Chapter Two

DAWN. 

Pain. 

I never thought I could have feel as this much pain at once. I had grown accustomed to it since my parents’ death, but then he came along and took it away. He took everything away and now this is suddenly ironic, to say that the one person who took all those suffering away is the one causing it right now. 

I whirl around to face him. He's standing there, staring at me with an emotion I can't truly decipher, nor am I in my right state of mind to. 

I've always wanted to hear that word. I've cherish the memories of him saying it in my head. I've waited for so long; to hear those golden ones from the man I couldn't help but to fall in love with. But now that he said it, I hate it so much. It doesn't soothe the arching burn in my heart. It doesn't soothe the pain; instead of intensifying it. The words that I've yearned to hear now become one of mockery. 

"You love me?"

I laugh, a scoff slipping past my lips as I dare to take a step closer to him. 

"Yes, I do Dawn. I've always done, but I've always being afraid to say it but I'm not anymore. I'm begging you dawn, please don't do this to us. Don't do this to me, don't ruin this thing between us. I'll do anything you want me to; anything. Just please don't leave me. "

"You will do anything I want you to? Well, guess what I want you to?! I want you to leave me the fuck alone! Disappear out of my life! Vanish! Die or, trust me I wouldn't give a fuck. Just leave the fucking hell alone!"

Words tore out of my lips. Words that I have no control over but words that I'm very glad leaves against my judgment. 

"Stay away from me, Ryder. I want nothing to do with you. "

I turn around to leave, but I see him move from the corner of my eyes and he's suddenly grabbing onto my wrist. It burns immediately; just like it always does and while the deep feelings that I anchored for this deadly man scared me before–it now angered me. 

I swirl around, jerking my wrist out of his hold and he moves back a little, not because of the impact but because of the surprise that laces across his face at my action. 

"Do you know how it feels? To know that I trusted you, but you have been deceiving me all this while? Do you know how it feels to find out about my parents from Oliver? Fucking Oliver, of all people?"

I step closer, desperately holding back the tears that threaten to flow down my cheeks like a fucking ocean. I won't cry. I refuse to cry. I refuse to break down before him. I refuse to let him know just how much it hurts. 

"I was going to tell you; I swear to god. I was going to, I just couldn't. Understand me, Dawn. I couldn't lose you. "

"And yet you just did. Tell me the truth, Ryder. If I had never found out from him, would you have mentioned anything at all? You would have just kept it away from me, right? And let me believe I can trust you when you fucking murdered my parents!"

"Shut the fucking hell up!"

He raises his voice, now stepping forward with his hands balls into fists by his side and his eyes growing dangerously dark with his breath hardly harboured. 

"Goddammit Dawn, shut the fucking hell up! Fine, I killed your parents! I did and I would have never mentioned it to you because that will take you away. I don't fucking care what you call it, but I would have never risked losing you! Is it too much to ask for? Just for you? Is it fucking too much to ask for, wanting to be with you with nothing stopping me? I'm sorry, okay?! What else do you want me to say?! I'm fucking sorry! That's all I can do. I can't do anything else but apologize. I can't bring back your parents for you! I can't fucking do that, Dawn!"

He breathes heavily, his eyes softening as if just realising what he's doing. 

"I'm sorry, "

"And I can't be with a fucking murderer. I can't be with a killer, I just can't!"

I spat, and he flinches away like I had hit him. I see him flash across his eyes; the shock, the disbelief, the anger, the sadness, then the hurt. 

Biting down on my lips, I tear my eyes away from him and bolt out of the room when I'm sure he won't chase after me anymore. 

I run down the stairs, more than eager to get away from him, only to be stopped by Minerva who's currently holding a crying Emily in her arms. Of course from all the shouts and screams; the poor girl must have been disturbed. 

"Dawn, "

Minerva starts with a pity expression across her face and judging by that look, I can tell she heard everything she knows what's going on. Perhaps did she know about all these from the beginning too? Did she know but kept it away from me all this while? I don't really give a fuck at the moment. I just want to get out of here. 

"I need to leave, "

I simply voice out, sidestepping her and rushing through the doors, ignoring Minerva's calls for me to stop. 

My legs won't stop moving. Even when I finally get far away from the house. From him. It doesn't stop moving. My head is in a mess, my heart hurts badly and the tears I've been desperately holding on to finally rolls down my cheeks. 

I killed your parents. 

I love you. 

I didn't told you because I couldn't lose you. 

I'm sorry. 

All these while, he knew. All these while, he kept it away from me. All this while, i blindly fell in love with him. All these fucking while! The universe must really be mocking be right now. How stupid was I to have thought I could finally have my peace? How stupid of I to have thought I would forever be happy and safe in his arms? In his embrace? How fucking stupid was I to have ignored all the fucking signs? To have thought I could look past that damaged man? How fucking stupid!

"Dawn!"

My name is being yelled, but I refuse to stop. My legs won't comply anyway, it wanders off endlessly with no destination. Even when the droplets fall one by one till they become heavy and soak me thoroughly, leaving me in a cold shivering mess that can't be compared to the one I'm feeling deep inside me; I keep moving. 

"Goddammit Dawn! Fucking stop! You're going to get yourself sick!"

I suddenly snap out of my dazed state when I realize that voice sounds oddly familiar. 

I stop my legs from moving and true to my thoughts, the devil himself stands before me. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! Walking in the rain like it means nothing and getting yourself drenched like that?! Are you insane?"

Anger purses through me and before my brain could connect to my mind, my hands fly up and I strike him hard against his cheek, my palm leaving a red mark across the skin. 

"Get the fucking out of here!"

I seethe angrily, balling my fists at my side and ready to pounce on him. 

Oliver turns to me with a glare, his one hand against the skin I had just struck. 

"You're in the fucking rain and you, "

"Why the fucking hell do you care? Uh? Why do you give a fuck? Why are you here? What the fuck do you want from me again? You got what you fucking wanted, right? Cogratu-fucking-lations Oliver! You won! Just like you had said, you will. He confirmed your words! He killed my parents, he kept the secret from me. He fucking ruined me just like you had said, and now I know. Thank you so fucking much for that!"

His glare drops and a sympathetic expression crosses his features, just like the one Minerva gave me. It does nothing but only stirs up the anger in me. How dare he try this fucking shit with me! 

"I'm sorry, Dawn. You don't deserve any of this, and I'm sorry, but you had to know. Ryder wasn't the right one for you; he was deceiving you and, "

"And it's none of your fucking business. You did what you did for your own selfish desires, don't you dare try to fool me. "

I say harshly, my heart thumping hard against my chest and Oliver signs, drawling his hand down his face to wipe away the droplets of rain that runs down the skin and that's when I become conscious of the fact that it's actually pouring hard. 

"I won't deny that because it's the truth. I did it because he doesn't deserve to be happy, not after what he did to me. Not after what he did to anymore. He doesn't deserve to even know what happiness feels like because he has taken countless away from innocent people. I'm sorry I had to hurt you, but it's the truth, Dawn. Ryder Smith is a fucking monster that can't be changed. He doesn't bear that stage name for nothing, he lives up to it. "

He sighs again, running his hands through his now wet hair and brushing it away from his view. 

"I know you're mad at me, but please, just let me take you home. "

"Like hell I would do that!"

I scoff, and he nods, raising his hands up in surrender. 

"You're soaked, Dawn, and I'm sure if I leave you here, you'll continue wandering off in the rain and that will not get you anywhere. "

"Don't fucking tell me what to do!"

I hiss at him, even though I know he's right. The rain has poured down heavily, which I'm glad for because it's the only thing hiding my tears and preventing me from looking like a pathetic bitch before Oliver. Not that I care, but I refuse to be weak before him. 

"I'm not, I promise. Just let me get you home, Dawn. Please. I promise I won't say as much as a word to you. "

I stare at this man before me whose face I desperately want to punch repeatedly till he bleeds, but then I realise he's right. 

"Okay. "

RYDER. 

She was going to leave. 

She was going to fucking leave. 

She was going to fucking leave in the end. 

I knew this! Hell! I even expected the moment. I was desperately counting the days, hours, minutes, and seconds I had left with her. But now that it's finally here, why does it hurt so badly?

I knew this was going to happen beforehand; I knew I was going to lose her. I knew she was going to leave me; just like everyone of them always fucking does, but why does it hurts this much if I knew all along?

Is it because I hoped that she wouldn't? What a fucking pathetic I am. Of course she was going to run through that door the moment she found out what I did to her. To her family, how I ruined her and kept it away from her all along. 

What the fuck was I expecting? That she was going to stay after causing her deepest sufferings? That she was going to comfort me like she has been doing all this while? Of course there was no fucking way she could have done that because this time; I did not do the damage to one random fuck person she doesn't know. I did the damage to her, and she bolted immediately, just like I thought. 

Now I'm back to where I begun all over again. The only one who had calmed down my demons. The only one who accepted my pathetic fuck is gone and once again, it's because of my pathetic fucking self. 

And I can't be with a fucking murderer. I can't be with a killer, I just can't!

She spited out those words to me with nothing but deep hatred and rage burning in those eyes that I love so fucking much. Those fucking eyes that once looked at me in adoration. 

Dawn is gone, and along with her, I can feel my own demons taking control over my senses. The demons that she had kept at bay but now without her by my side, fights to set loose. 

I can't be with a killer!

A killer!

A killer!

A killer!

A fucking KILLER!

A DAMN MOTHERFUCKING KILLER!

She had called me the very words everyone of them had. The very name I always cower away from but is just who I was, who I am, and who I'll always be. 

"Ryder, "

Minerva calls, stepping into the room. Into the darkness that surrounds me. Into the darkness that's fucking ME. 

"Go away. "

I mutter, staring blankly into space. The same spot she was standing at just moments ago as I watched her eyes turned cold. 

"Ryder please, I know you're hurt and I-"

"Didn't you fucking hear me the first time?!I told you to fucking go away! Go the fuck away from here! I don't want you or anything else in here! Get the fuck away from me!"

Only when I hear soft cries did I realize she came with Emily in her arms and guilt stirs up in me. But again, why the fuck should I feel guilty? Isn't this just who I am? The one that causes pain to others. 

"I'm trying to understand your situation right now, Ryder. I really am, but that doesn't give you the fucking right to shout at me, especially not with Emily here. I heard everything and I'm sorry about what happened but just sitting here and venting your frustration and rage on others wouldn't solve your problem. I hope you know what to do and I hope you come to realize I'm always here for you,no matter what. "

I say nothing and I hear her sigh softly before she walks out of the room and I finally turn to stare at the spot she was previously standing. 

Yes, of course she is fucking right. 

Sitting here and venting my anger on her or others wouldn't solve my problem, stop me from hurting or make her come back to her because that's never going to happen.

Instead, I'm going to kill the fucking bastard that did this. 

After all, I'm all but a mother-fucking KILLER!