You're Not Real

I looked into the room, at Jacob, who was staring at me as if he'd just seen a ghost, at Toria, who looked a bit guilty, and back to the room again. 

“Oh, thank hallelujah!” Jacob literally cried. “I think I might be going bald from all the hair I've been pulling!” 

“You can curse me later,” Toria said softly. “Pull my hair if you want to—though I can't promise I won't fight back—but please just get your man off the floor before he pukes on my expensive carpet, and I might forget the love I have for him and just dismember him.”

Said man was sitting on the floor, his upper body naked, his eyes half shut, and his face the color of a tomato as he tried to wrestle a bottle of whiskey from a fed-up Jacob. 

“I love him, Siri,” Jacob grumbled, “but I might crack his head op–”

Jackson perked up suddenly, his eyes going wide, and the fog clearing there for a second as his head snapped to the door. When his eyes landed on me, they went even wider. And then he smiled, a smile so wide I could count his teeth, his eyes bright and unfocused. 

“Oh my,” he purred—or tried to—as he staggered to his feet. Or at least tried to. 

He was so drunk out of his mind that he couldn't even raise himself. By the fourth try, he just gave up and went back to the floor with a huff. He kept staring at me with that smile, with those eyes I was sure weren't even seeing me. 

“Look who came to see me. If you had told me you were coming, I would have looked more suitable. Wore a bloody suit maybe.” 

"Good luck with that one, babe,” Toria said, patting my shoulder as she turned to leave. 

Jacob left the room too, and I thought he was just about to walk past with a sentence of encouragement, but instead he came to me and grabbed my shoulders. I jerked, my eyes wide.

“Siri,” he breathed as he stared down at me with his eyes bright with pain. “Siri, fuck, I have never seen him like this before.”

“Get your bloody hands off my woman!” Jackson yelled at Jacob, waving a clenched angry fist at him, and I looked at him with my throat tight, my eyes moving back to Jacob as he went on.

“And that man right there has been through a lot of shit. Things that would break the average mind, but none of those things did this to him. Will a man who doesn't love you act this way? Please, answer me,” he pressed when I remained silent, and I shook my head once, tears filling my eyes. 

“A man who had planned just to use you until he got bored wouldn’t be this miserable. I’m not saying this to butter you up or pressure you. I’m just–Please, help him, Siri.”

He patted my shoulders with both hands and left, closing the door with a soft click behind him. I stood there with tears burning my eyes, staring at Jackson as he pouted. 

“You fool,” I whispered as I dragged my feet to him, my voice trembling, and his eyes followed me. 

I knelt in front of him, my hands reaching out slowly to cup his face. When my palm met his face, his body jolted, the fog lifting for only a second behind his eyes before he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and humming.

“Oh, this feels so real,” he whispered, rubbing his face on my palm, and I fought to keep a sob down.

“That’s because I'm real, stupid,” I said, trying to force light into my voice, but it just came out too thick.

Jackson opened his eyes, looking at me with a smile as he shook his head. “You can’t fool me, darling. The real Siri hates me. I caused her pain, so she hates me. She wouldn't be here. She wouldn't be touching me.” 

I leaned in slowly, resting my forehead on his and looking into his eyes. “I’m real, Jackson.”

“Mhmm,” he said, still looking unconvinced. “Since you’re not real, and this is just an image conjured up by my alcohol influenced mind, I can say whatever I want to you here. I can be honest.”

“Hon–Jackson!” 

He grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him, pressing me completely to his chest, and holding my waist with one hand while the other held my hand. He raised my hand to his lips and pressed a kiss on the inside of my wrist. The excitement in his eyes was dead now, replaced by pain. Thick, unfiltered pain.

“Why would you think for a second that I would ever hurt you?” he whispered, his voice trembling. “Why would you think for even a moment that I would ever get tired of you?”

“Jack–”

“If I could rip open my chest and show you how intense my feelings for you are, I would do so without a thought.”

My lips trembled, and I tried to pull away, to sit up so we could converse properly. “Let me–”

But his arms tightened on me, holding me still. “If I could tie myself to you,” he went on, kissing my wrist again, “and let you drag me everywhere with you, in a second I will.” 

I gave up struggling and just rested against his chest, tears filling my eyes as I stared into his, as I heard and felt the pain in his voice, the honesty. 

“I love you, Siri,” he whispered, his voice cracking on my name, and a shiver shook my body. “Every organ, every cell in this body loves you. My heart is yours till you don’t want it anymore, and even then it shall remain yours.” He pressed his cheek into my palm, closing his eyes. “I shall remain yours.” 

I pressed my forehead into the blade of his shoulder as the tears flowed, and I sobbed quietly. 

It hurts. It really hurts. 

And it hurts in a good way. 

It hurts so good because I could feel his love, taste it, touch it. I could feel the burn of it, the sincerity, and intensity of it. It has always been there, and he never bothered to hide it. I was just too much of a coward to really let myself see it. I was too scared to give in to a love I knew would never hurt me. But no more. God above, no more. 

I was utterly done with my past affecting my present. I was done letting ghosts stir my life while I remained helpless against them. I was done. I was done, and I was going to take back control from everything that had ever taken it from me. 

“I love you, too,” I cried into his chest. “I love you so much, Jackson.”

“See?” he whispered, his thumb on my waist stroking the skin beneath my skirt. “You’re not real. The real Siri will never say that so easily. She would have said something mean while trying to hide her blush.”

And just so quickly, my tears dried up. I rose onto my knees, pushed his arm away from me, and faced him fully. He stared at me with that grin, his eyes still unfocused.

I nodded. “Okay then.”

“Good. Stop trying to–”

His words ended in a choked gasp as I balled my hand into a fist and slammed it into his stomach.