CHAPTER 1: THE START OF EVERYTHING

“Each smile that you make, touches my heart

The thoughts of you linger in me,

As I close my eyes because I don’t want to see you go

Asking myself, How can you hurt me so?

The laughter and kisses that we shared…

Is now shattered into pieces 

How could you do this to me? 

You left me nothing but my insanity”

I closed my notebook and put my pen down. I looked around at my last glance for the home that sheltered me for nineteen years because by tomorrow I need to move with nothing but my dad and myself. I stood up to get the last brandy inside my fridge and pour it on my glass. I sat on the couch and I closed my eyes while thinking about the good times that I had to make me hold on to what is left in me, but what is left with me by the way? I lost my wife and she took the business that I worked with my blood and sweat for almost twenty years. She left me nothing and I don’t know where to start because I feel so down right now. I kicked the table and her photo frame accidentally fell and the glass shattered into pieces on the floor. I tried to look at it to see the woman that I trusted most. Cheated on me and left me with nothing but the pain and an empty pocket.

“Hahahaha!” I laughed aloud like crazy because the b**** that I loved and built my life, is now the bi*** who ruined it. WHO RUINED EVERYTHING! I built with her, including my life.

I threw the glass that I am holding at the wall and I heard it break and shatter into pieces. The pain that I am feeling right now is more than broken glass and it is nothing in comparison. I cannot glue it. I cannot stick it back and it kills me right now. All I have right now is a miserable life. I shake my head every time I remember what happened to me. I am full of pains and regrets right now and I don’t know where to start. I can’t even think clearly because the pain and anger that I feel right in my heart is louder than what my brain is saying.

“Are you alright, son?” My dad asked while peeling the banana that he bought at the market. I didn’t answer because I didn’t want to tell him about what happened. I don’t want him to know how depressed and frustrated I am right now. I don’t want to ruin his happy and quiet life. I don’t want him to worry about me.

My dad is blind and he can’t walk properly. He is already eighty-four years old and starting right now. I know I will rely on him to make me go on with my life even though I don’t know where to start. Oh, wait! I know. I will start from scratch. I will start from zero and that is the hardest part. I am lower than rock bottom. I saw my dad walking to his room and he stepped on the broken glass that was shattered on the floor. That is why I stood up and went to him and asked him if he was okay but he just smiled at me and told me,

“I am okay, I hope you are okay to let me go,” He said and started walking away as if nothing’s happened. The broken glass didn’t hurt him or wound his feet. I watched him go upstairs go inside his room and close his door.

I don’t know what he means about letting him go. I know he is already old and weak but I am willing to take good care of him. He is all that I have now and of course, I don’t want to let him go. I am so proud of my dad and I love him so much since I was a child, he is the only one that I got. Before that bi*** entered my life. I grew up without a mother beside me. That is why it is hard for me to just set him aside. I cannot dare to put him in-home care for the elderly. Of course not, that is out of my option. When I was a kid, he took good care of me and he never gave up on me. Even though I know life is hard for him of having me without a mother. That is why I want to do the same to him.

I sat back at the couch and the brandy already kicked in. That is why I start reminiscing about those times that I was with the bi***. I mean my ex-wife which is nowhere to be found right now after she crushed my life and stole my P48,800,000. Now she is happy with the bast*** that she is with right now. I wish them all the luck. The bad luck and the karma that she did to me. I laughed again to stop my tears from falling. Of course that bit** wasn’t worth any tears from me. I know I can still go on with my life without her, without the P48,800,000 that is gone in the wind in just a sudden. I still got my dad and that is all that matters, even though I don’t know how to support his needs. He needs medication, he needs proper and healthy foods, he needs vitamins. I took a deep breath because my head is aching thinking how can I have those. Now that I am poorer than a rat.

The happiness that I shared with my ex-wife is now turned into sadness. I remember how we took our vows twenty-five years ago. I thought she was the right one for me because she is there when I am nothing. I trusted her and I was wrong about that. Now she is the one who makes me nothing ruined my trust and makes me hate everything.

“Hahahaha” I laugh again to ease the pain every time it comes to my mind about what happened. How stupid I am to trust her and give her all the access that I work hard with my sweat and blood. She knows my bank account, she knows the passcode in my vault and she knows everything about me.

I closed my eyes again and started overthinking now. The brandy that I finished got me. Some thoughts and scenes flash in my head and I feel like my head will explode any minute because my heart is already exploded in just one click by that bi***.

“In this quiet and dark four-cornered wall,

You are making me hate myself,

Remembering the love that I gave you,

Because I didn’t know how contagious you are,”  My mind said while still thinking of her, happy with her new man. The reason why she cheated on me.

Tomorrow, I need to leave now with nothing but my blind dad. While asking myself “How could she do this to me?” She knows that my father was blind. If she is not thinking about me anymore. I hope she thinks for my father because my father treats her well. I can’t think of an answer. She is just a plain bit**, that’s it. “My Maria is a bitc*” I told myself and I laughed again. I stood up and went to the fridge to check what I had there. I opened it and I found three bottles of beer, that will save my cold and painful night. I took the bottle opener and opened it. I heard a loud sound from the stairs that made me run and checked what it was while hoping that it was not my dad who fell on the stairs because it is his third time falling on the stairs today, but when I checked it. It’s nothing, not my dad, nothing. Maybe it is just an effect of the alcohol, but I don’t care. Alcohol will help me kill the pain even for a night.

“Stop drinking now, son,” My dad said and I was surprised when I saw him sitting on my couch. I wanted to ask him how he got there because I didn’t see him pass the stairs but he just laughed and looked at me.

“Did you forget already or you just don’t want to accept?” He asked and I didn’t understand.

“My son” He called me and he stood up and he slowly walked towards me. He smiled at me and touched my face with his cold hand. His touch makes me comfortable and I forget everything even for a moment. His chubby cheeks that are smiling sweetly at me make my tears suddenly fall.

“I am sorry,” I said. I break down and cry. I am sorry for not listening to you, I am sorry for being your prodigal son. That is why it is hard for me to let you go. He hugged me and I felt it. That makes me cry more like a child.

“Do you remember now?” He asked me while still touching my face like seven years old and in his eyes. I saw dullness and in his touch, I felt the coldness. 

I didn’t answer but I nodded Because I remembered everything and yes! I can remember everything now. The day when I had a breakdown because of what I discovered about my ex-wife. I drank because of my pain and frustration and when I crashed my car. I woke up with the bad news that my dad is dead. Wait, he is dead? no way! He is here with me. Alive and happy to be with me. I shook my head and denied everything that I remember that makes him smile again while still looking at me.

I don’t want to remember everything because he is still here with me, and that is what matters most. I looked at him back without saying anything but in my eyes and the way I looked at him. I am asking. What happened to him?

“Remember the day?” He asked me and then he stopped. He is trying to feel me if I am okay to hear it and then he continues,

“When I hear you screaming in anger because you caught Maria making love in your own bed. I ran to you because I am scared that you might kill them I stopped you because I don’t want to lose you. You ran to them with a pistol in your hand. I know it because I didn’t hear that you drop it. I ran to you and I fall on the stairs” My tears continue from falling and I can’t stop it. He doesn’t want to lose me but I lose him. I know he tried to follow me. To stop me but he fell on the stairs and I didn’t even know it. I chase Maria with her lover and I had an accident while chasing them, and when I woke up I am inside the hospital with the bad news that my dad is dead. I closed my fist and I screamed in pain. I feel like I want to die right now but my dad will not be happy because he believes that he raised me as a fighter and I will not fail him. Even just for this part. I will show him that he never fails in raising me.

“I don’t want to lose my only son,” He said which keeps on echoing in my head, which makes me break my sanity. I lost him because of my carelessness and I would not forgive myself because of that.

“Don’t feel guilty or regret… it is just an accident and it is my fault because I am not careful” He said to ease my regret but it won’t do anything, because I feel more than regret right now and I know he can feel it even I don’t want to show it to him, because of my actions and how I reacted to everything. My dad is now gone.

“You need to go on with your life, son” He advised me.

I shook my head and erased everything that I remember because I know my father is not yet dead and I know it is just alcohol that makes me think about it. Weird but yes, it is just alcohol.

“I love you” Were the only words that I said. Even though I have a lot of things inside my heart that I want to tell him, my mouth ends it in three words.

He nodded and smiled at me. His lovely smile made me flashback to the times when I was young. When we are playing basketball together and when he is walking just to pick me up from school because our money is only enough for my education and for our food, he makes life out of it. I became a rebel because of the thought that he is not giving me what is best for me, but I am wrong, because now that he is gone. Everything falls in just a snap. I realized that he did everything for me. Even we have nothing. He never fails to send me to school to give me an education and he never fails to put food on our table. Even he is struggling every day for us to survive. 

“Don’t be sad, kid” He said. I don’t know how he can say that? Now that I am all alone with him and I am back from scratch. I don’t know what to do.

“All is well, you will find out the real you soon” He added while still looking directly into my eyes. His gray eyes are trying to cheer and give hope in me. I shook my head and said to him,

“Stop that dad, I love you… you need to go to sleep now” I said and I touched his hand that was touching my face and in an instant, I saw a bright light, and suddenly everything flashes back.

I just got home when I found my wife making love with somebody. His man ran to the door naked. While my wife is apologizing to me at the same time blaming me for everything. I took the gun from my cabinet and I was about to shoot my unfaithful wife but my father stopped me. Who is just sleeping in the next room? That is why my wife had a chance to run and thanked my dad for saving her life but I followed her because I was in a rage. I wanted to shoot her and her man and I didn’t listen to my dad. I set him aside because of my anger at what I saw. I hurriedly followed my wife with my gun in my hand and rode in my car. Without thinking about my father who hurriedly followed me, because he was scared about what would happen next, and then. I remember I crashed my car and I woke up after one week.  I heard about the news about what happened to my dad. He fell on the stairs despite his age and condition. He still chooses to save me from my rage. He wanted to stop me but I didn’t let him stop me because I am so mad that time to the point that I forgot to think about his safety. 

My tears slowly fall when I recall everything that has happened, and I feel guilty because he chooses to save me and that puts his life at risk, I am so stupid to blame him because the cheating just happened next door but he did not stop it. I forgot to consider his situation. He became blind because of me. He overworked himself, working in a factory just to support me, and yet, this is how I will pay him. Blame him for the things that he didn’t mean to happen because even me, I didn't expect it to happen. Maria cheats on me and steal everything that I own.

“I am so sorry, father,” I said while crying but he was just looking at me as if nothing’s happened. He wiped my tears hugged me tight and whispered to my ears,

“Just let me go”

But I shook my head again because I cannot let him go. He is the only one that I got. He is the only one that is left for me. I don’t have friends, they are not real. They just want my money and fame out of my money but now that I got nothing they are gone too like they didn’t know me. So how could I let go of my father? He is the only one that I got.

“I know you love me, son, I love you too more than you love me but you need to let me go, and bring me to the place where I need to be,'' My father said but I don’t understand, because I know that he will live longer here with me. He will stay here with me because I need him. he is alive and he will live long with me. Yes, my father is still alive and HE WILL LIVE LONG WITH ME.

He hugged me and I hugged him back but he was gone. It cannot be. “My dad is just here,” I told myself. I went upstairs to his room to check if he was there, and I was not wrong. He is inside his room. Sound and sleeping. I slowly walked inside to avoid making noise because  I don’t want to disturb him. I looked at him for a moment and sat on his bed. 

“I love you so much, daddy, and thank you for everything. ″ I whispered to him, kissed him on his forehead, and wrapped him with the blanket. I don’t want him to be cold.

I slowly went out of his room, turned off his light, and closed his door. I slowly went down the stairs and went to the kitchen to get another bottle of beer inside the fridge and drink almost half of it, and then wipe the residue on my mouth. Now that I am all alone. My dad is already sleeping, the sadness and pain strike again, but I have nothing to do about it. It is already done and I can’t take it back. It is too late for everything. I am hopeless now because I don’t know where to start again. My life is ruined and that is all I know. Even though I still have my father beside me. Still, my life is ruined and I don’t know how to pick it up, to go on with life again. What Maria did to me is a huge problem. Well not in her life but to my life and to my father.

“Isaac” My dad called which I thought he was already sleeping and I found him sitting on my couch again.

“How can you go down so fast?” I asked him in surprise because I didn’t see him going down. He is visually impaired and he walks so slow, I didn’t notice him passing behind me and then sitting on my office chair.

“I can go anywhere I want, son,” He said and glided on my office chair like a child.

“Stop that dad,” I said and I wanted to laugh, seeing him happy, playing on my office chair like a child.

“Are you enjoying it?” I asked him but he didn’t answer. He just smiled and looked at me.

“When are you going to let me go?” He asked me but I didn’t answer because I don’t know what to answer and I don’t have an idea about what he is talking about.

“When are you going to bring me to the other side?”

I looked him straight into his eyes because I don’t have a single idea about what he is asking. When my mind suddenly flashed back. When I woke up I was already at the hospital. I had an accident after I followed my wife’s car and her other man. The nurse told me about what happened to my dad, that he is already dead because he fell on the stairs and hit his head. My poor dad fell on the stairs because he wanted to follow me. To stop me from shooting my evil wife. My tears fell while he still looking at me with a smile. As if he is trying to tell me that everything will be fine, but how can I be fine? He is the only one that I got. I don’t have a wife, a business, or any money in the bank. Tomorrow we need to leave because the bank will take the house. Where are we going to stay? I asked myself while crying. I remember when he told me when I was young that I am the only one that he got, that is why he is doing everything for me. Well, I feel the same too right now. He is the only one that I got and it would be hard for me to let him go. Even how many times that he is telling me that I need to let him go, even how many times I remember what happened. I will never let him go. 

“You’re not dead, right?” I asked him while still crying but he didn’t answer. He is just looking at me silently.

“You’re not dead,” I said and sigh.

“No, you are not,” I told myself. Convincing myself that he is not dead because I can still see him, hug him, kiss him and feel him.

“I love you so much” I whispered while still crying like a child.