Mutual feelings?

-Jason-

I had never seen that look in her eyes and a dagger pierced my heart. She was hurt, I could tell as much. Had I hurt her? How? Why? Had she developed feeling for me too? My heart rejoiced at the thought for a second but I quickly removed the idea from my mind. As much as I wanted it to be true her reaction earlier that day proved she didn’t want me anywhere other than in the friend zone. She freaked out when I jokingly said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. From time to time I dropped hints about how much she meant to me and she always said the feelings were mutual and that I was the brother she never had. Except that wasn’t what I felt for her. I didn’t look at her as a sister, I wanted more. I wanted to call her mine. I wanted her to call me hers. God knows it took every ounce of strength of my being to stop myself from punching someone every time we were out and some guy checked her out. It took even more to stop myself from kissing her every time we somehow found ourselves looking into each others eyes.

I’d known Joelle since Junior College and at the time she intrigued me more than anyone else. She was this mysterious girl nobody knew anything about. She had a captivating beauty—blue eyes, dark hair, and an attractive figure.

She always traveled by bus, disappeared after classes, and rarely spoke to anyone. Nobody ever saw her at any of the usual hang out places. Curiosity got the best of me once and I followed her after one of our Chemistry sessions. No wonder nobody ever saw her. She spent her free time in the library. Then she sat next to me once for a Biology session for which our tutor never turned up. She usually sat in front but on the day she sat at the far back next to me. I couldn’t resist passing a quirky remark and asked her whether she had sat next to me because she couldn’t resist my charm. Looking back, I realize how lame and cringeworthy that remark was, definitely not the best pick-up line.

She rolled her eyes and ignored me, and that was it. I was captivated by her. After that episode, she went back to mostly ignoring me, and she never sat next to me again. I never had the chance to speak to her, and that was that.

Fast forward to a year or so later and I woke up late for my first day of Medical school. I barely made it to class in time, only to find that all the back seats were taken. Then I saw her in the front row, and suddenly, sitting in front became exciting. I nodded at her and sat next to her. Imagine my horror when I opened my bag and realized I had forgotten my pens at home. Here I was sitting next to Miss Prim and Proper and having to ask her for a pen. Well done Jas! You were going to make such a good impression on her. I turned to her and asked her if she could lend me a pen as I had forgotten mine at home. She looked at me completely horrified, then rolled her eyes in the same way she had done a year earlier, opened her pencil case and handed me a pink pen. I had no idea if she had done it to spite me or because it was the first pen she found. She had an entire stationary shop in there, surely she had a spare blue or black pen. I smiled and decided the stars had aligned in my favor that morning. I thanked her and mentioned that pink was my favorite color anyway. After the session, I told her I would keep her pen for the rest of the day and would return it at the next session. Of course I never did, and four years later I still take my notes in a pink pen.

From that day forward we sat next to each other for every session and the more I got to know her the more I felt drawn to her. The day a girl flirted with me and I didn’t flirt back, I knew I was in trouble. It seemed I didn’t want anyone else except her. There was one problem- I had fallen into the friend zone and I had no idea how to escape it! I wanted to ask her out, but I feared ruining our friendship if she didn’t share the same feelings.

The longer I waited the more difficult it became. I desired her deeply but the thought of losing her as a friend, held me back. Eventually I introduced her to my childhood friends who attended the same campus we did, albeit different courses. She fit in seamlessly and it felt like she had always been part of our trio. To my surprise, Matthew didn’t hit on her. Kevin figured out my feelings for her from day one and called me out for not having the guts to ask her out. I didn’t care. What I hated was what he said next, “Don’t wait too long, one day someone will ask her out, she will accept and you will still lose her.” I knew he was right, but I could never find the right time or the right words. Whenever I hinted something, I always got the impression she wanted to keep me in the friend zone.

Two weeks ago I planned to confess my feelings to her. I invited her to a beach party with us. The plan was to take her away from all the noise and come clean about my feelings. If she freaked out or rejected me, I planned on calling her the next day, apologize and blame everything on the alcohol. When I told her I had already bought the tickets, she got somewhat pissed off and said she wasn’t coming. I knew parties weren’t her thing, but I had to give it a try and that was the best I could come up with. In hindsight, I’m glad she didn’t come. It was a lousy plan anyway.

Whilst at the bar, Kayleigh came to flirt and I really wasn’t in the mood for her bullshit so I turned my back on her. To my annoyance, Matthew teased me and insinuated that I must be gay to reject someone like Kayleigh. I knew he

was interested in her. Even if I had liked her, and even if Joelle didn't exist, I still wouldn't have pursued her. Matthew was like a brother to me, but on that day, he crossed a line and angered me.

He hit the wrong buttons. He pissed me off, so just to piss him off, I went to look for her and took her to the dance floor. I made it a point to be in his sight and spent the next hour dancing with her. Can’t say I didn’t enjoy it but I enjoyed seeing his annoyed face ten times more. He didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening after that but by the next day all was forgotten or so I thought, until today.

I had gotten my self into a right mess. Matthew just had to get back at me in front of Joelle and I had no idea how I was supposed to react. Hell, I wasn’t even sure why she was so hurt. She barely spoke to me for the rest of the day. Luckily she seemed fine later that evening when I messaged her and back to her normal self the next day. Why did women have to be so darn complicated?