The First Letter

‘13 July 2010

To Jonathan

I will probably never give you this letter but I am still writing it for the sake of my sanity. I have been going crazy ever since you asked me out. I am so confused and I don’t know what to do. My feelings are all over the place and I am stuck in a whirlwind of emotions. Isn’t it crazy that when I wanted your attention you never looked at me that way and now that I am trying to save my heart by keeping my distance you are pleading with me to let you in? I am torn between the instinct to protect my heart and to let you in and give in to my feelings. You have always been out of my league Jonathan, I am just a simple girl and you are like some celebrity in the university. Amongst so many girls vying for your attention, what made you notice me? I am just a wildflower when compared to them. I had a crush on you ever since Alice introduced me to you, not that I will ever admit it in front of you but then you opened your mouth and ruined it all.

When we had met for the first time you had behaved like an arrogant jerk, you were so sure that I will fall for your looks and charm just like other girls, and that day I had been more than happy to deflate your humongous ego which would have put dinosaurs to shame. The look on your face was priceless when I told you that I would rather stay alone than falling for some wannabe celebrity. We continued our banter for days to come and unknowingly we became friends. It wasn’t until the end of our first year when I began noticing little things about you like how you rake your hair when you are nervous or irritated or how you put your hands in your jeans pocket when you feel sad. It was around that time when I began falling for you and before you think that I began falling for your looks let me tell you that I didn’t care for your looks. I fell for the guy who cared so much for his sister that he ran out in the pouring rain just because she had a cold and wanted some chicken soup, the guy who was so loyal that he would rather suffer the punishment than betray his friends and the guy who was capable of so much compassion that he allowed some stranger to crash in his house when there was a storm outside.

When the Second year came you began flirting with me, making me blush at every chance you got and that was when for the first time I felt that maybe just maybe you also liked me the way I did. But then as soon as the thought came it flew away when I found you and Victoria kissing in the hallway. I was crushed. Alice asked you about it and you said that it was just a kiss and nothing more than that. It was on the same day when Matt a guy from our class asked me out and unable to refuse the hopeful look on his face I had said yes. At first, you had been angry but when Alice reminded you that it was none of your business your anger drained out and you became sad. However, it was my only date with Matthew, and to be honest it sucked because you were the only thing that I could think about during the date.

I was so angry at myself for not being able to chuck you out of my mind and for having these feelings for you when I knew that you will never be serious about such relationships. I wanted to talk to somebody so bad but I had no one to talk to because talking to you about my feelings would have been painfully awkward and Alice being your sister could not know about my feelings for you. So I started maintaining my distance from you, instead of coming over to your house for sleepovers, I began calling Alice over to my dorm, Talking to you only when it was absolutely necessary. I tried to ignore you as much as I could. I had no idea until today that keeping a distance from you had affected you too.

As I was going to the cafeteria today, you caught my wrist and I felt a jolt of electricity shoot through my arm, from the look on your face you felt it too. I asked you what did you want and you replied that you just wanted me. I was shocked and happy but then I remembered that you are never serious about these things, my mind going back to that kiss you shared with Victoria last year and your answer after that. I think that I was more affected by your answer to Alice about that kiss than I was by catching you and Victoria kissing. I told you to stop playing games with me. Your grip on my wrist tightened as if you knew I was going to walk away and then you told me that you were done with hiding your feelings and trying to suppress them. You said “Please Liza, give me a chance and give us a chance. Will you please go on a date with me?”

The sincerity in your voice and that look in your ever expressive eyes asking me to give ‘Us’ a chance shocked me and I would have agreed to go out with you right away had my mind not protested bringing back my low self-confidence and making me question that why would you even want me. I told you I needed time to think and you said that I had all the time I needed and that you will be waiting for my answer and by the look in your eyes I could tell that you will wait for me even if I take an era to answer

I will tell you ‘Yes’ tomorrow. I know that you were never serious about relationships before but I also know that you will never hurt me, at least not intentionally. I have my own insecurities Jonathan, I have my own nightmares and it will not be easy for me knowing that although you can have any girl in the university you are still choosing me. I am afraid Jonathan but I trust you. I trust you enough to leave my heart in your hands, I just hope that you will not break it and maybe it is too soon and maybe I am crazy but I think that in all the time in which I was trying to keep my distance I have managed to make myself fall for you even more.

Eternally in love with you,

Yours and only yours

Liza.’

Jonathan had often wondered that what had been going through Liza’s head when she had asked for some time to think. He remembered how he had wanted to stop Liza from going on that date with Matt, there was jealousy raging inside him when Liza had agreed to the date but along with it he had felt fear, he had been afraid that Liza might fall for Matthew. Initially, he had enjoyed bantering with Liza and within months their casual bantering had turned into a friendship.

He didn’t remember when or how he fell for Liza. He just knew that loved Liza, he loved the way she shyly tucked her hair behind her ear, the way she bit her lips when she was nervous. He loved that although his Liza was the sweetest and kindest person he had ever come across she was never afraid to stand up for her views and was feisty as hell when someone crossed her. He knew that Liza was insecure and that she had her own emotional baggage to carry but he loved even that part of her because it was what made her his Liza.

There was a soft smile on Jonathan’s face as he forgot about his demand for divorce, Liza’s betrayal, and just remembered the sweet old times. There was no trace of the hungover man he had been before reading the letter as he read it over and over again.