I stared at Takeru’s number. I felt like I wanted to give him a call, or at least I wanted to know how he was. I don’t want to torment myself, but I also don’t want to talk to him.‘Why have you always loved hurting yourself, Aoi? Kung hinahayaan mo na lang sana, hindi ka na sana masasaktan.’But I can’t bring myself to let him go.I stared outside my apartment in a daze. My mind seems to be going to explode from the headache, and up until now, my heart has not felt at ease. Siguro dahil alam ko na may nangyari kay Takeru at hindi ko pa magawang makausap siya. Still, I don’t know how to approach him. After all, I don’t have any reason to do so.I want to know if he’s okay, but I don’t have the courage to do so.Why do I have to suffer like this? Why do I have to be in pain? All I did was let him go. I let him go. Hindi ko na siya pinghawakan, hindi ko na siya pinaglaban. Hinayaan ko na siyang gawin ang gusto niya, pero bakit? Bakit ako ang nasasaktan? Bakit sa kaniya parang wala lang?
Since I didn’t get any reply from him, I did my best to busy myself. Nilagay ko pa sa drawer ng table ko ang cellphone ko, and I turned it silent. Pakiramdam ko wala akong ibang gusto na gawin kundi ang magtrabaho. I sighed.Umaga pa lamang ay pakiramdam ko ubos na ang energy ko. I just saw him once, but I feel like it drained all my energy. I wanted to hug him to make me feel better since his pheromones make me feel safe and relaxed. But I always reminded myself that there was nothing between us anymore. That everything was only a memory. Should I give up already?Even though I wanted to, I couldn’t. Hindi ko alam sa sarili ko. Ilang beses ko na ba sinabihan ang sarili ko na dapat mahalin ko rin ang sarili ko kahit konti? Ilang beses ko na rin ba sinabi sa sarili ko na kailangan ko rin naman pagpahingahin ang sarili ko sa sakit? Marami na. maraming beses na. Sa sobrang dami na sa loob ng limang taon ay hindi ko na mabilang. “Mr. Takeshi?” Napalingon naman ako at nakita ko si Do
Napatitig naman ako kay Takeru when he opened the window and looked at me. My heart is beating so fast, and it's as if it’s going to jump out of my chest. I stood by the side of the road, looking at him in a daze. My heart is racing, and my emotions are battling.Memories of our past started to flood into my mind, both sweet and painful memories we shared together before we ended everything between us. The car in front of me is the very same car he always used when we were going out or when he was picking me up. It gives me a lot of fear knowing that every part of this car in front of me has memories.I bit my lip, a nervous habit I developed after we broke up when I was uncertain about something. I didn’t reply first. I looked around, searching for a taxi that would pass by, trying to distract myself from the internal struggle I was facing inside me.I really wanted to decline. I looked at him, and he looked like he was hurt and wanted to cry. Ako ba ang may kasalanan kung bakit ako
Para akong timang na hindi alam ang gagawin. Nagmadali akong umuwi ng apartment ko nang matapos akong bumili ng mga kailangan ko sa convenience store. Up until now, sobrang lakas pa rin ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Hindi ko alam kung anon a ang dapat kong gawin dahil ang utak ko ay na-stuck up sa moment na magkasama kami kanina ni Takeru.Shit! I don’t know if I could handle this kind of stimulation.I mean, what if this triggered my heat again? Kahit na amoy na amoy ko ang pheromones ni Takeru kanina, kahit na gustong gusto ko na maghubad sah arapan niya, pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. I know I let him hold my hand, but I don’t want to do anything beyond that. After all, even though he took the initiative to hold my hand earlier, it was still considered cheating.He already has a fiancé. So, I am hesitating about whether I should run away or let him do what he wants. I want to run away since I don’t want to be the reason for him to lose all the things he built up, but I also want him to do w
Napatitig na lamang ako sa kisame ng apartment ko. I know that something is meant to happen sooner or later. But what happened earlier really caught me off guard. I mean, why did he do that? Was he the same? Unable to move forward, I mean.But I don’t think so. I don’t think that was the case for him.I closed my eyes, and my lips twitched a little when I remembered something. Right, there are only five weeks left before that so-called gland removal. Was it because of that that he did that?Hindi naman talaga ako magpapatanggal ng gland. It was just a spur of the moment since my circle and I saw him with his fiancé at the wedding boutique, picking a wedding suit. Sino ba naman ang baliw na magpapahalata na naapektuhan ka ‘di ba? Mabuti na lang talaga at super supportive ng mga kaibigan ko.And about Rayle’s words: I pondered about it, and his words still echoed in my mind as if he were keeping on repeating them to me. I closed my eyes and thought about why I should reveal my identity
Napaunat ako ng kamay at napatingin sa pinto ng office na bigla na lamang bumukas. And there, I saw Takeru. I didn’t speak; I only observed him, and I was confused when he hurriedly went inside. Bakit ngayon? Bakit ngayon kung kelan naman ako na lamang ang natitira rito and everyone left already?However, what piqued my curiosity was Takeru's expression of those kinds of emotions. He looked worried, and at the same time, he looked mad. Hindi ko alam kung anon a naman ba ang nagawa ko at narito siya.Siyempre alam ko naman na ako ang pakay niya. Bakit ba naman siya narito kung alam naman niya na ako na lamang ang natitira rito? After all, after our conversation last night, I never talked to him again. Not even when it was about work. Hindi ko talaga siya kinakausap. I sent my own people to go and talk to him. Bakit ba, wala naman akong balak na makipag-usap sa kaniya.Hindi naman sa galit ako sa kaniya. I just felt… embarrassed.However, why is he here? I am indeed very grateful to our
I dragged myself to the bathroom so I could get ready already. If I don’t move now, for sure, mahihirapan pa ako na gumalaw mamaya. This is what I hated about myself. It was hard for me to open my eyes when I slept too late.I sighed.Anyway, since this is the day wherein I should go to the place where I don’t want to go, I forced myself. Ayoko naman talaga na pumunta roon dahil pakiramdam ko, parang nanalo na si Lanie, pero hindi ko rin naman siya bibigyan ng satisfaction na masira niya ako kay Takeru.After all, I know that Takeru knows me too well at alam ko rin na alam niya na gagawin ko ito.Well, I just hope so. Dahil kung alam niya, siguradong mabibigyan niya ako ng chance na mabuhay and if not, mawawala na lamang ako sa mundo ng walang kaalam alam ang ibang tao lalo na ang pamilya at kaibigan ko.‘Goodness, Aoi. Ano ba itong mundo na napasok mo? Kung sabihin mo na lang kaya ang totoo?’Napailing naman ako. "No, hindi pa ito ang tamang oras," bulong ko sa sarili ko.Everything
The disappointment creeped into my heart. Was it really worth being in pain like this? Does the love that my parents, my cousins, and my whole family are talking about cause this pain? It was so painful that even though Takeru does not utter a word, it makes me want to cry. I didn't speak. I only focused on driving the car. Wala naman akong magagawa dahil wala rin naman siyang balak na magsalita. Even though I wanted to talk about things that we should talk about, I couldn't. I wanted to hold on to the glimmer of hope that I am holding, but I feel like I wanted to let it go. Was love always this painful? I think the more you love someone, the more it is painful when you get separated.My desire to reconnect with the things in our past seems dimmed out. Pakiramdam ko ay naiintindihan ko na. I don't have the right to be by his side in this kind of situation. But if I reveal things about me, wouldn't it mean that I gave those people access to my family?No, I don't want them to use my