Chrisanna
Which message? My eyes widen at his question. Meanwhile, before I could say anything else, Kylee comes inside with Zoey. Zoey meows at me right away, jumping onto my lap. "She missed you", Kylee pets Zoey's head as I smile, rubbing her fluffy furry torso."Wait!" Samuel husks. As my gaze drifts back to him, he gawks at us in disbelief. "What's this?" he scoffs, narrowing his thick eyebrows in annoyance. I look at Zoey before focusing back on Samuel again. "This? This is a dinosaur with lots of furs and fluff"Samuel throws me a blank look. "I didn't know you had never seen a cat before in your life, Samuel", I gasp under my breath as Zoey snuggles to me. Kylee cracks up. "I can see, it's a cat. But why is it here?" he shrugs."First of all, she's a female cat. So, stop saying 'it'. Call her 'she' And her name is Zoey. Cute no?"Samuel rolls his eyes. "Okay. But it— why is she here?""Because I'm here""Why are you even here?" he grunts with a voice of frustration.I totally ignore him and look back at Zoey. She looks so upset right now. "Hey, sweet girl, it's okay. He didn't mean that. Actually, he's still going through the trauma he's married already", I tell Zoey and she meows.Kylee bursts into laughter again when Samuel keeps shooting me death stares."Kylee, shut up!" Samuel screeches, making her mum. "Stop laughing and go from here now""Fine. But don't argue much. Mom will get to know", Kylee sighs walking out of the room.Right after that, Samuel looks back at me. "She can't stay here!" he says again. "Why?""Because I don't want a mess""Oh? Why would you think that I would listen to you? I can't leave my pet just because you have a problem. And this is not your house either""But the room is mine", Samuel again takes a step closer to me. It's like a turn-off button for everything for me when the distance between us is insanely less. I suck the air under my breath and take a step back. Why does he always gaze at me as if he's gonna eat me up right away?"Fine. She won't be in your room", I let out a breath that I was holding. "Fair enough", he shrugs and walks towards the closet and I find it better to set up a place for Zoey.* Emmy helped me to make a place for Zoey downstairs. Even though I know she is used to staying with me, I can't force Samuel to keep her in there. Everything should be a mutual decision when we have to stay together."Chrissie!" Kylee halts me in the corridor when I was moving towards my room. "Yeah. What's up?" I ask.Kylee gulps down nervously. "I heard you talking to Samuel about the message", she mutters. "How do you know about the message?" I exclaim. "Chrissie, listen", she grabs my wrist and whispers. "I know that was a stupid move. But— I sent that message to you"My jaw drops due to utter shock. "What did you do?""I sent the message. I had Samuel's phone at that time and I did it", she says, lowering her eyes.I can't believe it. "Kylee! Why did you do that?""Because I didn't want anyone else to be my sister-in-law", she shrugs."What? Kylee, that makes no sense", my voice becomes louder as she presses my hand."Please don't tell Samuel about it. I know I made a mistake. But I didn't want you to call the wedding off. You and Samuel look so good together. I wanted to protect my brother from some bitches I don't even know. You were perfect", she says.I sigh.Typical teenagers!I have no words to say. Her foolish act literally got me into trouble. "You understand that Samuel thinks it all happened because of me?" I seethe. "That was so immature of you, Kylee. You can't decide who your brother should get married to or not. You should change the way of your think otherwise, you'll end up being toxic to everyone"As I slam her in utter frustration, she remains silent, lowering her eyes."I'm sorry, Chrissie. I didn't—""I don't wanna talk about it now", I gasp. "And don't worry. I'm not telling him anything", saying, I surge back to the room. When I get inside, I already find Samuel freshened up. He's only wearing a trouser with no upper clothes on which reveals a giant tattoo on his forearm. Once he told me he would get a tattoo when he'll be eligible to get one. He was so passionate about that."When I'll get one, you'll be the first one whom I'll show it to", Samuel's old words echo inside my head with his softest giggle. I didn't know I had been staring at him until he turns to me. Hesitated, I look away immediately, tucking my hair behind my ear. "You really put your clothes next to my clothes?" he shrugs, slamming the door of the closet shut. "Yes", I stutter. "What do you want me to do then?""Let me breathe", he fires back at me, sliding a red t-shirt down to his robust torso which is still wet, water drops dripping down. Jesus! I'm really watching him in such detail!"I didn't stop you from breathing", I snarl."Find some other place for your clothes""I won't", I cross my arms, striding towards the bed and slumping onto it— just in front of him. He stares down at me with that typical ruddy gaze. "Yes. I won't. Because you have to share everything with me from now on. Accept that, Samuel. Because no matter what the circumstances were, we got married. And I'm not taking it as a joke. You have to share your closet, your room, your bed, your washroom, everything with me. Because again, this marriage isn't a joke to me. I don't want any terms and conditions because I do want to make it work. When I took those vows, straight looking into your eyes, I meant that""I meant that too", he snarls, interrupting me midway.My eyes halt at him for a second as he slightly looks away."I'm a believer!" he tells me as if he wants to make it clear that those vows mean to him only because he's a believer."So am I. I'm a regular church goer", I tell him. "That's why I'm saying we should stop fighting and you should stop sulking around. Because we are both at fault. If we're stuck together, it's not only because of me, or only because of you. Our stupidity made this happen. So, just accept what happened and move on. We can't split. You know that. For our families"My voice softens in the end. Even though I'm mad at Kylee, I can't fully blame her. We had all the time to stop it from happening but we kept pushing it away. That was our stupidity.Samuel shrugs, nodding after a long moment of silence. * I come out after taking a long shower and finally getting rid of the wedding dress. I have put on an oversized top with my short pyjamas. My entire body is itching right now. Samuel is already lying on the other side, gratefully leaving some space for me. His eyes are closed. My subconscious automatically takes the chance to properly look at him yet again. I wonder if he even tried to look at me properly like that. I don't understand his harshness towards me. We were so good back then with so many unknown beautiful feelings embracing us until he suddenly left it all behind. I could never know the reason. I didn't think I had the right to ask him either. In so many years. Maybe, now, I have that right. I gulp down my heart beating faster. And you were bravely telling him to share a bed! I yell at myself inside my head. I hesitantly scoot onto the bed and slide inside the blanket. The bed is big enough so I keep much distance between us before closing my eyes.I'm so tired after the entire day of rush that my eyes feel heavy. Sleep almost emerges when I feel something heavy on my torso. I can barely open my eyes due to exhaustion. However, I can feel a whiff of cosy breath fanning my skin. It's Samuel. He's so damn close right now. I part my eyes open, discovering his face near my chest as he has literally covered the space between us with his giant hand laying over my stomach. My breath hitches as I stare at him sleeping peacefully. It takes me back to the moment when we fell asleep in school. We were locked in the maintenance closet and had to sleep closer to each other. He couldn't keep himself organized while sleeping and his hands and legs kept coming all over me. That was the first time I slept next to a guy, the only time. And crazy enough, it's again him. And maybe, it'll always be him from now. I didn't realise I had been smiling the whole time while staring at him and recalling those days. It doesn't feel bad though. I close my eyes, my exhausted body giving up for the night.* That's a weird sound. I squirm onto the bed half asleep as I hear the sound of something— maybe, breathing. Someone is breathing. Heavily! It takes my brain a while to process after waking up in the middle of the night. Through a thin light of moonlight coming from the window, I can barely see anything. But Samuel is awake. He is seated on the bed, breathing heavily."Samuel!" I call him but he doesn't respond. "Samuel", I call him again, louder this time. He doesn't reply this time either."Can't you sleep?" I ask, confused but soon enough as my vision clears, I realise he's shaking.Alarmed, I get up right away and sit closer to him. His eyes dart aimlessly at nowhere as his breathing gets faster."Sam— Samuel?" my voice comes out terrified as I hold his arm. "What's wrong?""Get back to sleep!" he groans, still huffing. "But what's wrong with you?" I exclaim."Get. Back. To. Sleep. Chrisanna!" His fierce voice makes me shudder from the core as I take my hand off him.I won't deny that it scared the shit out of me. I'm concerned yet scared to ask him anything further. Pushing myself back to the bed, I turn around, drifting to the edge and close my eyes tightly. I don't think I'll be able to sleep properly after this. * I did sleep last night. Thanks to my tired body which dominated my disturbed mind. It's seven in the morning and I'm lying on the bed. Alone. It's been ten minutes since I woke up but Samuel didn't show up. I get to know he has gone somewhere when I check my phone and find a text from him. "Sorry if I scared you last night"My sanity is unable to comprehend anything. It feels like I have known him for so long and I still don't know a single friction of him well.Samuel is like an ocean. No matter how deep I dive into him, I can't get past a point and more than half of him just remains a mystery to me just like the ocean is still the biggest mystery to humankind.Hello, everyone. This month has been a really bad one. After I posted the previous chapter almost 10 days ago, I was doing pretty well. None of my family members nor I have ever suffered from Dengue before which is why I had no idea that after the fever decreases abruptly there is a higher chance to have a very bad fever after a couple of days. I wasn't fully recovered. Had to get admitted in the hospital. I really tried my best to use my free time to write something but it was next to impossible. It's been two days since I have come back home and doing pretty well. But due to a gap in writing, I'm unable to get motivated to write the next chapter. Must be an absurd request but please let me know in the comments how many of you are still with me, waiting for the rest of the chapters, so I can have some boost in motivation and push myself to finally get back on track. Thanks in advance for all the good wishes. Hugs?
ChrisannaYou know what's the worst part of this phase? I know every bit of change happening in my body and my mind but people around me— who love me— are trying their best to hide those changes I may not see but feel. I snuggle into Samuel's arms after breaking the kiss and exhaling deeply as his grip tightens. I feel his heart racing, faster than ever.He thinks I didn't notice anything. But I did feel everything. I felt the sudden change in his voice which he tried to hide. I felt his hands suddenly moving more gently than ever as if he was scared to touch my hair, as if he feared the more he'll mess with them the more they'll come out. He thinks he can prevent them from falling anymore. Maybe. But he can't.I know everything. I feel everything.I feel him. He can't hide. He can't lie. "You're feeling well? We can cancel the date if you want to", he asks me, squeezing my shoulders gently. "No. I wanna go""You sure""Hmm", I lift my head and smile at him. *We spent the rest of
Samuel"I'm sure I was born only to meet her", I say, smiling down, midway through my speech— among the group settling in a circle during the weekly meeting. "Every good thing that happened in my life— all revolved around her. I just don't know how that's possible. I believe that I was born for her. Just to meet her and love her. There's no damn purpose in my life. There haven't been any"My breath hitches as I look around at all the smiling faces."Do I look better to you all? Like better than how I was when I came to the first meeting?" A tinge of anticipation stirs me up. "I just don't want to go back to the worst phase of my life anymore. And I'm so fearful that it would happen if I keep watching her struggling. It's very painful—" I struggle to speak.Strangely, it didn't happen ever since I started coming to the meetings and I always talked fluently.As I struggle to speak, my phone rings. Even though it's not allowed to carry phones while in the meeting, I'm allowed as I discus
ChrisannaIt's like a script they have all memorized. "Line dance", Uncle Colton says, getting up and walking towards the music player. "Darn. I hate it!" Eric snarls. "All dancing like soldiers""It's fun. We do it every time in family gatherings", Judson says, flickering a smile. "Seriously! Are you a 50-year-old in the body of a 17-year-old?" Eric grimaces, making Judson silent."Stop bullying him, Eric", Kylee shoots him a glare."Opposite attracts— shit is real", Charlotte laughs her lungs out, taking sips from her drink."Okay, you all", Uncle Colton turns the music on. "Get into a line"As everyone takes place for a line dance, Samuel helps me to get up."You don't need to match and move that much, okay? Just enjoy", he says. "Don't stress" I nod and notice a few people from the park have also joined. The environment seems to come alive with the rhythm of the dance as I weakly copied Charlotte's steps who is standing before me and briefly look at Samuel beside me. He has a
ChrisannaThe sun-kissed park provides a picturesque setting as the sprawling green meadow unfolds in front of me. Towering trees with long branches surrounding us leaves gently rustling in the soft breeze. The vibrant colours of blooming flowers dot the landscape.I inhale deeply, swallowing the canvas before my eyes. It all seems so new and mesmerising. I haven't inhaled fresh air for months. More than half of the last five months were spent within the four walls of the hospital and I also didn't wanna step out.I miss my old life so much. I look yards away, taking every inch of the view, watching kids playing around, families conversing and groups of friends laughing aloud."It's really hot over here", Samuel comes beside me, blocking the sun rays straight hitting my face as how tall he is. I look up at him and smile, finding Zoey curled around his neck. "I missed this heat""In that case, I think you had enough of it", he slides his hand behind my back and I keep smiling at Zoey
Chrisanna Stage III. As hard as it is to accept, this is the reality. It's been weeks since I've been back to the hospital. Again.And it sucks. I'm going through radiation therapy now. Even though my breasts were removed, cancer spread beyond that area to nearby lymph nodes surrounding tissues, chest walls, and skin.My skin burns, itches, and aches most of the time. I feel tired even pushing my eyelids and sometimes it's even harder to breathe. Although my stitches are gone, leaving those lifelong scars, the soreness and fatigue still wake me up every night. But now I have learned not to cry out. I have learned how to live with this discomfort and pain. Among everything, my life is just standing still. It seems like I'm stuck in a loophole where the world is running at a fast pace and I'm just standing there. I don't feel the same anymore. I'm not the same. The changes haunt me. I find it hard to accept myself. And every time I try to speak my heart out, I can't. They don't