CHAPTER 5: The Beginning or The End?

I watched from the window as Adrian's bike wove through the New York traffic, becoming a smaller and smaller speck until he vanished around a corner. The roar of the engine lingered for a second before the city swallowed it whole.

I moved away from the glass and sat on the edge of the bed. The silence felt heavier now that he was gone. My heart was still doing that jagged, uneven beat against my ribs.

I pulled my phone out and scrolled back through our messages. It was a habit I couldn't break, a way to find the man I thought I knew.

I stopped at a text from a few days ago, back when the distance between us blurred his coldness. I had been feeling bold and lonely in the middle of the night, and I had asked him to talk dirty to me.

Reading his response now made a slow, familiar heat pool in my stomach. The words were raw and possessive, so different from the cold wall of a man I knew now.

I couldn't get the picture of his hands on me out of my head. I throbbed between my legs and felt the wetness slick against me. I slipped my hand between my legs and sought relief.

He'd called what happened between us a mistake. He'd walked away like I was nothing. The weight of the day finally pulled at my eyes and I laid back on the bed, drifting into sleep.

And suddenly, I was nine years old again.

The air smelled of salt and old wood. I felt a sharp tug on my arm. My mother's fingernails dug into my skin as she dragged me toward the back door.

"Mama, it's late. Where are we going?" I whispered.

"Shhh." She pressed her finger to her lips, eyes darting around. "I'm going to keep you with me, Nir. You're mine. Let's go away."

"No! I don't want to go. Ronan!" The sound died in my throat.

She kept pulling me, her pace faster than mine. I stumbled, looking back over my shoulder for Ronan or my father, but there was only shadow. Then a gunshot cracked through the air. My ears rang. Another one followed instantly.

Mother let out a choked sound. Her body jerked and she fell forward, her weight landing right on top of me, pinning me to the floor.

I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. The smell of her perfume mixed with something metallic and sharp. My vision began to blur.

Then a voice whispered directly against my ear. Cold. Smooth.

"Welcome to New York, Muse. We've been expecting you."

"No!!!"

I screamed and jerked upward, fighting against the weight on my chest.

But there was no weight. I was in the penthouse. Sun was streaming in and I was drenched in cold sweat.

"Breathe, Nirvana. Breathe." Ronan was sitting on the edge of the bed, his hands steady on my shoulders. "You're safe. It was just a dream."

I leaned into him, gripping his forearms. "She was there, Ronan. And the voice, it said the same thing as the note."

His grip tightened slightly. "It was just your mind playing tricks because of that box yesterday. I'm here."

He stayed until my heart rate slowed, quiet and protective, not pushing for details.

"You still want to do this?" he asked after a while. "The college thing? I spoke to the Dean. He can get you registered for the spring semester starting Monday."

I wiped my face and nodded. "I have to. I can't stay here all day, Ronan. I'll lose my mind."

"Okay. I have to go to the office for a few hours. Stay inside. Keep the doors locked."

He kissed my forehead and left.

The silence he left behind was suffocating. I couldn't sit still with the memory of Katerina's weight on me and that voice in my ears. I found my feet leading me down to the garage.

It smelled of grease, gasoline, and concrete. Adrian was near the back, leaning against the workbench with a cigarette dangling from his lips, staring at the floor like he was trying to burn a hole through it.

"Ronan's gone," I said.

He didn't turn around. "I know."

"I'm going to the university. On Monday. Ronan made the call."

Adrian finally turned. He took a long drag and blew the smoke toward the ceiling. His eyes were cold, the air between us immediately charged.

"You're a fool if you think walking onto a campus makes you independent," he said. "You're just being immature."

"I don't care," I snapped, walking toward him. "I'm not going to sit in that glass box upstairs waiting for another flower to show up. I'm starting my life. Both of you can keep whatever secret you share."

He stepped away from the bench and into my space. Close enough that the scent of him, smoke and cedarwood and the metallic edge of the garage, wrapped around me.

"You just can't understand," he said.

"Then talk to me. You've always talked to me, what changed?" My eyes teared up. "Tell me why you're so angry that I'm here. Is it because you can't keep pretending to be the nice guy from the phone? Is it because you actually have to look at me?"

His face went dark.

He dropped the cigarette and stepped closer, his height forcing me to tilt my head back. "On the phone I didn't have to see how soft you look. I didn't have to watch the way you look at me like I'm supposed to save you."

"I'm not soft," I hissed, poking him in the chest. "I survived my mother. I survived many things."

He grabbed my wrist, his grip hot and tight. "You should be scared, Nirvana."

"And what do you see me as?" I challenged, my voice breaking. "A mistake? Or just a distraction you can't wait to get rid of?"

He pulled my wrist up, bringing me flush against him. His other hand slid into my hair, forcing my gaze to stay locked on his.

His eyes were wild, searching mine with a desperation that made the blood hum in my ears.

"I see you as the one thing that's going to ruin me," he whispered. "Because I can't think straight when you're in the room. I spend every second wondering where you are, what you're doing."

His mouth moved closer to mine, hovering just a breath away. My eyes fluttered shut, my body leaning into him. I wanted him to kiss me until I forgot my name.

Then he stopped.

His forehead dropped against mine, eyes squeezed shut. He was trembling, just barely, a fine vibration in his arms.

"I can't," he muttered against my skin. "You have no idea who I am, Nirvana. You're looking for a savior, and I'm the man who's going to burn your world down."

He let go and stepped back.

The sudden loss of his heat made me shiver. He looked at me for one more beat, something like mourning in his eyes, then turned toward his bike.

"I want you safe, Nirvana."

"I can take care of myself," I said, though my voice came out weak.

He didn't answer. He swung his leg over the bike and kicked the engine to life. The growl filled the garage and vibrated in my chest. He didn't look back as he sped out into the light.

I went back upstairs and sat at my desk, pulling out my sketchbook. My hands were still shaking from the garage. I needed the charcoal lines to calm me down the way they always did.

I turned the page and stopped.

Tucked into the binding was a small white petal. Not scorched like the rose on the balcony. Fresh, pristine, and smelling faintly of something sweet.

My heart hammered. I looked at the door, then the window. The penthouse was locked. Ronan was gone. Adrian was gone.

My phone buzzed on the desk.

"See you on Monday, Muse."

I dropped the phone.

I looked at the petal, then at the sketch I had started, a drawing of a man with eyes just like Adrian's.

The walls of the penthouse weren't protecting me. They were just keeping me in one place so I was easier to watch.

Monday was coming. And for the first time, I wasn't sure if college was the start of my life or the beginning of the end.