His Regrets

CHAPTER 8: HIS REGRET

You never know how much someone meant to you until you lose them.

                               ~ Anonymous

HAMDAN’S P.O.V

As I was waiting for Humeyra in the presidential suite, I kept wondering how an 18-year-old could afford such a room. I was contemplating on different scenarios when Humeyra entered the room. Maa sha Allah. She looked particularly breathtaking in her plain abaya and black jalabib which hide her petite figure quite well. Why am I noticing that right now? Astaghfirullah.

Lower your gaze man. I looked at her from the corner of my eyes and realized that she was seated rather awkwardly so I initiated the salaam which she shyly replied to. I was shocked for a moment when she was standing less than an inch from me that lowering my gaze was no longer an option. When she confessed her feelings for me, I felt like my heart would fly away something I didn’t anticipate.

Three words. Three words made my heart beat faster .Three words made my legs shake. Three words made my head spin. Three words. I love you. Her confession made me feel proud inside, it made me feel like I have conquered a nation which inflated my ego and made me feel as if I  was above her hence I broke her vulnerable heart even more by degrading her through my harsh words.

Knowing how bold she was I expected her to yell or even slap me but the reaction I got made me feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. She was crying immensely heartbroken because of my hurtful words to her. She sat down once more and cried so hard I was shaken to the core by the amount of pain her sobs portrayed. I couldn’t stand it for long so when I decided to bring her back, she asked me for the weirdest request which I had no heart to deny.

When I told her that I trusted her, I meant it from the bottom of my heart.  I never expected to be tied down but I was not scared of her since she tied my hands loosely such that I could easily free them. She also blindfolded me and I was suddenly scared. What she did next took my breath away.

She kissed me with so much love held me with so much care and cried with so much pain that made my eyes flood with tears too. Her last words to me hit something so hard in me, I felt like the air has been suck from my lungs. Her words broke my protective shield and my heart was like pieces of broken mirror. Not entirely clear in the image it gives and neither was it completely useless.

I love you habibi. I will always love you. No one can ever love you as much as I do. I will miss you ya ayouni. Don’t forget me please hubbi. You said I don’t deserve you? I hope one day you will realize your mistake. You have my heart. You took it and am left with none while you have two. Please take care of my heart for it forever belongs to you.” These words were stuck in my head and now the pain I felt in my chest didn’t help either.

That night I took a flight home back to my mother’s mansion. It was a long flight of eight hours. I couldn’t get the image of Humeyra’s tears out of my head. I felt so ashamed and regretful for letting shaytwaan get to me. I felt bad for being too proud of the neema Allah has granted me. My head was in jumbles and my heart in turmoil. I sort refuge in Allah and decided to repent for all my sins.

When the plane touched solid ground, I was embraced by my Abu. I held him so tight that he felt how much troubled I was. I arrived home and for the first time in many years I cried on my mother’s lap. Later on I told my parent about what I did and they both expressed their disappointed in me.

They, however didn’t give up on me. She advised me to repent and to call and apologize to Humeyra for my harsh words. Later on, after bonding with my Rabbi, I decided to call Humeyra’s phone dreading the outcome but she never picked my calls.  I called her friend Aisha after getting her number from the Islamic What Sapp group. What I heard broke my heart and intensified my guilt ten folds.

I never knew that Humeyra was ill. I never knew that she acted bold to cover for her physical weakness. I never knew that I loved her until that moment when Aisha told me that her friend went for surgery overseas and doesn’t know the specific place. I hang up and recalled Humeyra’s question on if I would miss her if she dies.

At that very instant my floodgates opened and I regretted ever belittling my brave Humii.  Don’t leave me Humeyra. Please don’t leave me. Ya malikul mulk please give me a chance to redeem my mistakes and ask for forgiveness, please ya Rabb. I never cried that much in my life as I did at that very moment.