Ch40

NOVA

Of all the things Enzo could have said... he chose this? He chose to say that we hook up? Or date behind Noah's back? Or do whatever he thinks behind my brother's back?

What an idea. What a totally fucked up idea! How on earth did he think about that? And also... I have to get my brains checked. Enzo didn't really just tell me he has feelings for me, did he?

I bite down my lips, gazing away from the man standing in front of me. We stand there in silence. When I think he's going to say something, he doesn't and maybe he thinks I'll say something as well.

I just...

"Nova..."

"I don't believe you." I tell him the moment he calls my name. He tilts his head. "I don't believe you. Yeah, let's say you did care about me before I almost ruined your hockey career. You cared about me like a sister. But let's face it, Enzo. Come on. We both know you've never looked at me more than Noah's little sister."

Enzo clicks his jaw, his eyes doing a full flash. "Do you want to test that theory?"

I blink. Now what does he mean by that? "I don't understand."

He folds his arms. "You said I've never looked at you as more than Noah's baby sister. Do you want to test that theory?"

I run my tongue over my lips, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. "I'm not against that. I just need to know what you have in mind."

He nods, glancing back at the house. "Whatever works for you. How would you like to be convinced."

Under his gaze, I feel small. Right, he's looked at me thousands of times. Today... now... it just feels like we're alone which technically we are. I swallow nothing, my head reeling.

Ways? Whatever works for me? I could ask him to kiss me. If he hesitates or has even the slightest discomfort on his face, that would give me my answer. Knowing Enzo, he would just laugh it off. I don't even think he feels a thing for me. So there's that. He would never kiss me. He couldn't.

"Fine. Kiss me." I say, jutting my chin upwards.

"I could kiss anyone, anywhere, anytime. Kissing is basic. Do you want just that?"

I blink. "It's not basic."

"Well, think of this as a chance or an opportunity to... to get what you want."

My head is blank. I feel my skin tingle with the closeness. The coldness is slowly seeping out and I'm starting to feel all hot over. With a small shake of my head, I ask. "What I want?"

"You've never, ever wished to be laid back bare, roughed, manhandled and fucked? Tell me, Nova. What are your deepest, dirtiest fantasies and I'll try to fulfill them. I think that's the only way you'd believe a word I say."

He goes quiet, staring at me after his speech. And I'm staring right back, silently. I'm not silent because I don't know what to say. It's just one of those times when you can't even believe what's unfolding...

Slowly, his lips curve. Not into a smirk. Not exactly. It's something else. Something that makes me want to look away and simultaneously demand to know what the hell is so amusing.

He's not surprised, neither is he even remotely stunned. He's amused.

"Oh," he says, nodding to himself. "Figured."

I blink. "Figured what?"

He tilts his head, studying my face. "That you'd be clueless."

My mouth falls open. "Clueless?" I repeat.

"Would you prefer inexperienced?"

"What the... Enzo!"

"What?" He shrugs. "You look so blank because I asked you about your fantasies."

"I didn't look blank."

"Sure."

"I didn't! I—Read—Books—And—I—Know—What—You—Mean," I blurt.

Enzo goes quiet for two seconds. Then one eyebrow rises. "What?"

"I read books!" I repeat, my words tumbling over one another. "And I know what you mean. I know what you're talking about. I'm not stupid, Enzo. I know what sex is. I know what people do. I have an imagination. A perfectly functional imagination, actually, and I don't need you looking at me like I'm some sheltered little girl who has never heard of anything remotely inappropriate in her entire life."

He stares at me, then he presses his lips together.

"Are you laughing at me?"

"No."

I narrow my eyes.

He gives me that infuriating little smile again. "So, are you going to tell me, or am I supposed to guess?"

I swallow. "I have one."

His amusement fades. "Yeah?"

I nod.

"Okay." He unfolds his arms. "Lay it on me."

Immediately, my courage abandons me. I glance down at my feet, suddenly fascinated by the way my toes are splayed against the asphalt.

"Well..."

"Well?"

"It's not exactly..."

"Nova."

I look up.

"Take your time."

He isn't laughing anymore. He's looking at me with an attentiveness that makes my chest feel strangely tight, as if he genuinely wants to hear whatever ridiculous thing is about to come out of my mouth.

I take a breath. "One time, this girl made a deal with her brother's best friend."

Enzo's expression changes. Only slightly, but I notice. "Interesting," he says. "What kind of deal?"

I fiddle with my fingers. "She wanted him to... taint her from within."

I want the ground to swallow me whole. I want the house behind us to spontaneously combust so that I can use the chaos as an excuse to run away. I want to travel to another country, change my name, and never speak to another human being again.

Instead, I stand there while Enzo looks at me.

Then he slowly tilts his head. "That's interesting."

I squeeze my eyes shut. "Please don't say it like you're thinking about it."

He chuckles. "I'm thinking about the fact that you just told me your fantasy is a story you read. So, let me get this straight. You want to make a deal with your brother's best friend."

I stare at him. "That's not what I said."

"Close enough."

"It's not!"

"Fine. Do you want that?"

"No!"

The answer comes out so quickly that he blinks. I shake my head again, more frantically this time. "No. Absolutely not. I mean, the girl in the book wanted that, but I don't necessarily want..."

I stop, he waits. I fucking hate that he waits. I hate that he doesn't interrupt me or rescue me from my own embarrassment. He simply stands there, watching me with those dark eyes, giving me room to say something I'm not entirely sure I'm brave enough to admit.

My voice comes out smaller when I finally speak. "I just..."

"What, Nova?"

I swallow. "I just want you to be caring and loving."

His smile disappears. Not gradually. It simply vanishes, leaving something unreadable in its place.

I look at him, my heart thudding so loudly that I'm almost certain he can hear it.

"I want you to be nice to me," I continue, forcing myself to keep talking before I lose my nerve. "And not in the way you usually are. Not the way you're nice to Noah or Genevieve or literally everybody else you know. I want you to be nice to me because you want to be."

He says nothing.

"I want you to ask me how my day was and actually listen to the answer. I want you to remember little things about me. I want you to check on me when I'm quiet and notice when something is wrong, even when I tell you I'm fine."

My throat tightens.

"And I want to be able to call you when something happens, whether it's something good or something terrible, and know that you'll pick up. I want to be able to tell you things without worrying that you'll make fun of me later."

"Nova..."

"And I know that sounds stupid."

"It doesn't."

"It does."

"It doesn't," he repeats.

I look away. "Maybe not to you, but it does to me. Because I've spent years watching you with other people, and I've always wondered what it would be like if you looked at me that way. If you treated me like I was someone you wanted, someone you chose to be around."

My cheeks burn.

"And I know you said you have feelings for me, but I don't know what that means. I don't know if you mean you want me or if you just don't want me to think you've never seen me as anything other than Noah's annoying little sister."

His jaw tightens.

"I'm not asking you to commit to anything," I rush to add. "I'm not asking you to fall in love with me. I'm not even asking you to tell everybody about us. I just want to know what it's like to be your girlfriend."

He watches me for a long moment. Then he asks quietly, "And the other stuff?"

I blink. "What other stuff?"

"Nova."

"Oh."

Heat crawls up my neck. I look down again. "I mean..." I clear my throat. "I can't pretend I don't want anything sexual because..."

"Because?"

I shoot him a look. He has the audacity to look innocent. "Because I do, okay?"

His eyebrows lift. "Okay."

"I want to know what it feels like to be someone's girlfriend," I admit. "To have someone like me enough to want to hold my hand. To kiss me because he wants to kiss me, not because he's trying to prove a point. To have someone pull me closer when we're sitting together. To have someone look at me and make me feel like I'm not just... there."

My voice wavers.

"And, yes, I want to know what it feels like to be wanted that way, too. I'm not going to pretend otherwise. But I don't want that to be the only thing between us."

Enzo's gaze doesn't leave mine.

"I want the little things," I whisper. "The stupid things. The things that probably don't mean anything to you but would mean everything to me."

He exhales and drags a hand over his jaw. "You know that's a big ask, right?"

My stomach drops. Of course. Of course, it is. I nod, trying to pretend the disappointment isn't already settling into my chest.

"I know."

"Do you?"

"Yes, Enzo."

"Because you're asking me to be your boyfriend."

"Not my husband." I say, as if that'll help. His mouth twitches. I continue before he can say anything.

"And I'm not asking you to marry me or buy me a house or introduce me to your entire family. I'm asking you to try. Just try being with me, and if it doesn't work, then at least I'll know."

He studies me. "And if it does work?"

I stop breathing for half a second. "What?"

"If it works, Nova. What then?"

I stare at him, my mind suddenly blank. "I..."

"You're asking me to give you a chance. I'm asking what happens if I give you one and neither of us wants to stop."

My heart slams against my ribs. I have no answer for that. Because the truth is, I've imagined a thousand different versions of what it would be like to be with Enzo.

In every single one of them, I'm the one who falls harder.

I'm the one who gets attached.

I'm the one who lies awake at night replaying every conversation while he sleeps peacefully, unaware that he's become the center of my entire universe.

But I can't tell him that.

So I lift my chin and say, "Then we'll figure it out."

"Fine."

I blink. "Fine?"

"I'm in."

"You're in?"

"I'm in, Nova."

"You mean..."

"I mean I'll do it."

I make a small, strangled noise.

He arches an eyebrow. "Was that not clear enough?"

I stop, pressing my lips together. We stand there, just looking at each other. Neither of us moves.

I can hear distant cricket noises coming, the faint sound of a door opening somewhere in the neighborhood, but out here, everything feels strangely suspended.

Enzo shifts his weight and I glance at his hands. Then at his face. Then away again. Oh, God. What happens now? Do we shake hands? Do we write up a contract? Do I ask him to sign something confirming that he understands the terms and conditions of this ridiculous arrangement?

"Nova."

I look up. "Yeah?"

"We need to talk about something. If we're doing this, I don't want you agreeing to things just because you think it's what I want."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean exactly what I said. You don't have to prove anything to me. You don't have to pretend you're more experienced than you are, and you don't have to agree to anything you're not comfortable with."

My cheeks warm. "I know."

"Good." He pauses. "And if you change your mind about anything, you tell me. No pretending. No trying to impress me."

I bite my lip. There's something I need to say. Something that has been sitting in the back of my mind since the moment he suggested we could be together.

Something that might ruin this before it even begins.

"There's one more thing."

I take a breath. "We're not telling Noah." The words come out at the same time. "We're not telling Noah," Enzo says.