Chapter 008: Pain... and Redemption

There must be something wrong with this guy.

Furthermore, it was too unrealistic to receive a confession while I'm in this state. I was lost in his eyes again.

There was a sudden blur in my vision which returned to normal immediately.

The background was different.

Whoa! I can't believe this! A rich dark green mountain background. Sturdy metal cables stretched upwards on either side. Facing me was Chen Lan. My hands tightly clasped within his, I was intently gazing at him.

Why would I do something cheesily romantic like that?

I was walking forward, while Chen Lan was stepping backwards at the same pace as mine without breaking eye contact. I suddenly averted my eyes and looked down.

GOOD HEAVENS!

How many feet is this?! Looks like 1000ft!

Where the hell?!

I could feel that extreme fear.

“Xue'er. Look at me. Don't look down.”

“I'm afraid, this is so embarrassing..”

“It's okay. Just look at me and keep walking, you aren't acrophobic so you'll be fine.”

A young man was daringly walking past us, live streaming on his phone,

“Thank you! That's so many gifts!..... Yes! It isn't that simple to walk on the great Zhangjiajie Grand Canyon Skywalk......... Ah yes! There is a couple behind me slowly trying to cross this glass bridge. Haha...They must have seriously vowed to face all hardships together! We shouldn't affect their privacy, so let's switch to our rear camera view!..........”

Zhangjiajie skywalk! The highest glass bridge in the world. I've actually crossed it with Chen Lan?

The memory dissipated slowly. I was still staring into his eyes. The sun has almost set. I broke our eye contact and stepped backwards. Both of us were silent. I didn't want to lift my eyes off the grass.

I, who didn't want to date any guy, went to that glass bridge with him. I must have trusted him so much. Crossing that scary bridge which stretches for nearly 1500ft in length, and is located at nearly 1000ft in height just with the courage he was passing to me through his eyes, sounds absurd.

It looked like we were midway in the bridge. I will have never walked in on my own nor with my parents. But I crossed it with him. That implies an undeniable truth that….

I trusted him more than I trusted myself or my parents.

Who is he?

How did he gain my trust?

How did he gain my love?

Confused, I stepped back further and was about to turn around to head back in, but Chen Lan immediately grabbed my hand.

I turned around, he gave me an innocent and worried look.

“Laia… I know that I might sound unreasonable, but I really...”

He interrupted midway and looked with an even more worried expression. I realized why as a huge teardrop rolled down my cheek, soon followed by another. Tears kept rolling down my cheek, but I didn't know why and couldn’t stop them either. I felt a deep pain within me and I was sure it wasn't physical.

Meanwhile, I felt the grip around my wrist loosen. He was taking his hand off mine. Inexplicably, the pain within me worsened.

For no reason, I quickly grabbed his hand and shifted my gaze towards it for a while.

.............

Soon as I realized what I was doing, I quickly released his hands from mine and hurriedly wiped my tears away.

.............

We shared a few more moments of awkward silence.

Abruptly without even thinking about it, I blurted out,

“Can you accompany me upstairs to my room?”

He was initially surprised at my question but agreed without delay.

We headed in. Though the hospital was lively, the silence between us made the atmosphere feel so tense and cold. We entered the elevator, and it was only the two of us. However, none of us wanted to talk. When we reached upstairs, we walked through the corridor like total strangers. Finally, we stopped by at the door of my room.

“Chen Lan…”

“Uh?”

I realised that I called him by his name rather than calling him Mr Chen, as I did until now.

He was looking eagerly at me, but he was obviously worried about me.

When I looked at him, I felt an extremely strong urge to accept his confession, but my recently recollected memory replayed itself - the moment I was crying in front of the mirror and regretting accepting him.

It stopped me from saying anything.

A deep battle was going inside me.

I didn't want to repeat the same mistake... But why was it a mistake? Why did I regret it?

Replaying that memory brought more pain. But painful memories can be a strong trigger. I badly wanted to remember everything. I didn't feel such a strong urge all these days until I saw Chen Lan.

Now, I want to remember everything... Just because I want to answer him... Answer this guy who is patiently looking at me with keen and worried eyes… This guy who and is filled everywhere in my memories... This guy whom I have loved so deeply.

…….

Deeply determined, I forced that memory back.

I was crying in front of the mirror.

Why?

I forced it again.

I had something in my hand. What was that?

An iPad...

My iPad... I was looking at it……

A document….

I couldn't see it clearly. I forced it back again.

A letter. An official letter….

Addressed to Chen Lan….

Scholarship…

The memory was still vague. I impatiently tried to force it back but couldn't. Feeling entirely helpless, I broke into huge sobs in despair. My knees gave away and I shrank down to the ground. Chen Lan who didn’t expect this soon crouched down with me. I could feel that the passers-by were watching us.

I didn't have any strength to stand up. But, before I could ask him, I felt myself being lifted off the floor. He gently carried me up in his arms. I was still crying. I wasn't in any mood to savour this cliché moment. A nurse who was passing rushed to us and opened the door. He carried me in, and slowly place me on the hospital bed.

I sat up. My condition seemed to be pacified and I stopped crying but was still deeply aggrieved. I could see him sitting by the side of my bed, with my peripheral vision.

I didn't want to give up... I closed my eyes and forced that memory back.

A scholarship offer for Chen Lan…

I was sobbing while I was looking at that. Suddenly a different voice was playing in my head.

“Laia, do you know how much it meant for him in the past?

A male voice, probably of middle age…

“I'm listening, professor.”

Looks like a phone conversation…

“That was one of his career goals. He is a very bright student as we all know, and it was his dream to study at Yale University. Now, he has received a scholarship to complete his Master degree there, but I can't really imagine that he denied the offer!”

He sounded furious. Of course, he would.

“Laia, I'm not against these romantic relationships, I just don't want him to waste his career goal just like that. I wanted to skin that brat alive when he said that. He has always been a playful punk. But that day he was so stern and even so thick-skinned to listen to my scolding for nearly half an hour. I couldn't change his mind, and I guess only you can. I don't know the reason why he denied it. Do you know why? Maybe I can help him.”

“Professor….. I never knew…”

“He didn't tell you?! Now I'm confused. However, try your best to convince him. I'll send you the document.”

The line went off.

I was already crying and cried even more, when I saw that document. Teary-eyed I was saying,

“Now I have one more reason to disappear out of his life, I seem to be doing no good to him.”

The deep anguish seemed to reverberate throughout my body.

“He denies the offer just to be with me. At this rate, if I left him for good, he'll ruin himself completely. He'll fall into a deep abyss just because of me.”

Currently, it seemed as if the anguish was generating physical pain.

“It is my fault….. I shouldn't have accepted him at all…..”

 “I can't let him suffer and get hurt because of me…….. Sorry, Chen Lan….. Sorry…”

 “As long as memories linger, they'll bring pain…..….”

 “ I'm left with no other choice but to completely wipe me out from your memories……”

…..

So this was actually where these sentences occurred…

I broke down into huge sobs, my shoulders heaved as I cried out of agony. I opened my swollen eyes which were almost blinded by my tears. I could see Dr Wei, and Alice at the rear end of my bed, I glanced at my side to find Chen Lan sitting on the bed, clasping both his hands around my left hand.

I felt my energy draining out, I felt myself falling backwards. I could see Chen Lan rush forwards to hold me. But I couldn't feel anything.

I was conscious, but I couldn't hear anything. I could only see.

In a short while lost my consciousness too…

.....

But I could still see... I was able to hear… I was also able to feel…

I wasn't in the hospital room anymore…

……………………

I was back in my memories….