3

Three days after my reunion with Elise, we stood in front of the McLaren Enterprise building in downtown Edinburgh. When I asked her how Brandon was able to get me a job without an interview, she just told me Brandon connected with Colin McLaren after he performed surgery on him and saved his life. I wasn’t surprised. Brandon was a brilliant heart surgeon.

I glanced up at the large glass building and back at Elise. No matter how much I objected to her coming, she insisted that she walk me to my new boss on my first day. So here we were, Monday morning, like a mother walking her daughter to school on the first day.

A woman came out of the building in an expensive, crisp dress suit, and I had the distinct feeling I should turn around and leave. I wasn’t ready to go out into the world.

Elise had dragged me to the hair salon, nail salon, and decided to have a spa day. I felt worse than I did before she came. She insisted getting back into the world would help but it didn’t.

I looked down to my plain black skirt, and my plain white blouse with a plain black pair of heels. I glanced at the glass building again, my own reflection staring back at me in the reflective window. I felt like I was staring at a stranger. There was a woman staring back at me that gave the appearance of having her shit together. My dark brown hair was up in a professional twist, my neutral make-up highlighting my high cheekbones and whiskey brown eyes, and my petite frame looked slim, too slim, and tall thanks to the extra two inches of my heels.

I swallowed hard and entered the lobby of the large building. It was elegant with marble everywhere.

“Brandon told me to go straight to the elevator,” Elise commented, reminding me she was here. I nodded and continued to the elevator.

My throat was dry and my heartbeat was ringing in my ears with anxiety. With a slightly shaking hand, I reached out to press the button unsure which floor I was supposed to go to.

“Last floor,” Elise commented behind me. I heard her greet someone but I couldn’t glance behind me. I stared at the elevator numbers lighting up, reflecting the elevator coming back down to the ground floor. Elise kept chatting and I instinctively knew there was a crowd of people waiting for the elevator. I focused on my sister’s voice but my panic was becoming stronger.

I couldn’t do this. I wasn’t ready. I had the distinct feeling I should turn around and leave. I wasn’t ready to go out into the world. There were too many people around me. I felt crowded and smothered. Elise hadn’t left me alone since she came three days ago. I needed alone time. It felt like a betrayal to move on. I wanted to go back into my apartment and close the world out. I needed to go back.

My breathing became heavier and panic swelled in my chest. I desperately tried to calm down, taking a deep breath in and exhaling it out. In and out. In and out.

I placed my hand against the wall and bent my head down. I was losing my shit; breathing wasn’t working at all.

“Eve,” my sister placed her hand on my back in an attempt to comfort me but it had the exact opposite effect.

I shrugged it off, needing space and distance. Not a human next to me.

“Eve,” she muttered even closer to me now. “Talk to me.”

“I can’t do this,” I mumbled in a shaky voice.

I turned around, pushed through the crowd and sped out of the building aware of everyone’s eyes on me. I focused on the exit door, ignoring everything. I could hear my sister’s footsteps rushing after me. I had to get away. From everyone. From everything.

“Wait, Eve.”

I didn’t stop. I just kept going and sped out the door. My sister’s hand grabbed mine, forcing me to stop. We stood there, in the middle of the sidewalk, in front of the McLaren building; me, a total mental disaster and her glaring at me with a mixture of worry and fury.

She turned me around to face her. People were throwing us curious glances, both of us blocking the pedestrian’s traffic, standing in the middle of the sidewalk.

“I said wait,” she reprimanded me just like when I was a little girl. I remained mute, staring at her. I didn’t know what she wanted from me, but whatever it was, I couldn’t give it to her.

“Eve,” her tone changed from reprimand to gentle worry. “I know this is hard. Believe me, if I could make it easier, I would. We have to do something, otherwise this will get worse. You should be healing, not getting worse as time goes on.”

I glanced away from her, noticing a busy street and people rushing all around us but I felt alone. I didn’t know what to say to her. I couldn’t be the same person I was before the accident.

"What do you want me to say, Elise?" I felt the panic rising inside of me, pushing out. "To pretend that none of it happened and to go on with my life as such?"

After months of silence, it was the first time I'd spoken about them aloud.

"I can't! I'm sorry but I can't do that. My life was cut short when my baby and husband died. I shouldn't have been left behind to live without them. I was robbed and I can't be this happy person that acts as if my own life didn't end that night they died."

“Maybe we should look into some treatment center,” she whispered softly and that statement snapped my attention back to her. “I want to help you, but obviously, I don’t know what I’m doing. Both Brandon and I thought it would help you snap out of your state of mind by starting this job but maybe we were wrong.”

I swallowed hard. I couldn’t do counseling and treatment centers. Just the thought of it brought a cold sweat over me. There was no way I could handle talking to strangers about my grief and loss of my family. The wound in me that never healed would start bleeding out.

I’d rather do this routine job than go to a treatment center. I could push through this. I needed to push through this.

“Ok,” I muttered. “I’ll go back in.”

She observed me with concern in her honey eyes. “I want to do what is best for you,” she told me. “Maybe I pushed you too fast and too hard. I am way out of my element here. I’m a physician, not a psychiatrist. It might be better to see one to help us through this.”

I noticed she said “help us” not “help me” and that’s why I loved my sister.

With a choke in my throat, I decided it is the least I could do. “I’ll go back in,” I repeated softly.

“Are you sure?” Her question held concern, love, and hope.

I nodded in silence.

“Okay,” she replied with a hug. “I’ll be with you.”

Together, we went back in and walked to the elevator. With false confidence, I tried to ignore everything. I felt like everyone’s eyes were staring at us but maybe it was in my head. But Elise had my back and we got into the elevator. Just the two of us.

Once I exited at the appropriate floor, Elise spoke to the receptionist, and the next second, there was an older man meeting us.

“Elise and Eve?” he asked with a smile as he approached us. He was at least in his sixties. He was fairly tall and built strong for a man his age. His silvery gray hair made him look distinguished but his eyes appealed the most to me. They were a warm brown and kind.

“Yes,” Elise took the lead, her hand holding mine. “Brandon is my husband and told us you expected us at eight. I apologize, we are a little bit late.”

“That is quite alright,” he replied in a kind voice. “Your timing is perfect.”

I stood still, trying to focus on the conversation. I wanted to appear normal for my sister’s sake, not a complete mess that I was. My mind wanted to block them out but I forced myself to listen.

He turned to me and reached out his hand.