Chapter two

   I wasn't sure when I had fallen asleep. I just remember feeling so heart broken and tired from crying. Teighlor was rubbing my back in small circles.I knew my back was tense for so many reasons but it was comforting. It almost made me think that she knew what I had seen. I doubted that though. Even if she had an idea of what I had seen I really didn't want to talk about it. The thought of it all formed a lump in my throat and made me want to start crying all over again. I had to be strong though, at least for her. I didn't want her knowing just how broken I really was over seeing Mark with another woman.I rolled over and put my head on her lap. She looked sad, was it for me or because of something else? 

    "I take it you skipped classes because you found out about Mark and Carmen?" So Carmen was my replacements name. She looked prettier than me and her name sounded prettier than mine. It was no wonder as to why he had already moved on.

     "Yeah" I said in a whisper.Teighlor pet my head like she always did when she knew I was depressed. My hair must of been a mess because a few times her fingers got caught in knots causing me to wince a little.

    "I'm sorry I didn't tell you Letty. I was hoping it would be a while before you found out. I just wanted you to feel ok before I told you. You know I would never lie to you but I just saw how broken you've been over this breakup I didn't want you to break even more." I wasn't mad at her, how could I be? She always had my best interest at heart.

     "How long?" I managed to whisper again after a few moments of silence. It hurt to talk.

    "How long have they been a thing or how long have I known?" She asked rubbing my back again.

      "Both." I whispered. Did I really want to know? Was I really prepared for that? No, I wasn't but I needed to know. I needed to know if I meant anything at all to him or if I was right to asume that I didn't. I wasn't sure why I wanted to know that but inside I felt like it was important for me to know.

    "He started dating her the day you guys broke up. He had been cheating on you with her for at least a month. I found out last week." That explained a lot about this last breakup actually. That also explained why Teighlor had come back looking like she was going to kill someone last tuesday.

    "Oh." I felt tears stinging in my eyes again and before I could hold them back I started to cry again. How much more could he hurt me? Of course he hadn't been loyal to me. How could I have not seen it? Goddess I was an idiot.

    "Oh Letty I'm so sorry I should have told you sooner. No honey please don't cry over him he's a douche bag and you deserve so much better." I know she whole heartedly believed that, but I didn't. I must of been an ass hole in my past life or something to have deserved this. At least that's what I believed. Mark was right about me, or at least that's what I told myself.

     I continued to cry and lay on my best friends lap for what seemed like forever until Amber and Samantha came in and sat with me too. I just listened as Teighlor updated them on the situation with Mark. I felt so weak and pathetic at that moment to rely on them so much, yet alone run to them about my problems. I wanted to be strong for them, I wanted to be ok for them, but I couldn't. I felt like something in me had finally shattered and try as I might to tape the pieces together I couldn't.

     "My sorority is having a party tomorrow night. I know parties aren't really your thing but I think it would be good if we all went together " Sam said gently resting her hand on my shoulder. Maybe she was right. If her, Teighlor and Amber would be there with me it could actually be somewhat fun I guess. I knew they were trying to make me feel better and trying to help me forget about Mark. I just wasn't sure if I could deal with people. Would I even be alright enough for that? Could I stop wallowing in my misery long enough?

    "Maybe." Was all I could say after a few minuets.

    "We'll decide tomorrow ok sis?" Teighlor said rubbing my back some more. I just nodded. I felt so useless just laying there. I couldn't help it though I felt so numb inside. At least the tears and the constant stream of snot had stopped. I felt bad for Teighlor, she was gonna have to change soon.

    "Well ladies it is Friday night and the pizza should be here soon so how about we go set up in the living room and Letty how about you pick the movie." Amber said trying to change the subject. I just shook my head.

    "You guys go ahead, I just wanna stay here." I felt like I was going to cry again. How did I have so many tears to shed over my ex?

     "Nope I'm drawing the line right here. I know you're upset Letty but Mark was garbage. We all hated him, we only tolerated him because we saw how you looked at him and how much you loved him. No man like that deserves you. You deserve a man who's gonna treat you like a queen not a doormat." I shook my head at Ambers words. If they could see whatever side of me it was that Mark had seen that made him so heartless to me I was almost certain their minds would change.

    "Oh God you don't actually believe what he said about you do you?" Sam asked sounding concerned. I just nodded. I was so tired of fighting. I was tired of pretending I was ok because the truth is I'm not. I just was tired of being strong, I didn't feel like pretending anymore. I felt Sam and Amber put their heads on my back.

     "Letty that's not true. You're kind hearted, funny, smart, beautiful, strong and just down right amazing. That dick head can't tell his ass hole from his mouth so don't you dare believe a thing he said." Teighlor said petting my head again. 

    I felt a small smile creep up  onto my face. My friends were amazing. I was so grateful for all of them. They were right though I shouldn't be letting Mark effect me this way still, so why was I? I needed to stop it. There were other men out there who would treat me considerably better just like Amber said I deserved. Truth was I wasn't so certain I did deserve it though. I had driven away Mark so many times, well at least according to him. Many of those times right into the arms of another woman. So who was to say I deserved better because I'm not so sure I do. I'm not so sure if I deserve to be loved. Goddess I must of been a shitty person in a past life or something to have deserved this fate. But of course this was something I couldn't tell my friends because I knew they wouldn't understand.

     "Now either get your ass up willingly or we are going to drag you out of here by force and don't think we won't. You are going to pick a great movie like you always do, we are going to pig out on Pizza and drink a couple mixed drinks until we pass out do I make myself clear?" I knew Teighlor was joking but I did know that these three ladies would do everything and anything they could for me just as I would for them. We were like a small little family. A very dysfunctional family sure but I loved that about them.

    "Ok ok I surrender." I said finally smiling. Amber and Sam got off of me and walked out of the room to put on their pjs. Every Friday night for the past two years we would order pizza, watch horror movies, have a couple of drinks and talk about our week while wearing pjs. We had been in middle school when Sam invited us over for our very first Friday night slumber party. It became a weekly tradition for all of us so it was normal for us to be like this. Just once we were in college we changed it up a bit since we all lived in a dorm together so it technically wasn't a slumber party anymore.

    I felt Teighlor get off my bed so she could change and I decided to go and at least clean my face and drag a brush through my hair again. I looked in the bathroom mirror and almost laughed at how awful I looked. My hair was tangled in every possible spot it could be and my cheeks were tear stained. My eyes were puffy and red but I expected that. I sprayed detangler in my hair but it didn't do much.

    Within twenty minuets Teighlor and I were sitting in the living room browsing  the horror movies on xfinitys on demand. Amber and Samantha were in the kitchen making mixed drinks. Both of them were really good at it and on more then one occasion I had mentioned they should work in a bar. They're drinks were strong but some how never tasted of alcohol. Teighlor answered the door when the pizza arrived and I just tried to stay hyper focused on finding a good movie. I decided we would watch the Howling series tonight since I knew no one but me had seen it. Once every one was situated and we all had several mixed drinks sitting in front of each of us we started the movie. Amber and Sam always over did it. Tonight I was grateful for it though, I just didn't want to feel anymore. I did notice however there were more cups than usual, my guess was they understood I wasn't ok and hoped the alcohol would somehow help me be ok.

    By the time we made it to The Howling part three Sam and Amber were passed out drunk. Teighlor was fighting hard to stay awake with me but was slowly loosing. The alcohol wasn't doing anything. I was drunk without a doubt but I felt so depressed. When Teighlor finally passed out a quarter of the way into the movie I was fighting the urge to cry. Without thinking I got up and walked into the bathroom Teighlor and I shared. I picked my shaving razor up. It had been so long but I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to stop feeling. I wanted to stop feeling for him. 

    I sucked in a quick breath as I dragged the razor across my upper right thigh, it stung like hell but felt so good. I moved a few centimeters beneath and did it again. Why did I always try so hard to be perfect for someone? I hated everything about myself. How I looked, how I sounded, everything. I hated my stupid black hair and my blue eyes. I hated my broad shoulders and pale white skin. I hated my long eyelashes. I hated my tits and my thighs. I hated that I wasn't thin like the girls Mark always chose over me were. I hated everything about me. Why couldn't I be better? Why couldn't I be prettier? Why couldn't Mark have chosen to stay with me? Why couldn't I be normal and pretty like Teighlor? Why couldn't I be thin and blonde haired like Sam? Why? Why was I such a disappointment to everyone I loved?

    A pair of arms enveloped me in a hug and that's when I realized I was sitting on the floor crying. I felt light headed and confused. I didn't want to see who it was I knew I was a screw up  and I knew they would see that too when they saw what I had done. What I had done. Shit. 

   I looked down at my right thigh, there was so much blood. What had I done? I hadn't cut in years. I had promised Teighlor I would stop. Fuck. The minuet I thought of my best friend that's when I realized who was holding me. The smell of her perfume hit me. Why was I so pathetic? I had just let my best friend down.

    Teighlor took my shaving razor from me and started to wash my leg with a black wash cloth. At least she knew to use a dark colored cloth. This wasn't the first time she had found me like this. The last time she did was when I promised her I would stop. She was probably so angry with me. Honestly I wouldn't blame her if she was, I had never broken a promise to her.

    "Seven." She mumbled wrapping my leg. "Seven cuts Letty." One for every year wasted I thought to myself. I couldn't say anything though. I felt numb finally. Between the alcohol and cutting I finally felt ok. I knew she wouldn't understand though if I tried to explain. It was hard for someone who had never self harmed to understand the feeling. It was hard to explain how it made me feel better when even I didn't completely understand it.I looked up at her. She looked so sad, like she wanted to cry. Great just more proof that I was a no good fuck up. I looked back down at the floor. 

    "Ty...." A lump developed in my throat again and I couldn't speak.

     "I'm not mad Letty. I just hate Mark even more. You must be suffering pretty badly to have done this. That and I'm sure the alcohol is clouding your judgment. I just wish you would let your wall down and stop being the strong one for once. I know you bottle stuff up and I know you put on a brave face for all of us because you don't want to be a burden. We all just wish you wouldn't because we don't see you as a burden. You're basically my sister Letty, you're always there to shower all of us with love and support. You always put everyone else before your self, this one time put yourself first so we can help you heal."

    "I'm sorry." I managed to finally whisper. Teighlor shook her head. 

    "It's not your fault. Mark has gotten you all kinds of fucked up in the head and we don't blame you. Just know we love you and are always here for you. I am always here for you. That being said I promise to keep this between us if you promise to be more open with me about when you feel like this again." I nodded. She stood up and I did too and pulled down my pj shorts so they would cover the marks. Great fresh scars for summer. No bathing suits for me this year I guess.

    Teighlor and I sat on the couch together and I leaned on her shoulder. She said I was strong but I wasn't. I really was weak. I had let some guy drive me so far down that I broke my promise to my best friend. I was weak for feeling so upset over the fact that I really meant nothing to him if he could so easily cheat on me and get with someone else the same day he left me. I was weak for letting him always sweet talk his way back into my life. I was weak for always believing his lies. I was just weak. I started to feel tired and I could hear my best friend snoring. It had been a long day. I closed my eyes and prayed silently for good dreams.

    I woke to the smell of bacon and the sound of Amber and Samantha laughing. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I felt super sore and stiff. The clock on the wall said it was one. I had closed my eyes around three though. I must have slept pretty much the whole day. I looked over to where Teighlor had been sitting when I fell asleep, she was still out cold. I silently stood and headed into the kitchen to see what Sam and Amber were up to.

     "Hey girl." Sam said handing me a cup of orange juice.

     "Good afternoon. What time did you guys get up?" 

    "About twenty minutes ago. That was a cool movie last night btw. What made you choose that?" Amber said flipping the bacon.

     "It was a movie I watched with my dad when I was younger. I know the werewolves look kinda cheesy compared to like modern movie werewolves but I love the story lines " They both nodded in agreement.

     "Any thoughts about the party tonight?" I could tell Sam didn't want to press it but I knew she really wanted to go. 

     "What could go wrong? You're right maybe it's the kind of thing I need right now. But I am not looking any way that I wouldn't normally dress got it?" She smiled and nodded. Honestly she was always so bubbly and eager to plan stuff with all of us.

    "Deal under one condition." She said pointing a piece of bacon at me.

     "Oh what's that?" Amber placed a plate of bacon and pancakes on the table for me and motioned for me to sit.

    "You let Amber and I do your hair and makeup. I promise it will not be anything you wouldn't wear and it won't be anything like super extreme and no glitter." I thought about it for a second but I remembered what I had done last night and felt guilty.

     "Deal." I said taking a bite of Bacon.