When A Quiet Woman Snaps

Divorce

Being married, as far as I'm concerned, is rewarding. It feels like having your own best friend, a lover, a person who brings you medicine and a glass of water when you are sick, and someone who helps you build your dreams as much as you have for them. It's relaxing. 

But throughout this journey, I realized it's not always the happiness, the sweet little giggles, the kisses... and everything we thought it would be. Sometimes it's depressing, daunting, and gloomy. This is the type of marriage I'd never expected I will choose to settle in. I deserve better than this.

"Order in the court!"

Ang mainit na sinag ng araw ang sumalubong sa akin. I took a deep breath for the second time as I calmly feel its blazing hotness together with a strong, blustery wind. This is exactly what Miami feels like. I smiled genuinely for the first time after three months. Finally, for a second, I feel relaxed.

Nagsimula na akong maglakad nang may naalala. I remember I still have someone who's waiting for my presence. I still have an angel to take care with. Loosening up a bit is fine, but that cutie should always go first.

Napangisi ako sa ideyang iyon. I'm thankful that someone is still anticipating for my existence. Uuwi ako ng bahay na may nakangiting mukha ang nag-aantay sa akin. Kahit na halos kumpleto naman na ang araw niya kahit wala ako, mag-aantay pa rin siya.

Napahinto ako sa paglalakad nang may aninong nakaharang sa dadaanan ko. I raised my gaze and found him standing before me. He's wearing a long sleeve turtle neck top and a gray slacks for his bottoms. His hair is messy, but it still looks good on him. Hindi iyon kagaya ng lagi niyang ayos. He looks weary and exhausted, like how he always looks these past three months, but he still managed to give me his bloodshot eyes. I scoffed.

"Why? Are you mad because of my decision? Are you regretting what you did?" sarkastiko kong tanong kahit na sa bawat salitang binitawan ko ay pakiramdam ko may tumutusok na matulis na bagay sa kaliwang parte ng dibdib ko. Napalunok ako.

I'm thankful I wore a jet black sunglasses today. It was a gift from a friend months ago. Naisip ko kasi na maaraw. Bukod pa do'n ay alam ko kung gaano namumugto ang mata ko. I don't want other people to see, especially him, how I've shed tears last night. This is solely my judgement. I can't show how weak I've been because of this decision.

He fixed his black long sleeve shirt and sarcastically laughed. Para bang may nasabi akong sobrang nakakatawa na kahit hanggang magsalita siya ay bakas pa rin ang ngisi sa labi niya.

"Woah! You're too high of yourself, Van. Kung hindi mo rin naman ginawa 'to ay ako ang gagawa," he uttered, still with a smile and is straightly looking directly at my eyes.

I really should thank someone that I wore a sunglasses today! Kahit papaano ay hindi niya makikita ang pagdaan ng sakit sa mukha ko. I don't exactly know if that painful emotion really walked through my face, but then again, another stab was felt by my now caged heart. I won't open it again. Never again.

Ngumisi ako kahit na gusto ko nang umiyak dito sa harapan niya. I bit my lower lip and hugged the legal papers more tightly. I can't show to him how hurt I am.

"Well, then. You should thank me, Jasper. I commanded your wish," sagot ko at sinalubong ang tingin niya. Of course, kapag hindi ko suot ang sunglasses ko ay tiyak hindi ko 'to kayang gawin. I should thank Nova for this. Again and again, I should do that. "Enjoy your life with your new girl."

Napabuga siya ng hangin. Ayan na naman ang maloko niyang ngisi. Tiningnan niya ako mula ulo hanggang paa bago tumango-tango at sinagot ang sinabi ko.

"Yeah. Kung 'yan ang gusto mong paniwalaan. Then, I will!" pagtaas niya ng boses at kinuyom ang panga. Huminga siya nang malalim bago muling nagpatuloy, "I will... obliged whatever shit you're saying, Giovanna! I will go and fuck that imaginary woman you're claiming! 'Yon 'yong gusto mo 'diba?"

Kinuyom ko ang kamao ko. How to deny you're having an affair without actually saying it? I don't know. Jasper is an expert on this field, hindi ako. He's exactly doing it right now. He really knows how to hurt me. He fucking knows and he's doing it now.

Are you still disappointed, Giovanna? He did much worse than that. Inisip mo ba talaga na kahit segundo lang ay titino siya? No way! I actually think that lying is now his talent. He's the greatest when it comes to this. Freaking jerk...

"After our divorce, I want the house and my parents' land under my name," saad ko kahit na nanginginig na ang boses. Gusto ko lang kasing umiyak. Gusto ko nang umuwi para umiyak ulit.

Ngumisi siya. "Sure! Anything else? Baka gusto mo ring kunin 'yong kotse na binili ko para sayo?"

Kinuyom ko ang kamao ko. I swear, he's really a fucking jerk! Look at how he smirked right in front of me. He feels nothing at all in our divorce! Pusta ko magsasaya pa 'to pag sinabi na ng korte na single na ulit siya. He can now freely open and show to everyone his relationship he has with his affair. Oh, right. Hindi niya na pala affair 'yon 'pag nagkataon.

"You really are a fucking asshole, Jasper, aren't you?" gigil kong sambit habang nakakuyom pa rin ang kamao ko.

He clenched his jaw, obviously raging. He stared at me for quite a long time before I saw how a smirk slowly appeared on his lips. Mas lalong niyang nilakihan 'yon dahilan kung bakit mas lalo kong kinuyom ang kamao ko.

"No, you're wrong, Giovanna. I was never like that," sagot niya at nilapit ulit ang mukha sa akin. Para bang sinisilip niya ang mata ko sa loob ng suot kong sunglasses. "You're playing the victim now when you're the reason why I am acting this way. You made an asshole, Giovanna. It's entirely your fault."

I can't do this. Bago pa niya muling mailayo ang mukha niya ay mabilis ko siyang sinapak. Napayuko siya at agad na lumipad ang kamay sa pisngi niyang sinuntok ko.

Sunod-sunod ang paghinga ko nang malalim. My knuckles hurt, but I feel pleasure at the same time. It's the only thing I could do to avoid crying in front of him.

"Whatever, jerk! Alam mo, wala na akong ibang hiling kundi ang mahiwalay na agad sayo! Magpapakain ako sa lahat ng kaibigan at kakilala ko kapag naghiwalay na tayo!" galit kong saad sa nakayuko pa rin niyang mukha.

Hindi siya sumagot at nandoon pa rin ang atensyon sa pisngi niyang sinuntok ko. Tss. Ang o.a. Ni hindi ko pa nga naibuhos ang buong lakas ko doon! Mas sumakit pa 'yong kamao ko. Tadyakan ko siya dyan, e.

Hinigpitan ko ang pagyakap sa mga legal papers na hawak ko. Inayos ko ang strap ng shoulder bag na dala ko habang masama ang tingin sa kanya. Ilang saglit ko siyang tiningnan ng ganoon bago siya nilagpasan para makaalis na.

"How can you treat them when you even don't have a centavo in you? Suck your life instead, Giovanna!" sigaw niya nang naglalakad na ako papalayo sa kanya.

Umirap ako pero hindi na siya muling nilingon. As much as I want to punch his annoying face again, I can't because I'm now weeping. Tuloy-tuloy at sunod-sunod ang pagbuhos ng luha ko. Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko at pinilit na 'wag humikbi para hindi niya makita ang paggalaw ng balikat ko. Paniguradong mas lalo siyang magdidiwang kapag nakita niya akong umiiyak.

Sumakay ako sa sasakyang bigay niya para sa akin. My pride is talking and doesn't want to use this to go back home, but heck, no! I can't – No, I don't know how to use public vehicles and just leave this car here! Sa tanang bahay ko ay hindi pa ako nagcocommute. Isa pa ay umiiyak ako. Lilingunin ako ng mga tao panigurado 'pag nakita nila ang pagdadrama ko. Mas lalong malulukot ang pride ko doon for sure.

I drive straight to my dad's home here in Miami, Florida after that annoying moment with him. Simula noong nakaraang buwan ay dito na kami tumitira ni Fiona.

After I filed our divorce, I decided to leave him alone. I can't live with a hopeless jerk like him. Hindi ko alam kung sa bahay pa rin ba namin siya tumitira pero wala na akong pake. Sana naman hayaan niya munang kunin ko ang lahat ng gamit namin ni Fiona bago niya dalhin 'yong babae niya doon.

After 4 years of being married with him, I chose to end our relationship in here. I can't live with someone that can fool not just me, but also his daughter. Alam kong masakit pero hindi deserve ng anak ko 'yong gaya niya.

I've been thinking this for a month and inside that month, walang gabi na hindi ako umiyak bago matulog. It's just hard for me to accept and arrive at this decision. It's depressing.

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko nang naiparada ang sasakyan sa harap ng bahay. Marami pa ring nagbabadyang luha mula sa mata ko pero sinubukan kong 'wag pansinin 'yon. If I would think about it, Fiona would definitely see me crying again. She saw me cried once and I can't let her see it twice. I should be strong for her.

Sinuot ko ang ngiti ko bago bumaba. Kagaya ng inaasahan, nasa terrace agad ng bahay ang maganda kong anak. She's raising her two arms, sign that she's happy to see me again. Mas lalo akong ngumiti at sinalubong ang pagtakbo niya.

"Mommy! I miss you!" she greeted after I felt her warm hug.

"I miss you more!" sagot ko pabalik at mas lalong hinigpitan ang yakap niya.

Umupo ako para magkapantay ang taas namin. Kiniliti ko siya dahilan kung bakit napuno ang tenga ko ng nakakakilig niyang halakhak.

Natatawa siyang bumitaw. "M-mommy! I can't breathe!"

Sinabayan ko ang tawa niya at saka pa lang bumitaw. I examined her angelic face. I found some chocolate stains on her chubby cheeks. Mabilis na kumunot ang noo ko at sinimulang punasan iyon.

"Daddy Lolo gave you chocolates again 'no? Haven't I told you that sweets aren't for kids?" malambing kong tanong habang tinatanggal pa rin 'yon sa mukha niya.

Ngumuso siya. My heart literally jumped when she did that on her cute, little face. Ah, I would never fall in love with something nor someone more than this. Fiona is now only the reason why my heart is still beating. She's everything that I have. I don't know what will happen to me if I ever lose her.

"But Daddy Lolo gave it to me," dahilan niya, nakanguso pa rin. I laughed but my smile quickly faded away when she mentioned that jerk's name. "Daddy Jasper said I should not say no to any offers, Mommy. Bad daw kasi 'yon."

Hindi agad ako nakasagot. I stared at her innocent, calm face as a reaction. Fiona is so beautiful. She really is. She has a set of deep brown eyes, feature that she got from me. She has a natural curly deep black hair that also came from me. It compliments her small little face the most. Her cheeks are always flushed red. Hindi ko alam kung may sakit ba siya o ano pero mukhang natural na sa kanya iyon. Mas lalo iyong namumula kapag kinukurot lagi ni Nova, my best friend. She loves to pinch Fiona's cheeks because she finds it too fluffy. Kahit ako rin naman ay namamangha sa mataba niyang pisngi pero hindi ko naman sinasaktan ang anak ko 'no.

Iyon lang ang namana niya sa akin; ang maganda niyang mata at ang may kulot sa dulo niyang buhok. Maliban doon ay wala na. Her thick eyebrows, long and curly eyelashes, highly pointed nose, and plump red lips... lahat ng 'yon nakuha niya kay Jasper. Kaya kapag tumatama sa kanya ang dalawang mata ko, 'yong gagong 'yon ang laging pumapasok sa utak ko. They really look alike.

I didn't let out any words, nor expressed an emotion on what she said. Ngumiti lang ako at iginiya na siya sa loob. I saw my father, looking and waiting for both of us to come inside his house. Seryoso siyang nakatingin sa akin pero nang patakbong lumapit sa kanya ang anak ko ay napalitan iyon ng ngiti, isang matamis na ngiti.

"Daddy Lolo! Mommy is now here! My mommy!" masayang sigaw ni Fiona habang tumatakbo papalapit sa tatay ko.

"Yes, Mommy is here. Anyway, do you still want chocolates, Fiona, apo? I still have some in the kitchen," aya niya na mabilis kong pinigilan. Nilingon niya ako at sinenyasang hayaan ko na lang. "Hayaan mo na. Minsan na nga lang kumain ng ganoon 'yong bata. Hindi naman 'yon masyadong matatamis tsaka hindi rin naman ako palakain ng mga ganyan. Might as well give those to this beautiful princess here."

My 3-year-old Fiona giggled. "Thank you, Daddy Lolo! You're always sweet." Hinalikan niya ang pisngi ni Daddy at nilingon ako. "Mommy, kakain ako ng chocolates, ha?"

Mula sa pala-konsinte kong tatay ay binaling ko kay Fiona ang tingin. I sweetly smiled at her and nodded. "Yeah, sure, baby. Just know when you will stop, okay?"

Mabilis siyang tumango at hindi na sinagot ang bilin ko sa kanya. Tumakbo siya papasok sa loob. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin mula dito sa terrace. Nawala sa kanya ang atensyon ko nang narinig ang boses ni Daddy Vincent.

"You're being too protective to your daughter, Giovanna. You should somehow let her have her own freedom," nakangiti niyang saad habang umuupo sa isa sa mga wooden chair sa gilid.

Tumalikod ako sa kanya para bumalik sa sasakyan. I forgot those files that has been given by my lawyer. Itatago ko lang iyon sa drawer ko para hindi kung saan-saan mapunta.

"Tsk. You don't know how worried I was, Dad, when I let her eat Nova and Ate Ginger's cupcakes three months ago. Nagpa-hospital pa nga kami 'di ba?" sagot ko habang naglalakad na pabalik sa kanya. "She's just... vulnerable. I feel like I need to protect her all the damn time."

Ilang saglit siyang hindi nakaimik. Inangat ko saglit ang tingin sa kanya. Naabutan kong seryoso niyang tinatanaw ang malawak na garden sa gilid ng bahay, nangingiti. Hindi ko na siya pinansin at binuksan ang phone ko. Naramdaman ko kasing nagvibrate iyon kanina.

"Are you sure you'll be back in the Philippines after your divorce, Giovanna?" he asked after a moment of silence.

Hindi ko siya nilingon, but I nodded as a response to him. "Hmm. Just a sweet vacation, Dy."

"You said you need to protect Fiona. Can you still protect her even though she's hurting inside?" Naputol ako sa ginagawa nang narinig iyon mula sa kanya. Huminga siya nang malalim at nilingon ako. He tried to ease the heaviness I am starting to feel by smiling. "You know you can't protect her when she found out that her parents are planning to separate, Giovanna. Not just for a day or years... but for forever."

I gulped and immediately peeked inside his huge house. Binalik ko agad ang tingin sa kanya, pilit na binubura ang bigat sa dibdib. "Don't talk like that, Dy. Fiona might hear you."

He smirked. Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kanya at niligpit ang lahat ng gamit ko. I don't want this topic and I chose to terminate this in any way possible. I just... don't want to break down again. I prefer doing that alone. Not... in front of them!

"She's bound to hear and know the truth, Giovanna. Your daughter... I talked to her earlier and was so surprised when I found out how well-educated she is. I'm sure there's a bright future ahead of her. Do you know who taught her those?" tanong niya at mas lalong nilawakan ang pagngisi. Nakita ko sa gilid ng mata ko ang paglingon niya sa akin. I gulped. "Your husband."

A tear dropped straight from my eyes with me being unaware. Hindi ko alam na may luhang nag-aantay na pala doon. It's like my father's words are the trigger waiting to happen and when it did, it just dropped. While I was oblivious. While I was thinking of an excuse to leave.

"That's his responsibility, Dy. Tinuturuan ko rin naman si Fiona-"

"She even said that if she grew up, she wanted to be like her dad. Full of principles and dreams," pagpuputol niya sa akin. Huminto siya ilang saglit para tumawa. "I wonder if she just loves her dad so much... or you just conclude too much, Giovanna. I'm afraid it was the latter."

Pinunasan ko ang tuloy-tuloy at walang tigil na na pagbagsak ng mga luha ko. Ni hindi man lang nagbigay ng paalala na lalabas na pala sila. They just stream like a ghastly, sparkling river.

"What do you want me to do, Dy?! Hayaan siyang lokohin ako? Did you raise me just to get cheated by someone?" I asked with a quite stern and loud voice. Tumikhim ako at nilingon muli ang loob, muling sinisilip kung nasa paligid ba si Fiona. Mabilis kong binalik ang direksyon ng tingin kay Daddy at marahas na lumunok. I should have not raised my voice to him. "Let's not talk about this again, Dy."

Tumalikod ako, akmang aalis na, kaya lang ay pinutol ako ng may ngiti sa tono niyang boses. I halted and let myself finish his sentence.

"It's just that... I can't imagine him cheating on you. Jasper is nice, hardworking, and even a family-oriented person, but then maybe I was wrong. Maybe-"

"You're wrong, Dy," mariin kong tugon, ang luha ay patuloy pa rin sa pagbabadya. "That jerk cheated on me! He cheated on me, Dy. Cheat," paulit-ulit kong sambit, pinapaintindi sa kanya ang sitwasyon na meron kami ngayon... dahil mismo sa gagong 'yon. "And I can't believe you even tried to defend him."

Hindi ko na inantay pa ang sasabihin niya at mabilis na pumasok sa loob. Palakas nang palakas ang pag-iyak ko habang mabilis na naglalakad papunta sa kwarto ko.

Luckily, Fiona didn't see me. She's focused on a box of chocolates she's quietly eating. It's like her world revolves around on just herself, those sweet chocolates, and the morning kid show in our living room's television. Hindi ko na siya pinansin dahil ang atensyon ko ay nakatuon na sa mga luhang nag-uunahan na makalabas mula sa mata ko.

When I stepped my feet inside my cold and gloomy room, I immediately covered my eyes and did the only thing I always wanted to do since I woke up earlier: cry. I let myself cry and cry. Just freaking... cry. Hindi ko alam kung kailan hihinto ang mga luhang iyon pero hinayaan ko na lang sila. Wala na akong oras pa para isipin ang ibang bagay. I just... wanted to cry for now.