CHAPTER 15- ADMIRATION OR SAME-SEX ATTRACTION?

  "I am just joking, I don't even know your situation, but it is a very good book, try to read it", Stephen offered. I could not help but feel giddy hoping I would find a solution to my admiration for boys. 

  I thanked him continuously before leaving as I scrolled through the book on my way to the class. Either it is admiration or not, I will surely find the answers to my doubting mind.

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  I got home that Friday and I couldn't be more joyous than ever when I saw my older brother Matthew at home. He just finished his  200 Level Second Semester as a student of Business Administration and he would be staying at home for more than 2 months. ' Maybe if I find answers to the big question in my mind, I can share it with him. I just hope he listens and helps too', I thought

  My brother and I talked throughout the afternoon, and I must confess nothing has changed about him. He is still the same Matthew, talk less as usual. I believe he should be gisting me about university life but it is quite different as I am the one telling him about the crazy moments in my school, while he talks briefly about his school.

  Night finally drew near as I finished my dinner and crept to my bedroom with the book Stephen gave me. My brother has already settled in the other bedroom with his phone and earpiece watching a movie. I felt like joining him in his room but couldn't after remembering I had to read that book, and I might be invading his privacy. He is 4 years older than me.

  I read through the pages of the book and I must confess the topics are really interesting. It has different sections, each section giving more details to a topic each.

  Section 1 talks about the opposite sex, dating, and virginity, section 2 explaining life changes in teenagers' life. Section 3 expatiate on friendship and friendship issues while section 4 talks about schools and peers. Section 5 and 6 explain everything relating to money, parents, and living a happy life with your parents.

  I was still reading until I reached chapter section 7 which has to deal with 'feelings'. I saw a topic which caught my attention ' How can I Avoid Homosexuality?' and I suddenly grew interested in the topic.

  I read through the experiences of teenagers who were mentioned in the book. I saw a particular point that says

 'But what if you feel attracted to a member of the same sex, does that makes you homosexual? The answer was a No and it was explained that 'Because one might be in his\her bloom of youth, and might have this involuntary sexual arousal'.

     I facepalmed myself as I used my right hand to clean the beads of sweat on my forehead. The truth was clear to me now.

   I felt my whole body vibrate at the fact that I am developing feelings for the same sex. It was not admiration but same-sex attraction. I was attracted to the same sex all along. This is impossible,' I thought. I only admired them right? I kept asking myself as tears trickle down my face

   Cleaning the tears, I started scanning the book for a solution. Every problem has a solution, mine should have one,' I tried reassuring myself, as I stifled my sobs.

  

    I kept opening the pages of the book but could not pinpoint a particular solution.

   As for now, I can't stop the attraction until I am past my bloom of youth or when my hormones stop fluctuating.

  

  My mind flashed back to those I have been attracted to. I was attracted to Kabir because he was cute and charming. My second attraction which was Daniel was a weird one because I like his angry face which looks attractive to me. Ife, my third attraction has this killer smile and that kept me in a craving state. Bazeet facial features made me have this sparkle that glows in my body, his pink lips drew me.

   Paul, my 5th attraction, was a joker, but I felt warm inside when I saw him smile. Ethan, my 6th attraction was the last person I would have thought of getting attracted to. I connected the dots and realized I never had this great esteem(admiration) for them, their physical features drew me into a trance of attraction.

   

    The cold night caused a cold sensation as I felt goosebumps. I have been attracted to six boys my entire life. 

   My body starts becoming numb at the thoughts of having a same-sex attraction for the past 2 years. I looked further into the book and noticed another point but knowing that  the problem within me might not get a solution  hurts me the most

  I am not sure of any solution to end it, to end my problem, my problem of 'same-sex attraction'. The strange part is that I am presently developing two feelings for two different people. I am having an attraction for the same sex for Ethan and at the same time, I have a crush on Rachael, so pathetic.

  When will this attraction stop? Will I be free from those imaginations? What if others start developing attraction towards me especially when I am epicene( have both male and female characteristics).

  Tears welled up my eyes as I thought about all this. It would have been better if I had not known the truth about this. At least I won't have the thoughts of being gay constantly knocking my mind even though I knew I did not involve myself in homosexual acts. 

  I am slowly moving out of the normal life I wished for. My life will be filled with dealing with two feelings at a time. My feminine part of me is developing the attraction for  Ethan while the masculine part of me is developing a crush on Rachael.

  I am presently attracted to Ethan and crushing on Rachael, how stupid of me", I thought as I quietly sobbed lying on the bed. I felt weak instantly, as a gasp escaped my mouth. My whole body temperature started increasing suddenly, and my eyelids started closing. 

   I began to hear voices in my head. 'You hate gays, but you are now one. You are attracted to your seatmate. What if others become attracted to you? You are in big trouble.

  I closed my eyes tightly as I slowly blackout.