3

It’s raining marshmallows. They’re just falling from the sky; pink, yellow, white and green.

Okay, Mike is just emptying the contents of the candy packet onto the grass above our heads. Vicky squeals and shrieks, a mixture of grief and anger on her face. She had brought a candy pack from home, and Mike, who is against any sort of junkies, just spilled out its contents. 

“You…you imbecile! Wicked, cruel, monstrous, candy-throwing--” Vicky doesn’t usually get angry or insult someone, so this is humourous. 

“Hey, hey. I’m just watching out for your health, unlike the redhead here who claims to be one of your best friends. You should be grateful.” I smack his hand. 

“How can you be so heartless?” Vicky pouts. 

“Candy doesn’t work for Mike Andrews.” He says smugly. 

“Didn’t you love it as a child?”

“Never had any.”

“Never had any what? Candy or child--”

“Candy! Gosh, Vicky! You think I’d have children?”

“Well, you must have had one hell of a childhood.” 

“Which would explain why…” 

I tune out of their conversation and look around me. It's lunch time on a Monday and we're all seated in the quad. Mia is in the library; she's really worked up about the literature test.  Too bad I have a natural talent for it; I feel my face form an expression of smugness and I quickly compose it.

Cammy had gone to the BBQ night and returned home past midnight. She got her share of scolding, but apparently that hasn’t done any good because she overslept and didn’t turn up to school. I didn’t go. I was firm in those matters, plus I have my English assignment to complete. Being a straight-A student usually means that you have to make tiny sacrifices like these but it is definitely worth it.

The bell rings, and I stand up, a huge smile pasted on my face. Literature! I almost bounce with joy on my way to class, when I knock into someone. “Oofff!” I exclaim. It feels like I’ve lost my breath for that split second. Strong arms suddenly grip my shoulders and make me steady but my books don’t have time to be saved. 

“Sorry. So, so sorry. I was in a hurry and I didn’t see you.” A husky yet musical voice says. Hey, I know that voice. Nigel. Nigel Vaughn, aka the guy Cammy has been crushing on since year six. She told me so. Nigel was not exactly a friend, but more of a person I see a lot during school…an everyday person. 

“It’s okay”, I say. I wonder why he doesn’t make a move to help me gather my books but that is when I notice that Adam is behind me, and I see my books in his hands. I feel slightly uncomfortable as Adam is one of the guys that have asked me out and just like those other guys, been turned down. From what I’ve heard and the way he acts, he still has feelings for me. I give him a tiny smile and take my books from him. “Thank you.” 

I walk away as fast as I can but he follows me. “Hey Irene…I, uhh, I was wondering...”

“Yeah?” I ask, wanting to get away so badly. 

“Oh, nothing. Just wanted to know if you’d like me to escort you to class.” His cheeks become slightly pink and that makes me feel sorry for him so I give in. 

“Yeah, sure.” I say with a big smile, “That would be nice.” I don’t know if my attempt to get away earlier was obvious because I just left Nigel there. I turn around, and he’s not to be seen. But what do you do in situations like that? He apologised and I said it's okay. That’s all, right? God, I’m so bad with communication skills. 

We reach my class and he lingers around, making me extremely uncomfortable.

“Umm, Adam? Is there something else?” 

“What- no, no. I…I, uhh, nothing. You, umm, you…you look pretty today. I mean, not just today- you look pretty every single day but I just, uhh, bye.” And then he’s gone. Uhh, thank you? I shake my head and walk into class, taking my usual seat next to Mia. 

“Hey.” 

“What were you doing with Adam?” she inquires, an expression of curiosity on her face.

“He wanted to escort me to class.” I say matter-of-factly. 

Her brows draw together and she turns away but the troubled look is still there. And then I remember Saturday, when she’d told me she’d tell me something later. 

“Saturday. You wanted to tell me something, remember?”

“Yeah, later.”

“That’s what you said before too.”

“Later, Irene, okay? I want to concentrate.”

“Get a grip, its literature. It’s one of your best subjects; I don’t see why you’re getting all worked up unnecessarily.” 

“What’s with the tone?” her brows are drawn together once again.

“What tone? I’m just saying. You’ll do fine.”

She sighs and then leans back on her chair. “I’m just…”

“What?” I try to soften my tone.

“Don’t you think it’s time you moved on? I mean, you’re putting your life on hold for him so that he can figure out what he wants and… what if it turns out bad? If he says he doesn’t really want it at the end? All this time you’re waiting for him… won’t it be for nothing?” her eyes are earnest, and concerned.

She’s referring to him- Connor. 

But me- I’m angry. How can she just bluntly ask me that? “Wow, thanks… a lot.”

“Irene, I-“

“It’ll be worth it, okay? Every minute of it. Great things don’t just happen. They take time; this will take time.”

“Two years?”

“Two, three…doesn’t matter.”

“But you’re not thinking of the alternative! Don’t you see that? You’re so wrapped up in your bubble that you just can’t see anything other than what you want to happen-”

“Where’s all this coming from?” I whisper in anger and shock. 

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Huh, nothing new there.”

“Irene. It’s stupid. I know you must feel pretty strongly…but, is he really worth all the time?”

“Yes.”

“You’re just being stubborn. Take a whole minute and think properly.”

“There’s nothing to think about.”

She sighs deeply and then has this sad look in her eyes. “Sometimes, I wish you’d just believe that I want what’s best for you.”

“Then just let me live my life; my way.” That makes her flinch and I mentally scold myself. What’s wrong with me? She’s the last person I would want to use that harsh tone on. But I don’t need people telling me that they want what’s best for me. It’s all bullshit. No matter how much they show they care or you think you love them, no one really has your best interests at their heart. It’s a lesson I picked up during the last almost-sixteen years of my life.

***

School’s over and I’m just waiting for Vicky to grab her things from the locker. I didn’t see Mia after our little chitchat and that’s okay with me… for now. 

“Alright, let’s go.” She says with a huge smile on her face. How can she always be so happy? I’m not jealous, no, but it never fails to amuse me that she’s such a carefree person. And I really hope she remains like that forever, seeing her upset is not going to be a very heart-warming sight. 

“Where’s Mia?”

“Umm, we had a little argument maybe.” I shrug.

“Oh, why?”

“I don’t think she really likes me being…well, whatever I am being over Connor.”

“Aah, don’t mind her. Now smile! You’re a princess, and princesses don’t frown”, she says pinching my cheeks. I smile at that. My group of friends always complains about how I always behave so well around public, parents and wherever necessary when they just behaved like… well, teenagers. They tell me I behave like a ‘lady’ or a ‘princess’. And I can’t help but feel smug about it.

“And what about you? You don’t think what I’m doing is right?”

“You look happy whenever you see him, so I’m okay with it”, she says grinning. “But if he hurts you in anyway, someone’s going to have serious physical damage done to him.” I burst out laughing at that. It is so funny to see her all determined and fierce.

“Gosh, you’re so cute.” I slap both her cheeks together and pull her into a hug.

“Mmmphh…” I think she’s trying to say something but I’m just hugging her too tight. I pull away and flash a big grin.

“Irene!”

Both of us turn around to see Nigel running towards us. Vicky and I look at each other with curious expressions and then back at him. 

“Here”, he says, trying to catch his breath. Seeing what’s in his hand, I gasp and snatch it away from him with unnecessary force- I mean, he was already handing it over to me, so I didn't necessarily have to snatch it -- but it’s my diary. 

He looks taken aback by my reaction and I feel guilty suddenly. “I’m sorry. I really, really am. It’s just…”

“It’s okay”, he says, flashing a warm smile, and then it fades, “But I didn’t read it.” And I know he’s telling the truth.

“I know.” I say reassuringly. 

He chuckles softly as he looks at my hands. I look too, and notice that I’m clutching the precious book as if my life depended on it. Well, that’s close to the truth. I wouldn’t for the life of me have anyone read this book. It has too much insight of who I really am; holds the emotions that are buried too deep within me to recover again. To recover that, to bring it back to life- would take a miracle. One day, I hope I’m going to come out through my shell, this wall that I’ve built around me, and I’d like Connor to be there- to be a part of my awakening. That makes me smile and I don’t know what my smile says because Vicky suddenly says something that she shouldn’t when there’s a third person here.

“Thinking about Connor? Your whole face says it. Aah, there! You look like a tomato now.” She begins to giggle and I curse my cheeks. Nigel is scratching the back of his neck, obviously uncomfortable and I want to go crawl under a rock. Vicky, I mentally groan. 

“Uhh, just in case you were wondering…the diary dropped onto the floor when I bumped into you earlier. Adam missed it when he was gathering your things.” 

“I figured”, I reply, grateful for the subject change. “Thanks again.”

“No problem”, he smiles warmly and heads out of school.

I turn around to see that Vicky is still giggling and I shoot her an annoyed look. 

“Sorry! Sorry! I wasn’t thinking.” I smack her arm playfully to show her she’s forgiven but the annoyance returns as soon as she opens her mouth again. “But you should have seen your cheeks! Oh my god! Irene! They were literally pinkish-red!”

“Okay, Vicky. Shush now.” But I can’t stop the smile from forming on my face. Just a mention of him- that’s all it takes to make me smile like crazy. Sigh. Is this what it’s like to feel lightheaded? I don’t know, but one thing I do know is that I’m not giving up on him. Mia’s wrong, she’ll see. No matter how much time it takes, no matter how long I will have to wait. He is it for me