Chapter 2

There are times in your life that you never forget. Times when you learn an important lesson but one you never wanted to learn. I could have gladly gone my whole life without some lessons I've learned. They aren't the type to make you grow and blossom in life. No, they are there to make you understand that some mistakes you never come back from. You'll never be innocent of. I've learned what it feels like to realize I cannot protect myself. I know how fragile I am and how fast someone can make me feel that. I've learned that someone can take away all control I have over my own life. But, I've also learned that I can be stuck there with no way out. 

The night I realized there was no way out was when Rob had thrown a glass vase at me, and it exploded off my wrist when I threw my arm up to deflect it. He was on a rant about something, and I can't even remember what it was anymore. There's always something, but I managed to get my phone and run out of the condo calling the police. Rob stood on the balcony and shouted down to go ahead and call the police, but if he went to jail, then I would go with him. I had not understood what he was saying at the time, but once the police had talked to both of us, I had learned. Rob had gone back inside the condo after saying that, and he took a piece of glass from the broken vase and cut himself. He told the police that I broke the vase and came after him with broken glass. The police informed me that if I pressed charges against Rob, he could press charges against me. So I didn't press charges. I knew then that there was no way out. The police made Rob pack some clothes to stay at his sister's house for the night, and Rob left, but he was back in just a few hours. He took my phone and put it inside his pocket and then he made me pay. I was scared that I had lost my hearing in one ear at that time. I couldn't hear anything out of it for two days. Rob usually gets my phone first now, but I don't think calling the cops will help me out of this anyway. I'm scared that I would somehow end up being the one that goes to jail.

I drive to the grocery store and buy the things I know he likes. I swing through the drive-through and order a big mac meal and eat it in the car. I make sure to throw everything in the garbage so that he won’t know about it; I learned after I missed a receipt one time, and he doesn’t like it when I buy fast food. He said that all my fat ass thinks about is food and not how much it costs. The more I try not to eat, the more I can’t seem to help myself. I stop at the gas station and pick up a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I smoke three cigarettes on the way home—one right after the other. I wish I could drink, but it would be too reckless. He would catch me, and I need my wits together to deal with him. That’s a bad idea anyway because if I start, I’ll probably never stop, just like the stupid idea to smoke cigarettes.

I get home and unload the groceries. My ibuprofen has worn off, so I risk my liver and take a few more. Then clean the condo from top to bottom, even scrubbing the baseboards down and vacuuming the curtains.

I admire the spotless condo and all the decorating I’ve done over the last two years. But, I have to be careful because Rob doesn’t like it when I spend money except for those few times he was excited about decorating our condo. Then he went a little wild, letting me loose in the Home Goods store.  That was before things became the way they are now. That was when I was the best thing to ever happen to him. So much for that! I thought.

I decided to count the money saved at the bottom of my maxi-pad box.  It took me a while to think of the best hiding place but feeling sure he’d never have reason to bother with that; it seemed ingenious. Lying about the number of tips I was making made me nervous. He was suspicious, so I only saved what I thought I could safely get away with. Each day when he comes home, he counts my tips and decides what he needs for bills. We have always kept separate accounts, so no idea where it all goes. I know he shouldn’t be stressed, though. He implemented this system not long after we were married, and I didn’t like it at all, but nothing made a difference and only caused many fights that progressively became more violent. Finally, I gave up, just like giving up my freedom to make any choices for myself or own my emotions. I have my few rebellions that manage to keep me sane barely and the fantasies.

My daydreams are about all sorts of scenarios where I’m free from him.  I sometimes live in memories of better times before I met Rob. Those make me sad, though, sometimes, so I try not to do it often. Especially the memories of Brodie and me. What would he think of me now?  That’s the one that hurts. He wouldn’t like this woman at all. I feel my eyes start to burn and will it away. No time for that, Nova dear, I say to myself. It’s dead and gone. Leave it buried.

Walking to my room to find something for my dinner date, it's like walking to the gallows. I used to hope that the Rob that married me would come back. I would try to please him, lost pride, and begged many times, and I tried to make him see reason, but my love for him just cut off like a switch one day. It was a relief. I could navigate the roller coaster of Rob so much better when not pining for his love. The anger is harder to control, though, and it’s getting harder by the day.

Picking a black oversized sweater that draped off a shoulder and dark blue jeans, thinking I would just dress it up with jewelry, shoes, and a belt and fretting over each decision as if it were the decision to cut off someone's life support machine, I decided to take another shower since I got sweaty while cleaning. Finally, finally, I could let the hot water run over all the aches in my body. The goose egg was still on the back of my head, and it was sore, so washing and conditioning weren’t very fun, but I managed. I stepped out of the shower and examined myself in the mirror. My face looked dead. It reflected the way my soul felt, and I hated it.

My hair stuck out over the goose egg, making a weird bump on the back of my head; there were bruises on my ribs, hip, legs, and tailbone. The bruises on my ribs ran around to my back also, and my arms had hand marks. Yellow ones from last week and purple ones from the night before. Scratch the sweater because that’s not going to work. I took my time getting ready. Trying different hairstyles, even ones that pulled at the bump and made it hurt. Nothing worked; it still looked like I had a huge Knot on my head. Finally, I just took the curling iron to it and fluffed it out. Switched the sweater for a lacey black top with long sleeves and a high neck. It was form-fitting with a little peplum bottom. I paired it with black and red dangle earrings, red suede booties with a high skinny heel, and a black suede belt. My bangs were getting long, so I swept them in a side sweep. With my make-up, I went a little darker with the eyeshadow than usual. My blonde hair and grey eyes just make me look better with more natural tones, but I thought I’d give something new a try. So I made them a little smoky.  Worrying my lip and staring at the extra few pounds on my butt and legs, I figured the dark jeans were slimming, and that was the best I could do with it.

My nerves started to string tight as the clock kept creeping closer to time for Rob to get in. He doesn’t like the weight on me even though I was a size fourteen when we started dating, and now I’m in size six. I don’t understand why something that never bothered him then bothered him so much after we married. I’m five-two, so it doesn’t take much to make me plumpy.

He has always’s liked my style of dress, though. He likes to show me off, and the way I dress makes him happy. So maybe this will help his mood. Who knows?

I just hope he’s too tired to make any moves because it’s getting so hard to fake interest. I practiced a bright smile in the mirror a few times, then made faces at myself and laughed. You're losing it, Nova Jane, I said to the mirror, then made my way to the kitchen for a diet soda.

 I could smoke a cigarette, but there wasn’t a chance in hell that I was going to risk getting caught, so I checked my phone and saw two missed calls: my mom and my twin brother. I heard a key in the door and fluffed my hair out, hoping the Knot isn’t too noticeable. Rob walks in and smiles as he looks me over. “Damn baby, You look beautiful.” I smile and find that it’s not so hard this time. I don’t love him anymore, but it’s like the old Rob, and it seems more natural. “ Thank you, Darlin.” I throw in a wink.

It’s usually so hard not to come off as a robot that I take advantage of his relaxed mood to bring some of the old me back. He grins and shakes his head. “There’s my Nova Jane” he walks over to me, and I stiffen slightly but force myself to relax. He puts an arm around my lower back and pulls me into him. I watch as his eyes move over my face and hair. “A beauty,” he says softly. I smile and remind myself that it’s a ruse. I’ve let my guard down before, and it wasn’t pretty, but it was much easier to kiss him when he leaned in for one than it had been that morning when the devil was in him.

“ Going to grab a quick shower and get dressed. Give me thirty, ok?” Rob releases me and goes on to say as he’s heading to the bedroom, “ We’re going to sharky’s, and Dave and Melissa are meeting us there.” I loved Sharky’s beachfront, and Dave and Melissa were nice enough, but I felt gloom creep in again. I know how Rob works, and he’s given them the low down on his lazy wife. My love of Sharky’s and someone to distract Rob’s attention will have to see me through the embarrassment.

Looking at the two missed calls again, I wish I had time to call back. Mom and Wyatt call at least every three days. I’m in Panama City Beach, FL, and they’re in Myrtle Beach, SC, where I was born and raised.

Rob had wanted to move here to be near his sister, and she had a job she said was perfect for him lined up with a hefty pay increase. So I agreed, and we moved, then; of course, the job didn’t last long before he moved on to another. His sister, Haley, and I were close until the marriage started going downhill. I came to her the first time Rob physically hurt me and told her my concerns about his mood swings and how he just gets things in his head that’s not true, and the abuse. She told me that that’s just Rob. Don’t piss him off. Next time just leave him alone until he calms down. I knew right away that Rob had beat me to the punch and gave some story about me. “ Next time,” I thought, and “ don’t piss him off.” It seems there were a lot of things I missed in the two years we dated. No wonder he didn’t bring me out to meet big sis.

 Mom and Wyatt had never liked Rob, and I thought it was just that they were holding out hope that Brodie would come back. I knew he wouldn’t be back. That door was closed, and I was bound and determined to go on with my life.

Wyatt and I had harsh words about me marrying Rob, and he said not to come crying to him and mom when I found out he was right. So I never have. It’s not entirely because I’m stubborn, though. I don’t want to bring Rob's trouble around my family, and I don’t want my brother to go to prison. Wyatt would lose his shit if he knew about any of this despite what he said about not crying to him.

They both know I had to drop my university classes and take a full-time job at the diner when Rob quit the first job, and Wyatt started asking if everything was okay. At the time, I was still peeved off about what he said and in full defense of my man.

Mom is upset that I haven’t been home in the two years I’ve been here. Rob says we can’t just take off of work and spend money. I tried numerous times until the abuse got bad then I didn’t want to bring him around Wyatt. He'd sniff it out in a nanosecond and be sitting on death row.

I’ve been saving what I can, and I’ll get myself out of the mess I’ve made. A few more months, and I can hire an attorney and beat feet to somewhere he’ll never find me. I tried to leave a few times, and I know the local motel, and even the Big Easy won’t work. I had forgotten that I talked so much about wanting to visit New Orleans. He found me and brought me back both times. My bank account was depleted with that trip. 

So I had to take a chance that he could catch me keeping out some tips, but I never leave them in my purse. If he’s home before me, I hide them under a loose brick on the condo wall near the floor and grab them after he falls asleep. I can’t leave them overnight because the maintenance or cleaning crew might find it and decide to knock on the door to ask if anyone lost some money. It’s not likely they would, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. So a loose brick and my maxi pads are helping me get away with it so far.

I sit and read the slogan’s on my maxi pads each time I hide my stash and (Safety above everything, Periods with no worries, Enjoy a beautiful life, Trusted by Millions, Say Goodbye to Worries, and Be A Free Spirit) sounds as if they have my back.

I love my twin brother, and if I were to run home, Rob would go after me. I can't take a risk on what Wyatt would do. I can't be a reason my brother gets into trouble. So this is all I can think of to do. Just run when I get a chance.