I AM A MURDERER

Camille's POV

I am beginning to feel like a widow...

It has been more than a month since that fateful day that turned my life around for the worst, a month of self loathing and waning hope, but nothing has changed but a few bandages that had been unwrapped from James' body.

I was alone in my misery, James' mom had only showed up a couple of times and finally told me two weeks ago about her paid trip to the Maldives on vacation,

But I knew better, she was seeing a new man – an Arabian in the oil business – who was spoiling her crazy.

How I wish she understands how much I do not care about what she does. For the most part I appreciate her absence, it was a relief to know I didn't have to worry about being in the same space with her for a very long time.

Yet, loneliness threatened to drive me crazy, I need to talk to someone soon enough or risk going crazy.

Only one person came to mind at the thought of a friendly companion.

One day I'll talk about my very antisocial life that is limited to just one person, but for now I place a call to Helen – best friend turned sister - on my cell phone and wait while the phone rings.

I haven't spoken with her since the accident and have avoided her calls and messages as well. I still couldn't bring myself to tell anyone that I was the reason my husband was stuck in an unconscious state.

She answers on the second ring and I can hear the endless babbles of the twins before her tired voice comes alive on the phone.

'Hello' hearing her voice brought a level of comfort I never knew I would feel all this while. The simple way she said hello told me she didn't even know who had called her.

Maybe she was tired of my silence and frequent disappearance and deleted my contact.

I wanted to say something, anything, but the words stuck in my throat. Speechlessness have become a part of me since the accident,and I couldn't help it.

'Camille? Is that you Cam?' I could hear Helen's once tired voice spark with hope and excitement and I couldn't hold the myriad of emotions any longer. I cried – the second thing that was slowly becoming a part of me, I cried long and hard, and all the while she didn't interrupt me, just remained silent until I was ready to talk. The sound of the babies crying in the background telling me that she was still on the phone.

'Where are you?' she asked when I finally mellowed down to a gentle sob, and I sent her the address.

'I'm sorry Helen, I'm so so sorry' I sobbed into the phone and blew my nose into the edge of my shirt – I had no tissue on me.

Less than an hour later, I sat with Helen in the hospital's vast garden, holding hands and sharing things that had happened in the past months in that simple position more than words could ever do.

'I am a murderer Helen, I caused this' I sobbed into her waiting shoulders and she rocked me softly.

'Common Cam, there is no way this would have been your fault, he should have even treated you better in the first place, do you ever consider that?' she asked in that condescending voice she used whenever we talked about James.

'We need to get you out of here ma'am, you reek of sickness and death, when last have you even had fun?' I managed a weak smile and shake my head, I wasn't ready to leave James' sight at all.

I already felt guilty enough about the accident to leave his sight and miss any important change, but Helen knew what I thought before I could even say it.

'Listen to me Cam, you should also feel guilty about keeping me in the dark all this while and letting me take care of your god-children alone' she paused to look at me for a moment, as if to let her words sink in.

'Now go say your goodbyes, we're going to Vegas tonight' she winked at me and got up to leave immediately before I could say no, signaling that she will be waiting in the car.

Vegas, the last place I want to be right no given my emotional state – and my sexual state as well.

Common, Vegas is the secret club for every dark business and that place was definitely the home for every sex starved person in new York.

The real Las Vegas had nothing on it, it was a standing enigma of it own that was reserved only for a few.

I wanted to invite her to come see James but it would only be a vain effort, She never liked James as much as he disliked her too - maybe even more.

I return to the room and watch him for a few minutes while a nurse checks his vitals. I waited to tell her I was going out for a few hours and I needed someone to check on him while I was away.

Her eyes widened in what must be surprise – or maybe judgment.

But I ignored it as I went ahead to kiss James lightly on the lips and gathered a few things I wanted to drop off at home.

The ride home in Helen's convertible was both therapeutic and refreshing, the cool breeze that kissed every inch of my skin made the hot summer sun bearable.

I really needed this; the soothing comfort of nature and a wild friend like Helen who kept riding speedily like we were on a car race.

We stopped at an ice cream stand to get two cones and some pies, then drove straight home.

It took me a generous scoop of ice cream to get me relaxed and in a better mood that didn't involve feeling so bad about leaving James' side.

At least just for today.

As we went through endless dresses and shoes for the night with Helen only sitting on the bed and shaking her head to every dress I chose, I felt more and more alive, looking forward to what the night held for me.

Maybe a release...

Stop it you naughty girl, your husband is still in coma and it's your fault by the way.

But come to think of it, what will I do if an opportunity for a one night stand surfaces?

Will I be loyal enough to resist?