Deadpool Monologues

I’m trained to do one thing: kill. I was put into a school where the concepts of love and forgiveness were treated as weaknesses. When I graduated, they told me I’d be lucky to survive; now I’m the best of the best and the person who gets the job done no matter what. I’ve assassinated Presidents, housewives, Navy SEALS and more shifters than I can count. I have more kills than anyone in my business, so when a new order comes in to kill Alpha Gideon, I take it without a second thought. ​He’s a job like any other, but during my scouting, I see something I’ve never seen before. Alpha Gideon isn’t a tyrant or a bully; he’s kind to his Pack. I start asking questions, which is when everything goes to shit. My signal is found, and for the first time in my life, my target has me in his sights. I expect pain and maybe even death, but Alpha Gideon treats me like a welcomed guest; his warmth and kindness open up something inside of me that I didn’t know I had. I should kill him before he changes me completely. I tell him I’m cold and heartless, and he laughs. Loving a mark has never been done, but no matter what I do, every touch sets me on fire and with each longing glance, my past becomes a distant memory. I’m ready to put everything I was aside to stay with Alpha Gideon when the call comes in; my fellow assassins have been called. The bounty on Alpha Gideon has been doubled. I have two choices: protect the man who has opened up my heart or kill the target and get the job done.

My roommate sets me up. She deliberately forces me into a death-trap survival game. As I shut my eyes and wait for death to take me, I realize that the game's bosses can read my mind. "Look at the blood spurting from this baby doll's neck. It's like a fountain of pee." The baby doll is baffled. It's about to launch its ultimate move, but it falters. "Man, look at how this guy is still sweeping the streets when he's so old. Does he not have a pension?" The old man is about to swallow me whole, but he suddenly gets a heart attack. An ambulance takes him away. "Oh, so this is the amusement park's owner. Oh, dear god, he's handsome, albeit a little skinny. I can send him flying with a kick!" The handsome owner's expression darkens. He instantly takes off his shirt to reveal his washboard abs. "Do you still think I'm skinny?"

Sitting here in the courtroom, I watch as my father is put on trial for a crime he didn't commit. He gets a heart attack and dies right before my very eyes. There's nothing I can do to stop it. As my heart burns with anger and resentment, a series of comments suddenly appears, floating in the air in front of me. [Poor Mason! He still has no idea it was his own beloved girlfriend, Christa Lowry, who served as lead counsel and used falsified evidence to incriminate his father.] [Christa teamed up with that scion, Todd Harlow. She sacrificed Mason's dad's life to net her first pot of gold!] Through these comments, I learn the truth. I wipe my tears away, tear up the acceptance letter I just received from the top art school in the country, and throw myself into the legal profession. After 15 years, I've finally been crowned the Grim Reaper of the criminal defense world, having never lost a single case. One day, my assistant comes to my office with a pile of top-secret case files. Christa is facing the death penalty for engaging in international money laundering, and I'm the only one who can save her. In the surveillance footage from the detention center, the once arrogant woman is now kneeling on the floor, begging in despair to be saved. At that very moment, those comments start appearing in my vision again. [Spoiler alert! The most satisfying moment of revenge is about to come!] [That awful woman is so deluded. She thinks that just by offering enough money, Mason will be willing to save her for old times' sake! What a joke.] [Quick! Refuse her, Grim Reaper! Send her to hell!] Reading the comments, I smirk faintly before tossing my pen into the trash. "Tell her I won't take on the case."

In the VIP lounge of an underground casino, Maeve, the Falcone family's princess, had been plied with too much hard liquor. Fueled by alcohol, someone goaded her into revealing the most shameless thing she'd ever done to win over the Don. She swirled her glass, pointed at me dealing cards behind the table, and threw her head back with a laugh. "Seven years ago, when Declan was in a coma after a shootout, I took his private phone. And I deleted the distress message that bitch sent him. Every last trace of it. Then I replied in his name: You're a burden. Go die." "You'll never guess what happened next. That idiot stood outside the safe house all night in a downpour, like a stray dog. I almost died laughing…" The room erupted in crude laughter. Only the man enthroned at the head of the table remained silent. The crystal whiskey glass in his hand shattered with a sharp crack. Blood mixed with the amber liquor, trickling over the veins on the back of his hand before dripping onto the carpet. His murderous, bloodshot eyes were locked on me. I calmly dealt the last hole card in front of him and offered a clean, white silk handkerchief. "Don Declan, you should wipe your hand. Blood on the felt is bad luck." After all, some stains never wash out.

After Mom passes away, Dad brings home a stepmother. Dad says he doesn't want me growing up in a broken home and wants to make sure I never miss out on anyone's love. Even after they have a daughter, Bella Fraser, I remain the spoiled little prince of the family. One day, I accidentally put Bella's clothes on backward, and she starts crying, struggling to breathe. Dad snaps, completely losing his usual gentle demeanor. "I knew it! No matter how good I am to you, you're always going to resent Bella! Are you trying to destroy this family?" He shoves me out onto the balcony, telling me to stay there and think about what I've done. But he pushes me too hard, and the tiled floor is slick with winter ice. I lose my footing instantly. I slip right through the wide gaps in the railing and end up hanging from the colorful bunting from Bella's birthday party yesterday. The string wraps tightly around my neck. My breath cuts short, and I can't even squeeze out a scream. After a few desperate kicks, my strength completely fades. I watch as Dad and Mom carry Bella out for a trip while my soul weeps tears of blood. Mom, Dad, it hurts so bad. Please, just turn around and look at me.

I have a severe case of logorrhea. Only speaking makes me feel alive. My classmates all call me a freak, but Marvin Britt is the only one willing to listen to me. One day, I bring some homemade soup over to see him, only to catch him holding his junior's hand. "Lexie, your voice is so lovely, unlike my wife at home. She sounds like a squawking duck. It's exhausting." My hands shake so violently that I drop the thermal flask. The commotion angers a nearby madman, who forces a bottle of boiling water down my throat. With my mouth full of blood and blisters, I realize I need proof. I send Marvin—a lawyer—a frantic voice note to accompany me to the police station for evidence. Marvin shoots back a single word—"Noted". Of course. He doesn't even listen to it, as usual. He used to reply to everything I said with voice notes at least a minute long. But we hit the seven-year itch, and he's sick of my endless talking. Leaving the hospital, I stare at my diagnosis of permanent mutism and laugh bitterly. He must be thrilled. His world is finally quiet.