LOGINChapter 253Aiden "You barely even talked to me back then. You were just my cold, rude roommate who left coffee cups in the sink. And I dreamed you had me in your bed, and you wouldn't give me anything until I said your name." My face was burning. "I woke up so embarrassed I couldn't look at you at breakfast."For a second he looked like he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He did a little of both."You dreamed about me," he said."Don't make it weird.""I'm not making it weird. You made it weird. Months before I even..." He stopped. The smile fell off his face. "Before I ruined it.""Yeah," I said. "Before you ruined it."We looked at each other."In the dream, I had to say your name," I said. "So now you say mine. Out loud. Like you mean it."He took a breath that shook all the way down."Aiden."That's all. Just my name. But he said it like it was the only word he had left, and something in my chest just broke open, and I grabbed the front of his wet hoodie with both hands and
Chapter 252AidenFourteen months is a long time to decide whether you love someone.I decided no in the parking lot at Route Nine. I decided no again in my therapist's office the first week, when she asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted to never feel anything for anybody ever again. I decided yes once at three in the morning, alone in my new apartment, wearing his gray t-shirt with the hole in the collar, and then I took it off and threw it in the trash. In the morning I dug it back out and washed it.Then I read his statement. The one he wrote himself for the court. He listed every single thing he did to me, in order, without one excuse, and at the very bottom he wrote that I didn't owe him a visit, a letter, or even a thought.I went to see him the next week.The first time, we didn't talk at all. We just held those stupid phones on either side of the glass and looked at each other until the guard said time. The second time, I told him I got my scholarship back. The third tim
Chapter 251JovianThree weeks after they took Rian through the double doors, my dad came to visit.I was in the art room when the aide came to get me. I was drawing Marcus's hands this time, because I'd told him I was going to and he said that was weird and then sat still for an hour anyway, holding a pudding cup so I'd have something to draw them around. When the aide said my father was waiting in the visitor room, I dropped the pencil and it rolled off the table, and Marcus bent down and picked it up and put it back in my hand without saying anything."You want me to come?" he asked."No," I said. "I think I have to do this one by myself.""Okay." He went back to his pudding. "If he yells, I'm coming anyway."My dad was sitting in the same oatmeal-colored room where Aiden talked to Chris. I'd heard about that room from Aiden, over the phone, in pieces, on the Sundays he called. I'd pictured it a hundred times. It was smaller than I thought it would be.My dad looked smaller too.He
Chapter 250DezI knew that smile.I'd seen it two nights ago, in my own apartment, when he bent over Chris on my couch and whispered into his ear. He smiled the exact same way now, standing in the parking lot of a psych hospital, looking at me through the glass doors.My whole body went cold.I was sitting on the floor by the vending machine with my knees up and my phone in my hands. I'd just finished playing Rian's voice for a doctor I'd never met, telling a room full of strangers about the garage, about the money, about everything I'd done. For about four minutes, I felt lighter than I'd felt in two years.Then that black car pulled up, and all of it came crashing back down on top of me.The front doors slid open.He walked in slow. He nodded at the woman behind the front desk like he knew her. Maybe he did. He took his hat off and held it against his chest like a gentleman at a funeral.Aiden came in behind him. He'd been standing on the steps. Now he stopped just inside the door
Chapter 249AidenThey gave me my shoelaces back in a little plastic bag.The aide with the gray ponytail handed it to me at the front counter along with my belt and the string from my hoodie, and she said, "I'm sorry, hon," and she looked like she meant it. I stood there holding that bag and couldn't remember how to lace a shoe.Ethan had already told them.He told Dr. Whitlow everything in about ten minutes, standing in the hallway because he wouldn't sit down. There was no Dr. Pruitt. There were no pills from a real doctor. He bought them from a guy at school. I never said someone was hitting all of us. I never asked him to hold my phone. He made up the breakdown. He made up the grief. He even told his mom Harlan was my friend, a mentor, someone I looked up to, because a boy falling apart over a dead friend sounds sad, and a boy who was relieved his abuser was dead sounds dangerous.I listened to him say all of it from the other side of the hallway.He didn't look at me once.When
Chapter 248JovianFor a long time, nobody said anything on the other side of that door.I lay on my elbow with my arm shaking and my eyes burning and watched Rian crouched in the orange hallway light with his mouth against the crack under Aiden's door. He was so still. Waiting. Patient. The way he waited for me every night.Then Aiden's voice came through the door. Low. Tired. Completely flat."Go back to bed, Rian."Rian smiled. I saw it from my bed. Just a little curl at the corner of his mouth."Think about it," he whispered. "You've got all night."He stood up. His knees cracked. He turned toward our door.I dropped back onto my pillow and shut my eyes and made my breathing slow and heavy, and I listened to the door open and close and his socks cross the floor and his mattress creak as he got back into his own bed three feet away."Night, baby," he whispered into the dark.I didn't answer. Sleeping people don't answer.But I didn't sleep. Not for one second. I lay there and stare
Aiden’s POV The second I finally got my headphones back on and the bass hard enough to rattle my teeth, I thought maybe, just maybe the universe was giving me a five-minute break from being its personal punching bag. Laptop open, I was trying to prepare the materials concerning my scholarship,
Aiden’s POV Dr. Patel kept clicking through screens like my entire future wasn’t hanging by a thread, muttering about “system flags” and “additional documentation” while I sat there nodding like a broken toy, hoodie still knotted around my waist, ass stinging every time I shifted. She finally pri
Aiden’s POV I stood there against that brick wall outside the subway exit for what felt like forever, just breathing in shaky little bursts and wiping my face on my sleeve like that would erase the last twenty minutes. My jeans were fucked ripped open at the back seam, hanging half off one hip, th
Aiden’s POV “Do you want me to f*ck you harder?” Chris’ voice is deep and sexy. “Yes, yes. Please I’m com-” "Shh, baby. You need to call me by my name," he whispered. "Chris, Chris... please..." I begged. "No, no, no." He shook his head, signaling that I had given him the wrong answer. His sha







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