I used to have this exact frustration—so many spicy stories felt like they were written from a male gaze POV, with female characters that were just...cardboard cutouts waiting to be undressed. What shifted for me was leaning into romance subgenres that prioritize character interiority. Think contemporary or fantasy romance with an explicit open-door policy. Authors like Tessa Bailey or Katee Robert often get recommended, but honestly, some of the most relatable characters I've found are in indie-published or serialized fiction on platforms like Radish. The first-person perspective there often feels more immediate and authentic, less like a performance of desire and more like an actual person's messy thoughts.
Another angle is to look for stories where the erotic tension is built on a foundation of genuine relationship development, even if it's a rivals-to-lovers or enemies-with-benefits setup. When the characters have distinct personalities, goals, and flaws outside of the bedroom, the intimate moments carry more weight. I stumbled upon a web serial called 'The Scorpio Sequence' ages ago that did this beautifully—the protagonist was a grouchy archivist, and her slow-burn tension with a security consultant felt earned because I understood why they were both so stubborn. The spice was a payoff, not the sole premise.
Don't overlook book-focused communities on places like Discord or specific subreddits either. Asking for recs in a group dedicated to 'character-driven spice' will yield better results than a general search. People there often dissect why a character's motivations felt real or where a story lost them, which is way more useful than a star rating. My last great find came from someone ranting about how the heroine in 'Inextricably Tied' reacted to a betrayal exactly like their best friend would—angry, then sad, then pragmatic. That level of specific praise tells you everything.