. Sorry Jacob,” she said and waves her goodbye.

I looked at her running away from me. She was such a sweet girl but she's right for a guy like me. I like her but my heart never beat like crazy whenever she's around. We're almost act like a couple but never been a couple. I know Irene always confesses her feelings that she likes me.

She's always telling me what happen to her every day when I'm inside the hospital. She also said Lee never flirted with her but I just associated it with my jealousy and the like for him.

Irene was such a sweet girl always wanting me to hang out with her occasionally. Maybe she also lacks of someone who can love her… but I'm not that person.

I smiled bitterly as I walked to the direction where our car was parked.

“Young Miss Hae Soo was already at home. She couldn't wait for you a little longer because she needs to go to the comfort room,” our chauffeur said. I just nod at him. The drive seemed to be so long and tiring even if it was just only 20mins travel time.

Lee said he was with me the whole time. Did he really care for me back then? If he actually really does, then it means that I hurted him so much… I was the one who stayed away without asking for the truth…

“I'm sorry I got scared knowing the truth Lee,” I said to myself as I entered our house.

I roamed my eyes inside our house. Our house never gets a dull aura like this. Was that my emotions or the house really feels lonely?

“Jacob, my Son!” I turned to look at daddy who called my attention.

“You went home early dad,” I said and smile.

This was the first time he went home so early. Usually he goes home at dawn then the next day goes to the company early morning.

“I and your mom have good news,” he said and pats my shoulders. Dad smiles. I rarely see him smile but I know the smile that he was wearing right now is the most genuine he ever made.

“We are waiting for you to go home. What took you so long?” mom said as she go towards daddy’s direction and place her hands around his arm.

They are happy. Maybe I'm wrong that the house feels lonely. I'm the one who feels lonely. Neither the house nor my family, it was me all along.

I went upstairs to change into my casual wear and place my things inside our room then went downstairs to the kitchen.

I saw our maids preparing the meals and setting up the table.

“What's the event today?” I asked to everyone seating in front of the table.

They just smiled and shrug...

“Jacob, I'm so excited.” My sister leaned to me and whisper.

I saw daddy inhaled before he started to open his mouth to say, “We are now in the top 10 perfume makers in the world. Our Tokyo Branch started to operate few days ago. And maybe next week I will fly to Japan and visit the branch.” My sister started to clap and so as mom.

My eyes glistened in joy. “Really, DADDYY?” I said and look at him with over flowing joy in my eyes.

“Isn't it your favorite country? My graduation gift for you is that you will go to Japan a week after my flight then when you got there, you can buy all the things that you want. I will let you have the excess Black Card. You can use just until your stay in Japan,” he said and I saw my sister waving her Black Card.

“I can really have another card differ from that noona was holding?” I said in gaping mouth. They all nod at me.

I cried in disbelief. “Thank you so much Daddy,” I said and started to eat my food with my tears flowing to my cheeks.

“Stop crying while you eat,” my sister scolds me.

“I'm not crying I'm just very happy. I can travel to Japan,” I said but then looked at daddy again.

“Do mom and noona going with me?” I asked.

“Of course! I can't let it go if you're just the one going to Japan. A no-no!!” my sister said as she frowned at me.

“That's so NICEE!” I said excitedly.

“But the good news doesn't end there!” mom said and place a brown envelope on the table. She smiled and gestured that I and my sister should open it.

“OMG! MOM! You're pregnant!” my sister said screaming in joy.

“You're pregnant! You're pregnant MOMMY!” I also said while jumping in joy with my sister.

“Is it a girl or a boy?” We both asked and go to mommy’s direction.

I sat on my Daddy’s lap while facing mom and my sister kneeled in front of mom to touch her tummy.

“Make it fast to grow inside mommy's womb baby. We are so excited to see you,” I said as I caress mommy's tummy.

_____

“Mommy, I still can't believe that I will be an older brother soon,” I said to Mom. We're currently inside her room because she said she will show something to me.

“Me too, Jacob. I really can't believe that I will still be pregnant. You know that your dad only wants two children but what I actually like is to have 5 children. I always want a big family,” she said while rubbing her tummy.

“Do you already know what the baby's gender is?” I asked her.

She shook her head as a response. “I'm only in my 4^th month of pregnancy. The baby's gender usually appears in the middle of the 4^th-5^th month or exactly on the 5^th month of pregnancy,” she said and pats my head.

I nod in response to her. “I hope the baby grows faster and also healthy just like you mom,” I said to her.

“You don't want the baby to be like you?” she asked. I shook my head.

“A no-no! I don't want the baby to be like me. I'm not a very healthy kid since I was born. I don't want him/her to experience hospitalization in weeks or worst in months,” I said to her and smiled.

“Son,” she said. Mommy rarely calls me son; she always calls me in my name.

“Yes mommy?” I asked.

“What gender do you want for the baby to have?” Mommy said.

“A girl,” I said.

“You want a sister again not a brother?” she asked and hold my hand.

“Yes mom. I'm in doubt that I can be a good brother if the baby is a he. Little boys are stubborn,” I said and shrugged, “unless dad will teach him how to behave,” I added.

She chuckles because of what I said. She hugged me and whispered in my ear, “Even if the baby will be a he or a she, I will always assure you that I will protect him/her from dad especially if they start growing in doubt of their selves,” she caresses my back gently as if she's calming my whole being from all the worries that I have.

“I love you, Son,” she moved away from the hug and cupped my face. “I will always protect you my child,” she said as her tears started to escape her eyes.

“Why are you crying mommy?” I said as my voice also sounded croaky.

She shook her head and smiles while caressing my hair. “My pregnancy just made my emotions like a roller coaster ride,” she said as her tears volume up.

“Mommy…” I said as my tears build up in my eyes.

In a snap, all my happy thoughts inside my mind were replaced with the thing that really worries me.  Loneliness slowly filled up my whole being as my tears started to flow like a river on my eyes.

“Lee will move to Canada to study. I will lose my only friend mommy,” I said as I kept wiping my tears that I can no longer stop from falling.

“Shh. Everything will be alright. He won't forget about you Jacob. He will comeback for you. You must be happy because there's still much time for you and Lee to reconcile,” she said and wipe my tears.

I shook my head and look at her while I'm still crying.

“I never bother to know what he feels mommy. I never asked him if I'm still his friend. I never asked why did he not visited me at the hospital while I was confine there. I never listened to him once. Now, it was too late for me to say sorry,” I said while my sight becomes blurry because of tears and my shoulders started to move.

“All that matters to me were my feelings and the unwanted feelings that always been here… I stayed away from him because I don't want to get confused and be a monster. I don't want to be a monster to him mommy. I always wanted to save him from Mr. Moon yet I'm the one beginning to be a monster to him,” I said crying in so much sorrow and regrets.

“Shh. You don't need to feel like that. You will never be a monster like him,” she said and slowly but gently tapping my shoulders, “Liking someone is not being a monster son. We will always accept who you are. Even though some of us will not accept it in an instance, we will always understand and accept who you are with open arms. A family will always be the first one to accept your flaws. Even if it's hard to fully understand the current situation but a family must accept one’s flaws to be called a family,” she added that made me cry heavily.

“Y-You know all along… that I'm a gay?” I said while looking directly into her eyes.

She nods and smiles. The most genuine smile that I ever seen in my entire life—the smile from the person who gave birth to me and the person who first accept who I truly was.

_______

[Manuel Seo’s P.O.V.]

I went upstairs to bring food for my wife. I never intend to eavesdrop but I also don't have the courage to knock on her door, hearing that my son and wife are seriously talking what was inside their hearts.

“Y-you know all along… that I'm a gay?” I heard my son asked to my wife.

A tear fell to my cheeks as I heard it. I much as I want to hold my grip to the food tray the more my tears filled up my eyes. Hearing my son’s and wife's sobs were like squeezing my heart into dust but hearing my son's words is much painful than millions of daggers stabbing me. I don't want my weakness to drag me down. I don’t want to pick on someone who's weaker than me. I don't want to hurt my son as much as he's hurting me but it's so difficult to accept his truthful words, full-heartedly.

I put the tray on the floor gently as I sat down on the floor feeling so weary. I don't know how long I've been seated on the floor not until I saw my wife looking at me outside her door. She looked at me with tears filling her eyes. I nodded at her and gestured her to hug me. My tears instantly fall the moment I felt the warmth inside her hug.

“Accept who he is okay? You must be brave to protect our family no matter what happen okay?” she said crying while hugging me tightly.

I shut my eyes tightly to prevent my tears from falling but it made no sense. I puffed air to calm myself. I hold both of her shoulders and look at her.

“I can do it. As long as you're there to calm me,” I said and tried to smile in front of her.

“I know you can,” she said and gave me the warmest kiss. “Do it for me okay?” she said and hugged me.

I nodded at her with my eyes tightly shut. This will be the most difficult and the most complicated situation I've been to, that all I can do is just accept and fight on what I believe that is right.

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