A Lie. A Game

PRESENT

Everything came rushing back to me in a hard wave, and I wish they would not. I wish these memories could be wiped so I could forget everything. I wish I could forget who I am, because right now I feel stupid, naive. I felt like I'd been played again.

I heaved until nothing came out, my body trembling. I felt a hand pulling my hair away from my face, and I almost relaxed. Something almost loosened in my chest. That was until I heard that voice. 

“Are you okay, darling?” 

I jerked away from him like I was struck by lightning, my teeth bared, and my hard eyes fixed on him. I pointed at him, my finger shaking. 

“Don’t. Fucking. Touch. Me.”

He stood frozen, his eyes wide with shock and hurt. 

“You… Siri, lis–” 

He took a step closer, and the look I shot at him had him freezing, the look of pain brighter in his eyes. People were walking past us, some staring, and I could see his friends standing a distance away, but we didn't look away from each other’s eyes. We didn't see the countless others, but the look in our eyes wasn't the look that had been there an hour ago. This one was harsher, painful, devastating.

“Siri,” he whispered, sounding hurt. “Baby, what’s happening?”

“How many?” I asked, my voice harder than it has ever been.

His eyebrows pulled tight. “What?”

“How many fucking girls has it been, Jackson?”

“I–” He ran his hand through his hair, his fingers trembling. “Siri, I–”

“How many, Jackson?!” I screamed, my voice cracking, and he went still. He stared at me, his jaw moving, but no word came out. I scoffed harshly, blinking up at the starless sky to keep the tears in. I looked back at him, shaking my head. “Lost count? Is that what this is? Do you even remember their names? Their faces? What they felt like?”

He took a hesitant step. “That was in–”

“You don’t, do you?” I cut him off, my voice harsh and trembling. “They don’t matter enough for you to remember them, but I'm sure they remember you. Deep down, I know every girl you have fucked and discarded, every one you have hurt and didn’t care about, still remembers you. They might hear your name in passing; they might even see you, and they’ll remember, but you don’t. Will you remember me, Jackson? Seeing as you’ve fucked me more times than I can count, I’m sure you will. But for how long? A year? Two? Until you find the next interesting thing walking around in a skirt?” 

The pain in his eyes, it burned. It burned through his eyes and straight to me, but I refuse to feel that burn. I refuse to be swayed by it. It was a lie. It was all a fucking lie. The same way it had been with that blue-eyed monster. It was a bet, a game.

“This is different, Siri,” he whispered so brokenly that I faltered, taking another step closer to me. “You’re different.”

I tilted my head at him, my voice broken even though my expression was mocking. 

“But how? I have the same pussy, don't I? The same boobs, so how am I different, Jackson?” He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off and just went on, my voice sounding harsher, my pain bleeding through it. “Is it the way I make you smile? Is it how I make you feel like no one has ever done before?”

I shook my head, a harsh laugh bursting out of me, tears slowly dripping out of my eyes. 

“He said the same thing, you know? Michael.” He flinched like I'd struck him, his body shaking. “He said it was my eyes. It was the way I looked at him. It made him feel special. Barely a week after he took my virginity, do you want to know what he did, Jackson? Do you want to finally know why I don't want to be seen with you in public? Why am I so scared of that goddamn name?”

He shook his head. “Siri, you–”

I took two steps closer to him until his scent hit my nose, assailing my senses, and I let it. This would be the last time it would ever do that. This would be the last time I was a fool. The tears were flowing out now, my vision blurry, but I wiped angrily at my eyes because I wanted to see the look on his face as I spat those words. 

“He raped me, Jackson,” I spat, my voice breaking. His body jerked, his eyes wider than I've ever seen them, but I just went on, taking another step closer to him. “But no, he didn’t get his dick wet. He didn't do it himself. He stood there, with a smile and a camera, and let three of his friends rape me.”

The pain and devastation that I saw right there in his eyes mirrored mine. It matched it perfectly. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore, because it was all a lie. 

And I might have fallen deeper in love with him than I ever did for that monster, but no, I was going to walk away. It was all the same thing for these men. They were all the goddamn same, and I was a fool. My God, I was a goddamn fool. 

“He had told me he loved me,” I cried as I looked into those gray eyes that I loved so much that it physically hurt me to be doing this. “He had looked me right in the eyes and said he loved me, and in the end, I was just a bet to him. In the end, I was entertainment.” I pointed to him while he just stood there frozen, tears filling his eyes. “You said you love me, too. You said I complete you in ways no one ever has, and it is. All. A. Lie.”

Right there, as I bled and cursed every being in this universe, it started snowing. It fell around us, pure and beautiful, a harsh contrast to the way we felt right now.

“Men like you don’t just change, Jackson,” I whispered with a voice that kept breaking, that gave away my pain and heartbeat. “You don’t just wake up and stop breaking hearts. And stop seeing girls as playthings.” I shook my head. “I am never going back to that dark place again, all in the name of love. Because of a pretty face and even prettier words. Never, Jackson.” 

I took two steps back from him, my vision of him blurring with my tears, and I didn't bother to wipe it. I didn't bother to see him one last time. I would shatter completely if I did. I would keep playing the fool if I saw the pain in those eyes. 

“So this is goodbye, Jackson,” I whispered as I kept stepping back. 

Through my blurry vision, I saw his hand reach out, like he wanted to hold on to me, but I was too far away, already slipping away, and his legs remained rooted to the ground.

“And I did love you. Maybe for a long while, I'll keep loving you.”