Fear

That’s just one of the years in my life where suffering seems to be just a typical state for me.

I can’t help but to recall my last birthday. Looking at the scars on my arms brought me back to these painful happenings. Now, with the same date and new year, I look back and find myself so weak and pitiful.

I cried, but no one seemed to hear me. I've been crying all my life, but no one wants to help me. And with all those painful events that had happened, the only thing on my mind was that I was the only one capable of helping myself. Like in the books with the princess who waits for their kryptonite, I wouldn’t do that. I am my own hero. If no one can help me then I’ll stand for myself. I’ll do whatever it takes to save myself from drowning.

I stared at my father, who was drunk and lying on the bed. If last year he hadn’t let me out, now he can’t do anything because with the amount of alcohol he drank, he definitely wouldn’t know I was leaving.

Wearing a simple shirt and jeans, I came out of our house. The sun rays touched my face, and the breeze of the cold air served as medicine to my long wounded heart.

For some, this might have been just another day, but for me, this day is different. Like a wind that’s not noticeable but exists. Like a ray of sunlight that’s always been there. I am here.

It’s been a  few months since I came out again, and some changes are noticeable. I glanced at the busy road. I was like a stray fish in a vast ocean.

I waited for this day to come, so I  planned for weeks what to do just to make this day worth it. I made sure that father would drown in liquor so that he would be asleep the whole time I was out.

Every step I’m making is like a free gesture. I’m confined to a few corners of our house, so I feel like every step I take is rewarded. My heart is so full seeing the cars and all the vendors on the side of the streets. They are all busy doing their thing, something that I’ve been robbed of for my whole life.

“Aww!” I groaned in slight pain when someone bumped into me.

"Sorry." The deep voice uttered. I didn’t see that person's face.

I quickly passed the man and bowed a little. I fixed my cap so that no one would notice me. My chest throbbed fast; my steps also slowed slightly.

Damn. I momentarily lost myself. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be distracted like that.

I'm still overwhelmed with fear. I had a strange courage to escape my father today, but that courage wasn't enough to have a walk outside. The authorities could see me. If that happens, I will never be free for the rest of my life. And the incarceration also meant the loss of the possibility of me seeing the mother.

I arrived immediately at my destination for the day, the chime on the door rang as I opened it. I thought there would be a change, but this place is still the same.

"Good afternoon, Lulu." I greeted.

I saw her eyes squint because of slight confusion. She seemed to be staring intently at who I was. I smiled lightly at her while removing the cap from my head. When she finally realizes who I am, her eyes go wide and let go of the books she’s holding.

“Jesus! Is that you, Emma? ”

I chuckled lightly.

She came into me while still looking so shocked. I nodded at her. Her wrinkles became more visible, and she became more mature-looking.

"What took you so long?" The weariness in her voice is evident.

I averted my gaze and continued inside. I smiled and wandered around.

"Long story short, Lulu."

I sniffed and shut my eyes for seconds. I missed this. The books, the place - all of it.

"No, tell me, what happened this time?"

I stared at her eyes. The concern was obvious in her eyes. While my expression is still the same. I have long accepted that this is human nature. People have emotions, sadness, joy, anger, disgust, and many more. But all those emotions are still a puzzle to me.

“I’m okay, Lulu. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine and still breathing.”

Her lips parted, like she still had something to say, but decided to not just speak up.

Lulu is dear to me, apart from my father; she is the only one I know. She’s the owner of this place. This library has been my escape ever since. She already knew me the few times I went here. Even though I don't go here often, every visit always leaves a mark. She knows some things about me, like I’m being abused by my father and all that. But more than that, nothing more.

"Are you sure you don't want to tell me, Emma?" She asked me after an hour.

She gave me a hot chocolate drink. The amusement in my eyes is evident as I look at the simple hot chocolate drink. My heart is warmed with that cup of drink. These little things are big things to me; receiving hot chocolate today is big things to me.

”How did you come here? Did you run away from your dad again? ”

I looked at her. Exhaled a deep breath before showing surrender. She’s probably thinking that I’m not open to any conversation with her. She knew I wouldn’t give him any information no matter what he asked.

”Emma, you know I’m always willing to extend my help to you, right? Just tell me and you can easily get rid of your dad. I'm sure you won't be imprisoned, as long as he is— ”

"I'm planning my escape, Lulu."

I cut her words with a monotone voice. I smiled as I held the warm cup of hot chocolate. I heard her sigh slightly. I understand her shock. She knew how scared I was to run away from my father. She knew the consequences of everything in case I ever made the escape. And to hear that word in me was really shocking. 

"Y-you're planning to escape?" she stuttered.

I nodded and smiled.

"If I were to run away, wouldn't it be better?" I smiled.

Her brows furrowed.

"If he is imprisoned, I can still not accept it.  He is still my father, Lulu. ” I said.

She sighed hard. She’s worried, she’s having second thoughts about my plans.

I never heard anything from her about my condition, and that was a big deal for me. That crack of respect is so important to me, that personal space that no one had given me since then.

"Will you come back again, Emma?" She asked after I said goodbye.

Three hours have passed and I'm sure if I stay longer dad will wake up. I stared at her deeply. I didn't know what to say to her. But her motherly worried face is sending me guilt.

“I will try." I answered.

She sighed and fixed the scarf on my neck.

"Be careful, Emma." Her voice cracked.

I walk home thinking about Lulu. Why? She is not my blood relative, nor does she know me well enough to worry about me like that. I don’t understand her.

And then after a while, I realized. When you’re finally being treated well, you’ll question that kindness because you don’t know if you deserve it, because you’ve never felt that way before. You’ll question the things that you deserve.

Holding the single book in my hand, I glanced at the car outside our house. My breath hitched. It wasn’t fear I felt. I had long since forgotten that feeling. It’s just that I felt weird seeing that car in front of our house.

As soon as I entered the gate of our house, I could clearly see my father's troubled disposition. He’s walking back and forth in front of the man, and when I saw him his eyes lit up. I hugged the book in my chest as I stared at the man sitting on the wooden chair.

“Emma! Finally, my daughter is here, Mr. Anderson. ” My father spoke in relief.

Once again, I felt a strange fear. Fear that I hadn't felt for a long time now.