Chapter 4 - I love Lucy and she loves me

"Dear heart,

Don't fear what makes you feel."

****************

Lilly's POV

I peeked from over the book in my hands to sneak a look at the guy sitting across of me. He had his elbow pressed over the armrest of the chair, the side of his face pressed against his palm, his eyes focused on the book placed over his lap.

I took into a shaky breath and let my eyes drift back to the book in my hands. One advantage of being stuck in a library; the endless supply of books.

Without thinking, my eyes lifted up again and fell on him, still way too engrossed in his book. One of the disadvantages of being stuck in a library; Me shamelessly checking out Chase with every passing second.

His tongue darted out to lick his lips and I had to force myself not to eye its movement. Shit. I am in trouble, big big trouble. For the first time ever, I have slept by his side, no, not just that, I was wrapped up between his arms...that's how I woke up. The thought alone made my stomach flip, either butterflies or hunger, I couldn't figure out which was which at the moment.

I woke up smelling just like him, his sweater still over my body, providing me some warmth in the midst of this freezing cold. On instinct, my face lowered and I buried my nose in the neck of the sweater. I inhaled and my eyes closed as I raveled in its scent.

My eyelids glided open and the first thing they met was his blue eyes staring back at me. Oh shit. I cleared my throat and slammed my book shut, "I am just cold." I mumbled, explaining why I had my nose buried in his sweater. Damn.

A hint of a smile played over his lips before he turned his attention back to his book, totally unbothered. To run away from my embarrassment, I got to my feet, walked past him and left the room.

I pulled the hoodie over my head and wandered around, in the hopes of finding something to eat or maybe a secret door leading to the outside world. I can go back home, eat a very delicious warm meal and pretend I never was here, never saw Chase and never slept beside him. Sounds great.

Secret door, where are you?

I shivered so I wrapped my arms around my body, blocking the coldness away but nothing worked as I walked down one of the stairs. It took me to the underground floor where a bunch of closed doors welcomed me. There had to be food in this place somewhere. The librarians had to eat lunch. A break room, maybe?

I tried to open them one by one but they all seemed to be locked. Reaching the last door, I twisted the knob and for the first time, the door opened. I gasped lowly and my stomach made weird noises, probably excited and eagerly waiting for its salvation.

I looked inside the very small room, there was a big couch by the wall, on the top of it laid a big blanket. In front of the couch stood one of the oldest TV I've ever seen. Its screen is way too small and it was quite fat from the back. Like really fat. Wow, looks like the ones I see in my mom's old pictures. My eyes drifted across the small room and I almost squealed from happiness when I spotted the very small fridge. I ran as fast as my legs could take me, almost tripping on my short way to the fridge.

I crossed my fingers and opened one of the doors. On the shelf in the middle was a clear Tupperware container of who-knew-what. Aside from that were two mystery paper bags. On each of them laid a sticky note that said, "Monte's property. DON'T EAT MY FOOD."

Well, sorry Monte. I am starving.

One of the bags had a ham and cheese sandwich inside, the other an apple with a small cupcake and a Greek yogurt cup. My stomach tightened in anticipation as I opened the Tupperware and found spaghetti with veggies. Well, looks like Monte planned a whole day's meal but never got the chance to eat them. Too bad for him.

I swallowed down the saliva gathering in my mouth, cold food or not, I am more than happy with the fact that I won't die from starvation. We can divide and share these three small meals and probably survive the following two days.

The fact that the fridge is on made me question if the electricity is only working in this specific small room. I flipped the switch and light from the lamp enveloped the whole room. I sighed and a small smile played over my lips before I left the room and ran back upstairs, ready to drag that annoying human down with me.

"Say thank you Lilly, you're the best thing in this world, and without you I don't know how I would survive..." I said as I stood behind him and placed my hands over his shoulders.

He tilted his head back to meet my face and gave me a questioning look in response.

I stared down at him and shrugged, "Since I am way too awesome," I rested my palm over his cheek and tapped it lightly over it, "I found us some food, something that looks like a TV and a big couch we can rest on."

*********

We ended up splitting the ham and cheese sandwich in the middle and fed our starving stomach, shutting it up for the moment.

Then, in one of the drawers, I found a deck of cards and somehow, we ended up playing poker.

"You hiding cards up your sleeves or something?" I angrily questioned. Without thinking, I grabbed his hand, flipped it palm up, and ran my fingers along his wrist.

He met my eyes and shook his head, "I don't cheat."

I pulled back my hand and huffed out. He was wining every damn round. Damn him.

He gathered his cards together and handed them back to me. He shrugged, "Maybe you need to shuffle better."

I was about to protest but realized he was kidding when a small smile played on his lips. A tingling sensation went up my arms. I rubbed at them. It was still way too cold. "I'm a great shuffler." I said, "You're just lucky. Very, very damn lucky."

"Yeah. I'm the luckiest guy on earth." His voice didn't sound sarcastic, but I knew he was being sarcastic somehow

I gave him a nonchalant shrug, "Of course, you're stuck here with me, can it get any luckier than this?"

A short annoyed breathe parted his lips, "It doesn't."

I shot him a small glare as I shuffled through the cards, "How about we spice this up?" I asked and he nodded, ushering me to carry on, "Strip poker?" I asked with a bright smile. His eyes shot to mine and gave me a terrified look. I chuckled in return, "I am kidding, no way I am stripping in this cold," I shivered at the idea alone, "We can play for questions."

"What do you mean?"

I folded my cards to look at him. "If I win, I get to ask you a question that you have to answer honestly. If you win, you get to ask me."

"You do realize that I've won the last nine hands."

"Really? Nine?" My eyebrow raised, "Have you been counting?"

"Yes."

I chuckled, "Then you have nothing to lose."

He didn't answer, instead picked up his cards and looked at each one.

"So? Is that a yes?" I asked.

"Why not?" His tone was somewhat challenging.

I fanned out my cards and tried to keep my face even, blank. "Do you want to trade any cards?"

"One."

I slid him a card then traded one as well. I couldn't help but smile when it gave me a full house. He laid down a royal flush and my smile was immediately gone. Why luck is not on my side today?

Before I had the chance to show my cards, he said, "So my question is," His eyes met mine as he ran his fingers through his hair, "Why did you kiss me on your birthday?" His voice didn't waver, as if that question was running through his head for quite some time. He didn't seem to even think about it.

I swallowed hard and shrugged, "I was drunk."

"That's not an answer."

"It's my answer. Deal with it." My tone came out a bit harsh.

He raised his eyebrows a bit, "What about last week?" He questioned, "I am pretty sure you weren't drunk then."

My jaw clenched tight while nervously grinding my teeth, "You get one question only."

"I won ten time, I still got nine questions to go." The nerve of this SOB.

His eyes kept their focus on me, waiting for an answer. The answer that I don't have.

"I don't know." I said the truth, my eyes tried to look anywhere but at him.

I looked up at him, "Why you don't want me and Zack to be together?" I shot my question at him before he could react to my previous answer. It was no longer a game of cards. We were just trying to make each other uncomfortable, because that's just so fun, isn't it?

"Because you two just..." He started, he seemed to be searching for the most suitable word as he leaned forward, "You don't fit together."

I was kind of shocked that he didn't shy away from answering, "Oh really?" I snarled, "And who do I fit with?" I sarcastically remarked as I nodded my head forward, "With you?"

This question seemed to take him way off guard, he straightened himself in his seat across of me and shook his head, his throat bobbed and his voice lowered this time as he eyed the card placed in front of him, "I never said that."

I nodded my head, "It's true." I said, "You never did."

Because if you would actually tell me the truth, I might give you an answer. I might tell you how I can't take you out of my head since that stupid kiss. How I sleep thinking about you and wake up with that same thought. How I run away from this by focusing on Zack...Because this...This is dangerous. It's too real, which makes it just as scary.

I always understood what I felt for Zack. But now, this new thing for Chase, I don't get it.

"It's better if we don't play this question thing." I remarked as I gathered the cards and placed them away, "Apparently, we don't know how to be civil."

"I agree." He said before he got to his feet and went for the couch. I did the same and turned the mini TV on. Most of the channels were gone so I settled on a one that's rerunning a white and black old TV show that my mom probably used to watch.

I turned the volume up and plopped my legs over the couch, they reached where Chase was sitting so I retreated them back. He threw me a glare before he took hold of my leg and pulled them so i can lay comfortably. My feet rested over his lap and he took the blanket from his side and threw it over my legs. I pulled it up my body and mumbled, "Thanks."

He didn't say anything in return and focused his gaze on the TV, his elbow pressed over the armrest and his cheek rested in his palm while his other hand laid over my leg. He would gently run it up and down, without even noticing as we watched the show.

A couple of episodes later, my eyes failed me and slowly started to shut down, the last thing I remember hearing before drifting off was Ricky singing, "I love Lucy, and she loves me..."

***********

I was first met with darkness as my eyes slowly glided open. I blinked, adjusting my eyes to my surroundings. My stomach tightened and I pressed my hand over it, trying to let that pain go. I sighed and got my upper body up. I was still on the couch, the blanket covering me but Chase was nowhere to be seen. Where did he go? Is he sleeping upstairs?

I groaned, annoyed. I rubbed at my eyes and got to my feet. I took the small battery lamp from my side and turned it on as I made my way up the stairs to check on him. I went back to where we slept yesterday and much to my luck, he was there, sitting on the chair, his back facing me now. He had his elbows propped over the table and his head in his hands.

I stepped closer, "Chase," I said as a weird feeling clamored up my chest.

He lifted his head up, "Yeah," He said, his voice lower than usual. I placed the lamp over the table and seated myself on the chair beside him, "Are you okay?" I asked, something just didn't feel right and that pushed worry to the forefront of my mind.

He nodded, "Yeah," he said, "I am fine."

But no, he wasn't. He was practically pulling the words out of his throat and he was so desperately trying to steady his breath. My heart sped as I brought the lamp closer so I can see him better.

His hand tightened over the side of the table and I noticed the bob in his throat, the hard swallow, the heavy rise and fall of his chest and the redness spreading over his neck.

My heart thundered so hard I felt it in my ears, "Oh my god," left me in a whisper as I inched closer. My hand went to his arm, "Where does it hurt?"

His eyelids dropped down and he shook his head, my hand went to his chest, under his shirt, his skin was hot, it couldn't be this much hot in this cold. My hand pressed against his skin, feeling his heart beat way too fast, feeling as his chest heavily rose up and down.

The shift in my heartbeat was immediate as I registered the whole situation. My hand traveled to his face, "Chase, look at me," I mumbled and his eyes opened, meeting mine, "Look, we can...we can do this without the inhaler, okay, just...just please focus on breathing and keep your eyes, keep your eyes on me," I nodded my head, "Just look at me, okay, now...now breath in," I said and he did as I said, "And now...breath out." A stuttered breathe left him in a wheeze.

His eyes pressed shut and he winced. His hand went to his chest and he rubbed at it, as if trying to blunt the ache inside.

Blood pumped hard, forcing the acceleration of my pulse, "Chase, please, you can't do this to me now..." My voice came out so weak, a plea, "We can, you can...you can get through this, I read about it...You just need to focus, just focus on my voice now and try to...to breath again, okay, you can do it, I am sure you can." I stuttered out, my words a mess. I was slowly losing the calm act I am trying so hard to pull off.

He opened his eyes and took a breath into his lungs before he let it out. I nodded my head, "Okay, okay, now do it again."

He did it and I nodded, ushering him to carry on. I swallowed past the lump lodging itself in my throat, the fear taking a grip over my lungs made it hard even for me to breath.

But still, with every time he did it, his breathing seemed to rhythm out, till that wheezing sound at the end faded and I felt his shoulder slowly relax down.

In my life, the times I have cried can be counted on one hand.

The first was when Max was little and fell off his bicycle and injured his knee. I cried so much till he stopped crying himself.

The second was when mom got so sick and went to the hospital. I cried so bad till they took me to see her.

The third...the third was when I finally noticed the scars over my dad's arm. I cried myself to sleep that day.

And the fourth was now.

Tears gathered, streaking down the sides of my face and dripping down my chin before I could control or hold them back.

Tears of relief maybe. Tears of fear. I don't know. But in my life, I have cried only when the people I love were in pain.

And now, I was freaking crying again.

Chase's hand went above mine over his cheek and the other went to my cheek and wiped the silent tears away.

His eyebrows pulled together, confused at my sudden outburst of tears. His blue eyes held mine for a couple of seconds before I felt myself inching closer.

My hand left his cheek and went around his body as my forehead pressed against his chest. I pressed my eyes shut and stopped the tears from escaping past the threshold.

His hand traveled to the back of neck, almost pulling me closer to him. I released a ragged breath as he called out my name ever so softly, "Lilly."

Emotions mixed and spun through my chest before I edged my head backward a fraction. My eyelids glided open and tried to read all that was written in his.

I breathed out and shook my head, "We can't."

Two words, that I knew he understood.

Because he too shook his head and whispered, "We can't."

We can't. We just can't start this.

Because if we start it, it will end someday and neither of us will be ready to lose the other.

We can't. Because there is so much at risk here.

We can't. The timing isn't right.

We're young. We're reckless. We would reck this too.

This connection we have, is magnetic.

But just like that, it's only temporary.

It would only lead to a disaster.

"What if we risk it?" He asked.

"What if I lost you?" I know myself.

He shook his head, "What if I promise you that you won't?"

"Can you keep that promise?"

He nodded, "I promise."

A moment of silence engulfed us. A hundred thought swirled through my head, a thousand emotion brimmed up my chest.

Should I? Should we?

Is it worth it?

Should i place my bets on this?

But what if just like that poker game, I place my bets and lose.

Will I be able to handle the consequences?