Drowning On Land

The expression that overtook Siri’s face wasn’t one of shock at hearing a name she didn't see coming. The look on her face was pure panic, and there in her gaze was a hint of fear. 

She raised her head slowly, and when her eyes landed on mine, I felt a jolt shoot through me. But it wasn't the jolt that made my chest warm. I had wanted her to look at me, but… but not like this.

“How do you know that name?” she asked softly, her voice suddenly hoarse. 

“Mason told me,” I answered quietly, already knowing I messed up, and this might push her further from me. 

“What–” She cut herself off, taking a deep breath, but it did nothing to calm her shaking fingers. “What else did Mason tell you?”

“Nothing. He said I needed to hear it from you.”

She nodded, wiping her hands on the apron. She looked away from me, inhaling a deep breath through her nose. 

“Good… Good. You’re not going to hear anything from me, Jackson. You can dig into it if you want to, but don’t ever show up in front of me if you do. Now please, step aside. I need to attend to customers.”

I didn't need to be told twice. 

But instead of going to take my usual seat, I left. I couldn't sit there for one second and watch that look in her eyes. My footsteps were fast as I walked without direction.  

I wanted a reaction from her, didn't I? That’s what I wanted, and I got it, but God, I wanted anything but that. I didn't want the first look she gave me in five days to be filled with panic. I didn't want her fingers to shake as she stared at me.

My pace picked up slowly, and soon I was jogging. 

Man, what was wrong with me? Was I only made to ruin things? To be aggressive and short-tempered? 

I started running, my feet hitting the ground hard. My panting filled my ears as I pushed my body and ran faster than I ever had.

Couldn't I hold something fragile without shattering it? Was I made to hurt, and never cherish? Was I more like my father than I thought? 

In the past, I never gave it any thought because my relationships with women were always sexual, and I didn't care about them. So I never thought about whether my attitude was trashy when I was with them. Or if they were comfortable with me. 

He was that way, too. He was incapable of love and softness. His words from five years ago echoed in my head like the curse that they were: “We’re more similar than you think, my boy. You can hate me all you want, but when you look into the mirror, I will be looking back at you. And you will be nothing without me. You need me. Sooner or later, you’ll come to realize that.”

I ran faster, my vision growing blurry, my pulse thundering in my ears, and yet I went on and on. I didn't stop. I couldn't. 

I wasn't like him. I was nothing like my father, and yet… yet some days when I looked in the mirror, he was staring back at me.

I didn't know how long I ran, but my body decided it had had enough, and it just… gave out. 

~.~

SIRI

When I got home that night, I had muttered something to Lilian and my father without looking at them. I didn't even remember what I said; I just know my brain gave the appropriate answer, since they didn't call me back.

I got to my room and took off my clothes with numb fingers, loosening my braid and letting my hair free. Then I moved to the bathroom. I turned on the shower, and didn't wait for the water to heat up before I stepped under it. 

The cold water landed on my skin like needles. I welcomed it. 

I stared blankly at the wall for maybe five minutes, not moving, just blinking the water away from my eyes as it grew warm. 

I sucked in a really deep breath, opened my mouth, and then I screamed. 

It wasn't a loud sound. It wasn’t any sound. 

The smallest sound didn't escape from my lips, but my mouth was wide open; I was bent over until my head touched the wall, and I was screaming without making a sound. I was drowning while on land.

After that, I turned off the shower, brushed my teeth, dried my hair, and climbed into my bed naked. My hands were folded on my stomach as I stared up at the ceiling, blinking slowly. 

At one point, hours later, I fell asleep. 

Morning came, and my brain once again fell into autopilot. 

It knew what to do, what to say, and how to move, and I didn't need to give it any instruction. It was the weekend, meaning no class, but I had asked to work a whole day in the café because I didn't want to be at home, doing nothing and stuck in my head, where there was nothing but chaos. 

Lilian called out to me when I was about to step outside. My brain knew it was meant to stop, so it stopped, and I turned towards her. 

She came outside with me and closed the door. She stood still for a while, and I just stared at her with a blank look. And then slowly, hesitantly, she closed the space between us and drew me into her arms.

My brain… froze. 

It didn't know what to do in a situation like this. We weren't used to situations like this because we weren't used to touch. We weren’t used to warm hugs that felt motherly and smelled of roses, and a faint trace of… him. 

It didn't know what to do when we melted into that touch, and our eyes burned.

So I had to take back control and snap out of autopilot, but still… I didn't know what to do. So I raised my hands slowly and placed them on her back. 

That… was the right thing to do, right? 

It seems it was, because Lilian sighed into my hair and held me tighter. 

“I don't know how hard it must be for you,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. “I don't know what you must be going through right now, and you don’t need to tell me, sweetheart. But… you don’t have to stand here and pretend you’re alright with me.”

My vision grew blurry with tears. 

My arms grew tight around her as I buried my face into her neck, and then I fell apart.