Chapter Six:Homecoming Shadows

Isabella's Pov

The ride in the cab seemed to be endless. My body was tired,my legs heavy as a took every step ,But my mind would not rest. All my thoughts, all my haunting fears, pursued me like shadows at the edges of my mind. When I reached my apartment it was already dark with the sun setting behind the skyline, and the only noises I heard were the dull oranges of the streets and the distant whisper of traffic.I clumsily unlocked the door, hands a little shaky, and entered. It was so silent in the apartment that it was pushing my eardrums. The door closed behind me, and I stood still, with my back to the door, and exhaled deeply. There was a moment of relief,Adrian was not here.

The lack of that, however, was no relief, Only emptiness. The apartment was too big, too silent, a hollow imitation of a house that I had known at one time.

I threw my bag on the couch and stooped to take off my heels. My legs were sore, my feet fat and the plush carpet beneath my feet was near intolerable in its familiarity. I inhaled and attempted to get rid of the nausea that had been on me since the hospital. The odor of disinfectant in my nostrils was long gone, yet my stomach was still knotted at the idea of it.I shuffled to the kitchen, picking up here and there a paper of the lawyer office.

The records of divorce, the records of settlement, the records of our meetings, I threw them in a drawer and banged it shut, because I thought locking the memories would take away the pain. Then I saw the little, squashed pregnancy test I had put in my purse before. My hand was floating over it. An instant panic swept,No,Not now. I was in need of control, of sanity. I slipped it into a drawer of the back of my dresser, where nobody would see it, where nobody would think of it. Never seen, never heard.The quietness of the apartment was restored, too quiet. The whistle of air passing through the vents, the hum of the refrigerator seemed to be increased. I shivered at the squeak of the planking under my naked feet. The absence of Adrian was an odd combination of freedom and loss. I ought to have been rejoicing in the liberation, but I was just empty.

There was a vibration which startled me.,My phone. I glanced at the screen and froze.,Victor,I didn’t answer. I hesitated a moment, then I placed my thumb again on the counter. My heart beating I sunk down on the edge of the couch, and wrapped my arms around my knees. I despised the fact that I shuddered when I saw his name on the paper, and that it was a mixture of guilt, and fear, and something I could not call. My heartbeat increased and I attempted to calm down my breath. He was not to be listened to, was he? Distance, space,Safety.

But still my mind betrayed me, as I said that. I recalled the warmth of his hands, the bulk of his body, the manner in which his voice had been authoritative and reassuring. I put my head on the shake, in an attempt to drive the memories out. They were dangerous.

I got on my feet and started to clean up. Things thrown on the couch were returned to drawers; the dishes in the sink were washed and put away. Organizing ritual provided a little control. I took towels, and put them up on the shelf, and hung pictures on the walls. Mechanically my hands moved and the thoughts ran up,what I would do, how I would cope, how I would get out of this impossible mess of secrets and lies.I was breathing more easily when I was finished. My room appeared well organized, serene even, but the tranquility was like a trap. My ears were pressed into silence, and I had the unpleasant sensation that I was not alone,I paused, listening. The noise of the city beyond seeped through the window, although below it a strain persisted.I headed to the living room, half believing that I had dreamed the feeling. Then I beheld it,or I touched it. Something, something, something, a weight, something, something, a presence, something hanging just out of my awareness. My stomach tightened and I stood still half way across, glancing at the window. The mirror image of the room returned me calm, vacant, but something about the shadows in the shadows caused my chest to draw in.I swallowed hard. “It’s nothing,” I whispered to myself, but the words rang hollow. My heart was beating , I placed a thump in my ears as I crept up to the window, half-fearing, half-hopeful, that it was but a fancy. I drew the curtain aside a little, Empty street, No one. And nothing but the dull brightness of the streetlights playing off the asphalt.I gave a wavering sigh and withdrew. My hands were sweaty; I clasped them between my thighs, and hoped my body would relax. But still, though I attempted to reason it away, I could not get rid of the sensation of eyes,watching, waiting.

I was suddenly in my apartment, my home, which seemed like a cage.I sat down on the couch, leaning my back against the cushions. Thoughts spiraled,Adrian,Victor,The baby,My mother. The legal mess. It was too cumbersome to carry. But still I could not prevent the racing thoughts, could not prevent the imagining of a shadow at the window, of a pair of eyes that were examining me, waiting to intrude my well-built life.

A new vibration, My phone again,Victor.I put it aside again, placing the device on its face on the coffee table. It was not only because I was afraid but also frustrated with myself. Why was he able to do this to me? Why did my body not fail me with recalled warmth, with guilt, with longing? I clenched my face in my hands, and thought, please, stop,Minutes passed,Or maybe hours. Time lost amid the obscurity of the room. I made myself stand, stamping back and forth across the couch to the kitchen and back.

Each noise, a crashing door somewhere outside, a cat purring somewhere, startled me. I was continually back to the same thought: there was someone,someone outside waiting, watching.I attempted to laugh it off. You are weary, Isabella, I said to you, the empty room. Only your nerves. Only stress. But the laugh was hollow and trembling. My hands were still trembling. I stood at the counter, gazing at the floor. Control, I needed control.With every second, the apartment grew heavier, and each shadow was a possible danger. And, though logically, I knew I was alone, I could not overcome the feeling that someone was out there,Watching,Waiting.

I drew the curtain to the end, and locked the window behind. The apartment was airtight and was thought to be secure. but my heart would not believe it.

The tension was hanging somewhere in the darkness and I knew whatever was out there, was not finished yet.I sat back on the couch, and drew my arms around my knees again. Physically tired, mentally alert, I spoke under my breath: I can not do this. I can not. not yet.There was a silence in the room. But the anxiety, the being, the returning shadows,they never left.

And somehow I had a feeling that they would never.