Chapter 20

‘Logan?’ I texted once more.

After nearly an hour there was still no response. I was getting frustrated when a nurse came in to do my observations again.

“Can I go to the toilet?” I asked.

“That’s a great sign. Of course, let me get someone else to help you up out of bed.”

She pressed the call button for assistance and another nurse arrived. They slowly helped me up and assisted me to the toilet. I felt indignified, I knew deep down I would not be able to go without assistance though. At least not for a little while anyway. Once I was done, I stood looking at myself in the mirror. It was the first time I had seen myself in over 72 hours. I looked like a ghost, I was unrecognizable. The reflection staring back at me was not me. I turned away quickly, and I was helped back into bed. I kept checking my phone but there was still nothing from Logan.

Sleep didn’t come easy that night. I struggled to get comfy. Logan haunted my thoughts, the look on his face when he walked out. I couldn’t shake it. I had hurt him by stating the obvious. I couldn’t use him as a reason to stay when we had met under extraordinary circumstances and what I was feeling could be the result of trauma and medication. I kept asking myself, are my feelings real?

By the morning after very little sleep, I found myself shuffling on the bed and trying to stand on my own. The nurses caught me and ushered me back into bed. I hit the bed in frustration. Between pent up anger over Logan and his lack of response and the events of the last few days my emotions began to flow uncontrollably.

“I want to go home!” I shouted and cried.

The nurse called a doctor to try and calm me. I didn't care what they had to say, I needed to get out of there. I wanted to go home, I wanted to know why it was me they chose, but above all I wanted to apologize to Logan. The doctor told me if I didn’t calm down, they would have no choice but to sedate me, which would prolong my overall stay in hospital. I screamed at them.

“Let me go!”

I didn’t care; I just wanted to find a way out of there. The nurse was instructed to get the sedation while the doctor and another nurse held me in bed. I saw someone rush into the room.

“Leah!” Logan exclaimed. “What’s going on?”

“I want to go home!” I snapped. “Let go of me!”

I didn't care that he was there, I was to angry and frustrated at everything that I just wanted to get out of there. I wanted to run away.

“We’re sedating her.”

“No, wait.” Logan rushed to my side and grabbed my hand.

I looked down and saw his knuckles were battered. I stopped struggling as he grabbed my hand.

“Leah, please calm down,” he asked softly.

My eyes connected with his. I felt a wave of peace wash over me. How did he have this effect on me? Surely this feeling had to be real between us? I stopped fighting them and settled back into bed. Logan convinced them I didn’t need sedating, and he could make sure that I stayed in bed. The doctors reluctantly walked away without sedating me after some discussions between themselves as if I was not in the room.

“What happened to you?” I asked.

“I’m sorry I left like that.”

“What happened?” My tone was stern and unyielding.

“I...” He looked down at his knuckles. “I took some of my frustrations out on my punch bag without gloves.” He hung his head in shame.

“I'm sorry for hurting you.” I said and lifted my hand to his cheek.

He let me cup his cheek and leant his face into my hand.

“I have no right in asking you to stay.” He said quietly.

“As much as I hate to admit it, Abi has a point, I have nowhere to go when I am released. I won’t be able to go home. Not this time. It’s tainted. I won’t feel safe there ever again. Even with all the security systems in the world, home is no longer home.” My voice cracked and tears pricked my eyes as I spoke the last sentence.

“Let’s not think about that for now. We can cross that bridge when we know you are going to be released.”

I knew he was right, but I couldn’t help but think about it. If I was to stay, how would I find somewhere new, while locked into my lease with my landlord. If I did stay, what exactly would I be staying for? There was a never-ending list of questions that were raised in my mind.