the depth of his pain

Author’s P. O. V.

Yash was performing the last rituals of Shayra his daughter was in Sherlin’s hands; “make everyone touch the flowers and flow them in the river,” the priest said as Yash nodded everyone did but Ahana started crying as soon as it was her turn to touch the flowers.

“Ahana, baby, touch them, say bye to mamma,” Yash said as little aahana looked at him, her eyes filled with tears.

She angrily threw the flowers into the basket and turned her head to her other side; she was too little to understand what was happening.

Yash closed his eyes as he threw her leftover bones and last flowers into the Ganga.

They all took dips in the water as per the rituals and after finishing the last rituals they proceed to give food to beggars, Yash gave food plates to all those who came to him with a sad smile on his face.

“May god bless you with long life, “One of the elders among the beggars blessed him.  

“Maaie, give her all the blessings of a long and happy life, all those you want to give me,” Yash said as he took Ahana in his arms.

Every beggar blessed Aahana who kept giggling and laughing with them.

“Suniye,” (hey) he said to the last beggar who was walking away without taking food. The beggar who had a petite body stopped; whoever it was, his or her face was covered with a blanket and so was the body.

“Here please take the food,” He said as he picked up a packet of food and went towards the beggar with Aahana still in his arms.

The closer he went; the more he felt a little awkward; his heart was beating fast; he realized he was standing close to the beggar who seemed like a woman. He could not see her face so he did not know how old she might be.

The beggar kept her hand in front of him as he noticed the wrinkles on her skin, He kept the food in the beggar’s hands as Aahana started wiggling in his grip.

“Aahana baby, what happened?” He asked cooing to her but she started crying even more.

“Sherlin,” He called her as she walked to him.

The beggar was about to place her hand on Aahana’s head and hesitated; Yash noticed this.

“Please give her your blessings,” Yash said to remove the hesitation of the beggar, the beggar nodded and placed her hand on Aahana’s head.

Surprisingly Aahana stopped wiggling and leaned onto the touch of the beggar; “Haa Yash?” Sherlin said as she came to see him but Yash’s eyes were fixed on the beggar who was walking away slowly, it seems like she had some problem with her legs.

“Yash,” Sherlin kept her hand on his shoulder as he came out of his thoughts; he gave Aahana to her as she stood beside him giving food to some other beggars that come to get food.

“We should leave,” Jai, Yash’s brother-in-law / best friend said to him as he nodded. Every last ritual was completed.

…

Yash was in his thoughts when he felt a weight on his shoulders; he turned his head to look at Sherlin napping on his shoulder as Aahana slept in her arms.

They were on their way back to Kapoor's mansion. The shawl she was wearing was almost sliding down her shoulders causing her to shiver as she hugged Aahana close to her chest.

Yash took a deep breath and started adjusting her shawl; he did that for Shayra a lot.

He was about to place the shawl on her shoulders properly when the car jerked, Yash fell on Sherlin as she woke up with a jolt.

“What happened?” She asked as she cooed aahana was waking up a little from her sleep.

“Sorry, sir there was a dog in the middle of the road,” the driver said to Yash but when he noticed the position Yash and Sherlin were in, he was quick to say sorry and look ahead.

“I was just fixing your shawl,” Yash said to Sherlin as she nodded and fixed the shawl for her; he sat back in his seat; the rest of the ride Yash avoided looking at Sherlin at all costs.

When they reached the mansion; Yash ran to his room as others looked at him; he was miserable without Shayra, everyone knew that but they could not say a thing to him.

Shayra’s death was not something he could ever get over; “I should talk to him,” Jai said but Yash’s mother held his hand.

“He needs to let the realization sink in, he needs to cope with his anger and hurt, let him be alone for some time,” As much as Jai did not want to obey his mother-in-law, he knew she was right.

“I should get going maa, your daughter must be tired of handling the kids alone,” Yash’s mother nodded at him as he walked to his room.

Yash had wrapped another one of Shayra’s clothes around his shoulders; he was trying to have some of her scents but was becoming faint in their room.

He closed his eyes as he found himself alone; he heard a knock on the door; “coming,” he said before he kept Shayra’s dress on his bed and walked towards the door.

Yash pulled the door open as his eyes fell on Sherlin who was wearing a satin nightgown with a nice cover-up over it. She nodded at him as he looked at her; nope she was not there to seduce him or anything.

“Maa is calling you to have dinner,” She said as she put a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“I am not hungry,” Sherlin frowned as she looked at him. He was about to close the door when she pushed it and invited herself into the room.

“Sherlin!” Yash’s voice was firm, he did not want to talk to her or anyone else.

She closed the door and looked at him.

“What do you think you are doing?” She asked him as he started to walk inside the bathroom; he did not want to have this talk with her.

“Stop avoiding me Yash,” Sherlin said as she held his hand and closed the door of the bathroom.

“I am not avoiding you, Sherlin,” He said to her as he started to look anywhere but at her.

“Oh really? Then why are you not looking at me?” Sherlin folded her arms around her chest as she looked at him.

“Sherlin I do not wish to have this talk with you right now,” Sherlin looked at him in irritation.

“Then when will you have this talk with me? When you’ll be declared malnourished in front of the whole country? Billionaire Yash Kapoor found malnourished!” She made a dramatic expression as Yash took a deep breath.

“Sherlin,” He said her name in order to shut her up but she just glared at him.

“She would not want that, she would not want you to starve yourself to death as you gain some control after her death, She is not here but she would not want it,” Sherlin said in anger but Yash kept quiet.

“Starving yourself is not going to solve your problems Yash,“ She said as he glared at her.

“You do not know the depth of the pain I am in so stay the fuck away from me, you may have vermillion and nuptial chain of my name in your neck but you are not my wife Sherlin, do you get that? “

“I—I do not the depth of your pain. I?” She said in disbelief.

“Yes you don’t know a thing so stay the fuck away, Sherlin,” Yash said in his anger but only met with the dead eyes of Sherlin.

“I-- the man I loved all my life came to kill me, I don’t know your pain? I lost my child right after he was born, I don’t know the depth of your pain. I did not get my parent’s love, my only family is dead and I don’t know the depth of your pain?” Sherlin’s voice reflected how dark her pain was.

A wave of guilt immediately hit Yash; he knew what had happened in the past but he still said all that to her in anger, he just wanted her to go away and leave him alone, he did not want to hurt her, at least not intentionally but looks like he just did.

“Sherlin I—“

“Don’t Yash Kapoor,” Sherlin said as she cut him off showing him her hand. Her eyes were turning red.

“I am married to the man who will never be able to give me what a woman wants, I won't understand your pain?” a tear escaped her eyes as Yash looked away from her.

The truth was, they both were hurting over the same person and the hurt was undeniably painful; so painful that they both were burning in it.

“You fucking slept with me Yash, I won’t understand the pain?” a wall of guilt fell on Yash; he did not want to remember anything about that night.

He was drunk and hurt; he has no justification for what he had done but just guilt for his action.

“Sherlin--,”

“If you want to stay alive—no breathing for your daughter then go eat because looks like your soul already died with Shayra,” After saying that She walked out of his room banging the door hard.

Sherlin was hurt; she ran to her room as Jai and everyone looked at them, even though the room was soundproof the door was left ajar a little, and the family heard almost everything.

“Will Bhai ever be able to be normal again maa?” Yash’s sister asked her mother as she wiped a tear off her cheek.

“I do not know,” It was all that her mother could say.

Tears after tears kept rolling down Sherlin’s cheeks as she sat on the couch, little Aahana was busy in the cartoons while Sherlin cried.

She traced her hand at one of the photos she kept of Avinash in her room; Shayra had asked her to get rid of them, and she too had agreed to burn them all but somehow this one was left, or let's say Sherlin desperately hide this one from Shayra.

She did not want to be hurt or upset, whatever happened and whatever she did was her past but the hurt was still present.

She kept the photo back on the table before she wiped her eyes; she had Aahana, and she did not need anyone.

Shayra left her responsibility and she was Aahana’s Massi and she will take care of her even more than her mother could.

Yash, on the other hand, trashed his room; he threw the comforter, pillows, and everything on the ground as he cried; he kept screaming but there was no one to calm him down.

“SHAYRA!” He sobbed like a little kid asking for his solace but there was no one he could have that anymore.

“Aaaaaahhhhhhh” He screamed and sobbed all he could but none of this was ever going to get his Shayra back for him.

Sherlin said it right; his soul did die with Shayra; he was just breathing, and he was not alive anymore. If it was not for their daughter, he would have killed himself.

Like in old times, the wife used to leave her soul with the death of her husband, He too would have died with her but he could not because of the promise he made to shayra.

He needs to breathe for his daughter.

“Just 21 years Shayra, I will give my life the day I get Aahana married, I will be at peace with you and you have to come to get me when it’s my time,” He said to her picture as he sat on the floor, wrapping a few of her dresses around his body; he cried himself to sleep once again.