2

2

ROSE

My heart thumped against my chest, as I got up from bed, and made my way to the bathroom.

Taking my time to shower, exfoliate, brush my hair, and moisturize.

I made my way to my closet, picking out Alejandro’s favourite outfit that he loved seeing me in.

A long, black, V-neck, backless maxi dress that enunciated my curves.

The dress I wore on our second anniversary.

I swiped my face with honey-coloured foundation and concealer, and put on some lipstick and jewellery.

And then I took a deep breath out…

As I stared at my reflection.

“My name is Rose Rodriguez. I’m thirty-five years old. I’m an accountant, living in Spain. I live alone, in solitude. And today…”

I swallowed down a lump in my throat.

“I’m going to say goodbye to my ex-husband.”

3

ROSE

I dusted myself off, before making my way out of my apartment. I dialled into my mobile phone keypad to call a cab, sweating profusely the entire time.

“Where to, Miss?” the cab driver asked, as he pulled up to the curb.

I did my best to remain brave and strong, calm and collected, even though inside, my heart was in my throat the entire time.

“To the cemetery,” I swallowed.

“You got it.”

***

It wasn’t long before the cab driver set off…

Picking up speed with each passing second.

Twenty miles per hour…

Thirty miles per hour…

Forty miles per hour…

I stared out of the window, as my thoughts began hounding me in my head.

Knowing that I needed to do this.

I couldn’t keep living like this.

Hating myself…

Despising myself for what happened to Alejandro that night.

I needed to accept things for how they were.

I needed to move on.

I just hoped that Alejandro would have it in his heart to forgive me…

If he was out there, watching over me in heaven, watching over me in limbo…

Wherever he was.

4

ROSE

I stepped out of the cab, and it drove away.

Taking a deep breath in, and a deep breath out, a deep breath in, and a deep breath out…

I made my way to the grave of Alejandro Rodriguez.

I could feel my eyes well with tears as I knelt down next to his grave.

Looking up at the headstone, the flowers scattered around it.

The lettering on the tombstone read:

“Alejandro Rodriguez. Husband, worker, friend. Gone but never forgotten. Forever in our hearts.”

Silent tears rolled down my cheeks, as my heart twisted into knots. I finally plucked up the courage to speak.

“Hi Alejandro,” I swallowed, my fingers tracing against the lettering. “I miss you so much. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone where I haven’t thought about you. You’re all that’s on my mind, every second, every hour. Even though it’s been years since you left me, left this world. It doesn’t change the way I felt about you.”

I trailed off my sentence, heaving my chest.

“I’ve tried so hard to come to terms with what’s happened. I’ve tried so hard to avenge your death. You would probably be rolling in your grave right now if you knew that I haven’t gotten anywhere with it.

“I tried so hard, and I wish you could see how hard I’ve tried. How much I chased up the cops to keep pursuing the case. To keep going with it, despite how many times they tried to close it. How much I dug CCTV, articles, newspapers. How much I scorched. But I got nowhere. It always led to a dead trail. And it kills me that I couldn’t find the thugs responsible for this.

“I’ve been beating myself up about this for so long. For so many years. Feeling responsible for your death. Punishing myself for not finding the culprits. Feeling like I’ve failed you. Feeling like I haven’t brought you to justice. And I can’t keep living like this. It’s no life for me to live.

“It’s got to the point that I can’t even look at myself or recognise myself in the mirror anymore. It’s got to the point that I despise myself, hate myself, blaming myself for everything that’s happened in this fucked-up life I’ve lived. And honestly, Alejandro… It feels like I’m losing myself in the process.

“There’s so much I want to say to you. And I’m going to lay out all my cards on the table now. Because in all honesty, this has been eating me alive. I don’t know if you’re out there, watching over me, whether you’re in heaven, whether you’re in limbo. If only you could see how much this has damaged me, how much my heart is broken beyond repair.

“I need to move on, Alejandro. And it’s not because I don’t love you. A part of me will always love you. We shared so many memories together. We saw so many sights together. We had so many good times. When we went on dates, to restaurants, to pubs, to clubs, to the beach, swimming, all those exotic holidays.

“And then we’d go home and curl up in bed, and you would have your arms around me, telling me how much you loved me, telling me how much I meant to you. Kissing my forehead, giving me reassurance, telling me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. And our future… It was robbed from us. Time was cut so short for us.

“You were a good man, baby. And God will appreciate that. He’ll forgive you for anything wrong that you’ve done, and you’ll be in a better place right now. You’re better off in heaven than living in this cruel, fucked-up world. You were a hard-working man, so charming, so sweet, so charismatic. You were gorgeous, with your tanned skin, your black hair, your rugged beard, your chiselled, defined body. And it’s not your fault that you were killed by thugs, by scum that don’t deserve to be here. I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss your laugh, all the conversations we had. I miss everything.

“But I know that it’s time for me to move on. I can’t dwell on the past forever. It’s been years now. Years of me being heartbroken, miserable, depressed. Unable to even bring myself to look at another man, unable to even bring myself to socialise with other people without feeling like I was going to break down into tears. I’ve dedicated my life to seeking vengeance for you… But I know now that that’s no longer an option. I can’t keep pursuing dead trails.

“I hope you know that I did my best. And I hope that you don’t hate me for saying all this. Because as much as I loved you, Alejandro, I need to learn to love again. I want to learn to be happy again. I’m tired of being so miserable all the time, I’m tired of dwelling on what I can’t change. I know that this is the first stage of acceptance. Accepting that it doesn’t matter what I do, what I say… It’s not going to bring you back. It’s not going to bring you back to me.”

I could feel myself quivering, my body trembling and convulsing into a frenzy, as I felt all of my emotions pour out of me, my raw heart out on the surface. I shakily pressed my lips against Alejandro’s tombstone, knowing that it was the end.

“I’ll always love you, Alejandro. I loved you ever since I first laid eyes on you. Ever since we met, ever since you made me your girlfriend, and then later proposed to me and made me your wife. But if you love me as much as I love you… I need you to free me. I need you to set me free from the chains and shackles of my life. So this will be the last time you see me. I needed closure…

“Goodbye, Alejandro. Gone… But never forgotten. And I hope that when God decides that it’s my time too, that it’s my turn to die… That I see you again one day in the afterlife. I love you.”

And with that, I shakily got to my feet, trembling, and began making my way out of the graveyard.

No turning back…

Not wanting to turn back.

It felt like a massive weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

A massive burden gone.

I’d got the closure I’d so desperately needed.

I’d said all of the things I needed to say.

And it was now, that I knew…

I knew I would be alright without him.

Because I’d finally accepted things for how they were, and learnt that pain and constantly emotionally torturing myself wasn’t the solution to moving forward.