22: Definitely not in love

Cassie POV

Jealousy? Liking Joshua? Falling for him? What the hell was my friend talking about?

“What are you going on about, you crazy girl?” I questioned, finding her speculations utterly ridiculous. She had her eyes slightly widened and her mouth agape, showing surprise. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because it seems totally true that you’re falling for him,” she said. “God, how did I not notice this before? You’ve been talking about him nonstop since that night at the club, even when you had to get back at Mark Skyland, and now you’re here all smitten over him.”

I laughed dryly, finding it absurd. “Nonsense, don’t be stupid. I just find Joshua Carter interesting, that’s all,” I denied. I was completely in denial—this possibility had never crossed my mind. I mean, why would I fall for him? I wasn’t *that* crazy.

“Girl, how long have I known you? Twenty-five years?” she said.

I rolled my eyes. “First of all, neither you nor I are that old.”

“It was a metaphor, babe,” she said. “I mean I’ve known you long enough to know you’re into this guy. I was dumb not to see it sooner.” She smacked her own forehead.

My mind started dwelling on it. Was I really starting to like Joshua? Well, my heart always raced when I saw him, and lately, I’d been thinking about him a lot. But did that mean I was falling in love with him?

“Forget it, girl. That’s so unlikely. Joshua and I are very clear about what we want.” I made a point to say this to her, and I needed to hear those words coming out of my mouth, to cling to them and reassure myself I was safe.

She laughed. “Well, he might have his feelings for you all figured out, but do you? Are you on the same page?” Beck kept probing.

“God, I just said I am!” I was almost shouting.

She had to stop pestering me so much. It was making me nervous. But why was I so nervous if I didn’t even like Joshua Carter? Why was she bothering me, then…? I started getting scared of my own thoughts. I feared my reactions were revealing more about me than I could handle.

“Should I remind you that there are a million things you need to consider and that falling for Joshua Carter would be the worst blow of your life?” she asked a bit loudly, in a scolding tone.

I knew she was just trying to protect me, but this conversation was making me uncomfortable. “I mean,” she continued, “everyone knows you can’t fall for a guy like that. Besides being way too old for you, he’s a pervert, a perfect pimp who hires young girls to satisfy his sleazy desires.

Accepting his offer to be his consort, hooking up with him, letting him fuck you however he wants, going to places, taking expensive trips, and all that stuff in his company can be fun if you’re on the same wavelength.

But if you add ‘love’ to the equation, it’s obvious you’re going to get hurt, and badly. My God, girl. Didn’t you learn anything from that jerk of an ex-boyfriend?”

I stood up from the couch, sighing loudly. “Stop talking nonsense, I already said, damn it!” At this point, I was shouting at her. “I’m not in love with Joshua Carter, and I never will be! And stop talking about fucking Mark Skyland!” I yelled, throwing the words at her, and stormed out of the living room to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me, not wanting to see my friend anymore.

In love? She thought it was that easy for me to fall in love? I’m Cassandra Millans, for God’s sake. I’m the girl who doesn’t fall in love easily with just anyone. Ask Mark how long it took for me to even fall for him.

I’m the girl who’s got herself all figured out, with my whole life planned and organized. Besides, I had goals and objectives to achieve, and Joshua Carter wasn’t one of them. Hanging out with him was purely for fun, something to look back on when I’m older. I was definitely not in love with Joshua Carter.

I sighed and cursed my friend from inside my room for shaking up my thoughts so much. I took off my clothes and went to the bathroom to take a shower and relieve all that tension.

I let the hot shower water run down my back, but my mind drifted back to Joshua—the way he kissed me when we were showering together in the bathroom, how he caressed my body and made me feel completely his…

Maybe what I felt for him was just sexual attraction. Yes, Beckie was wrong. She thought I was romantically into Joshua when, in reality, it was just his body that interested me. It was all about sex, nothing more. I sighed and smiled, relieved.

Nothing more.

After finishing my shower, I put on pajamas and sat on the bed. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand, all the while thinking about Joshua. What was he doing now? Had he already gotten home, or maybe gone somewhere else? Maybe meeting friends for a drink.

Was he thinking about me the way I was thinking about him? I opened my phone and went to his contact in the messaging app. I checked his profile—he didn’t even have a profile picture; it was blank.

Why the hell didn’t he have a profile picture? Especially now when I wanted to look at his photo and admire his beauty… I hated it and grumbled, lying back on the bed.

I opened our chat and saw he was online. Our chat was completely empty since we’d never texted before. I sighed, wanting so badly to talk to him, to send a message… Should I actually send one?

Would that bother him? Had that man given me the green light to message him whenever I wanted? After all, this was real life, and he was a completely different guy from me, living a totally different life.

But I was remembering the things we experienced at the beach house in Los Angeles. Despite our age and social status differences, in that beach house, Joshua showed me his true self during this weekend trip.

So, I decided not to overthink the cons, typed a quick “hi,” and sent it before I could second-guess and delete it, pretending I hadn’t done anything.

I tossed the phone on the bed and covered my face with the pillow, letting out a squeal of excitement and nervousness. I had actually sent him a message… Would he reply? Or would he ghost me?

I was so nervous, but then my phone buzzed with a message notification, making it clear he’d responded—and Joshua was quick, by the way.

I grabbed the phone and checked our chat. He replied with a “hi” too and sent a pulsing red heart emoji. I smiled foolishly without realizing it—the way he got to me was different.

Then we chatted for a while.

Cassie: Hi, everything okay?

Josh: I appreciate that you messaged me first.

Cassie: Really? Why?

Josh: Because I was afraid you’d think I’m a total creep and pervert since it hasn’t even been two hours since we saw each other.

Cassie: *laughing emoji* I didn’t even notice that.

Josh: Seriously, I thought you might find it weird. Like, what does this guy want with me? Doesn’t he give me a break?

Cassie: Actually, I was hoping you’d message me.

Josh: I feel like our thoughts are connected. I’m still thinking about you.

Cassie: Stop, you’re making me all giddy.

Josh: I know you spent the whole weekend with me, but I really wish you were here with me now.

Cassie: Ugh, I wish you were here with me too.