Today's Joy. Tomorrow's Pain

Yeah, fuck Toria and her stupid advice. 

Fuck that happy ending nonsense. 

Sure, I do want a happy ending with him. I want a happy beginning, middle, and ending with Jackson. All of that and more! Damn it, I had even been thinking of the perfect future together with him. Yes—and fuck you—I’ve been thinking of going somewhere with him, getting a house, three dogs, and maybe one cat. We could live like that for a few years, then get married, and decide if we wanted kids. 

I'd already mapped out the perfect future, the perfect ending.

So yeah… Use him? 

USE him? 

How on God’s green earth can I use him when I was in love with him? I was madly in love with that man, and it made me realize that I was never in love with Michael. 

No. No, I was just in love with the attention and the idea of love, the idea that someone finally wants me. But this painful shit with Jackson? This soul-crashing devastation? Yeah, this was love. This was love in its purest, fucked up form.

So how was I going to use him or stay with him until shit hit the fan when, every moment with him, I was thinking about wearing a white dress and walking down the aisle while he waited at the altar, smiling?

And before you say anything, I know. I know how needy and ahead of myself and fairy-tale-like that sounds, so keep your thoughts to yourself, okay? 

“I can literally see the thoughts flying through your head,” Toria muttered as she cracked open another can of beer, her legs crossed on the table. 

Was that the fifth one now? Sixth? And what? I was still on my third can? 

“Good, then you can see how shitty I think your advice is,” I snapped, pushing her legs off the table, and she just sighed.

“Let me ask you this, Siri,” she said as she placed her palms on her knees, leaning in too close to my face. 

She looked into my eyes as she asked, “Isn’t the joy of today worth the pain of tomorrow?”

Everything in me went still. 

I stared at her with my lips parted. This woman just asked me such a damning question with a casual lift of her brow, her tone bored, unaware of how she just flipped shit in my head.

“I–” I started, but words failed me completely. 

Toria used that to her advantage and went on. 

“Maybe you have one month with him. Two. Five. Every morning you can wake up and call him your man. Every night you go to sleep with his arms around you. You kiss him and do whatever the fuck you two freaks do. And then shit hit the fan. But you have so many memories together. So much laughter is stored, and happiness shared, and when your heart is aching, and you feel like the whole world hates you, and you want to go around shooting men in the nut, you have those memories to help you.”

She leaned back on her seat, crossing her legs and placing them on the table again. 

“I say that is a thousand times worth the pain you’ll deal with later. And maybe that tomorrow might never even come. Life is, after all, an unpredictable bitch, but you have today. You have that certainty.”  

I looked down at my hands on my lap as my eyes burned with tears that two months ago I would never let drop in front of a stranger. Or even someone I know. But tonight, they dropped slowly, freely, and I swear, it hurts a little less.

She silently passed a handkerchief to me, not judging, not caring, just… there. And it made me realize that maybe showing weakness in front of others wasn't such a bad thing. Maybe letting them see you were human too isn't a crime.

“And you said you haven't been in love before?” I asked, picking up the soft cloth and wiping my eyes.

She shifted on her seat, a hesitant tone in her voice. “Not a day in my life.”

“I think I might like you a bit, Toria.”

She shrugged. “I have that effect on people.” Her expression grew serious, tight. “And I'm really sorry, Siri. I had no idea those words would do this much damage. I had no idea you were both into each other.”

“It’s okay. You were just looking out for me.”

“But–”

“Cut it out, Toria. I might like you even less now.”

She sighed dramatically. “And this is what I get for being a good person. So whatcha say? Let’s hit the streets. It’s still early.”

I looked away. “I don’t–”

“Okay, good.” She jumped to her feet, clapping once. “Go get dressed. Your hoodie and this place are very depressing.” 

And I thought I was a handful. 

~.~

And so began my tour of Sheffield, and I would rather chew stone than say it to her face, but Toria was a joy to be around. 

She was unapologetically herself, had no desire to be tamed, and cursed like a sailor too. 

As the night went on and I relaxed more and more with her, hearing her crazy stories about all the men she had mingled with, it almost felt like we were… friends. 

Friends… 

I'd never had one of those in my life before. Sad, but true. And I found I really wanted one, and a friend like Toria was exactly what I needed.

“Come on,” she said as she dragged my hand and led me into a taxi. “One more stop before we go back to your depressing hotel.”

“But the sun is almost up!” I protested, but it had no power, and I went along willingly.

Toria gave me a serious look as she said, “Do you have to return to your tower before the sun comes out or you might turn into a troll?”

A laugh burst out of me, sudden and loud. “Girl, go to hell.”

She just smiled at me, wide and genuine. 

The ride to wherever we were going took up to fifteen minutes, and when the taxi stopped in front of a two-story building in a quiet neighborhood, I gave her a look.

“I’m not about to harvest your organs, if that’s what you’re worrying about,” she said as we stepped out.

“Oh, thank you, because I was wondering.”

“It’s a surprise, come.” 

She moved to the front door and entered a code. It buzzed open, and she stepped in, waiting for me to follow. I did so hesitantly, looking around. Warm lights cast a soft glow over the place. The house looked clean, warm, with everything that makes a home.

Was this her house? But then I heard a voice that made me go still. 

“... right the fuck now!”

Jacob? 

“Sheesh,” Toria shuddered as she kept walking towards the voice, towards a very pissed-sounding Jacob, and I followed, my heartbeat picking up. 

She opened the door to a room, not stepping in, and just waited, hands on her hips and all. 

And when I looked inside, I froze, my eyes wide.