5: Pregnant

BELLA

The smile froze on my face and it slowly evaporated until my face was set in a grimace. The weight was suddenly back, this time heavier and I did not know when I jolted off the bed and grabbed my phone.

 

My period... I hadn't seen my period in over a month, that harshly dawned on me and I could feel and hear my heart beating loudly against my chest. I tried to convince myself that it was all in my head but I was sure... I was sure I missed my period last month. 

I usually saw my period between the 18th to 22nd of the month but today was the 12th of the next month and... And my period was still... I haven't seen my period. I didn't see my period last month. 

 

 

What if I was pregnant? At this point, my hands were shaking visibly. Getting pregnant at this stage of my life was an absolute nightmare. No, it had to be some health issues. Maybe stress was delaying the flow or something else.

 

 

The voice in my head didn't help matters. I could swear I wasn't alone in the room…

 

"Bella, you had unprotected sex with him."

 

"Bella, you are definitely pregnant."

 

"Bella, this is the end of your life."

 

"Bella…"

 

The implication of that dawned on me, liquidifying my bones till I slumped on the floor, tears rolling down my cheeks in torrent. If I was pregnant, that would be the end of me. My stepmother would kill me, I was sure of that. And if I was really pregnant, I’d finally prove her right; she had always called me a failure and I'll be living up to that name. 

And for Mara, she won't hesitate to make my life a living hell, I'm sure she'd gloat and spread the news at school. 

My dad! He gave me hope every time I was down, he was the only one who truly loved me in the world. What would he say if I ended up pregnant? He would be disappointed and I already hated myself for that, I hated myself for doing this to my dad. 

For disappointing him and myself! God! How could I have been so gullible to allow this to happen to me?

My tears increased and I couldn’t stop crying. If I was pregnant, then it was truly the end for me.

 

 

 

******

I cried myself to sleep that day and it didn't help that Mara’s mother asked me to wash a huge heap of clothes by hand late at night because she didn't like how the washing machine was ruining her fabrics. I cried while washing them, hating myself even more and hating the kind of miserable life I was living. 

When I woke up the next morning, I knew I had to get a test kit, I couldn't continue second-guessing my status. After that decision, I had to find a store that was as far as possible from where we lived and I disguised myself as much as possible so even if I mistakenly ran into someone I knew, they wouldn’t recognize me.

 

I developed cold feet at the entrance of the store and I had to walk away and return again and I repeated that until the security guard started looking at me suspiciously. That was when I finally summoned courage and I entered.

 

I got the kits but I couldn't bring myself to use them immediately because I knew if the result was positive, I was doomed.

 

 

It was positive.

I was doomed.

 

Two giant lines stared me right in the face as I checked to see the result of the test. I was pregnant. I was pregnant for Trevor!

 

The tears wouldn’t flow. I wanted to throw myself into a world of damnation and cry my eyes out, but I couldn’t. Instead, I was completely numb and disconnected and it felt like this wasn't me, like I was watching this happen to someone else. I couldn't be pregnant... I couldn't...

Pregnancy was a lot. A whole lot. I didn't even know what to think or do until adrenaline and the insane desire to convince myself that this was just one huge lie propelled me to do the test over and over again. Even when I couldn't pee, I had to drink bottle after bottle of water.

But the result never changed. 

I was pregnant. 

My heart shattered completely.

In all of these, I couldn't even feel my wolf. It felt like she had disappeared completely or she was also completely shattered by what was going on. 

I was completely disoriented. I didn't know the next step to take and to top it all, I felt so alone. How was I supposed to manage pregnancy? To think this was just a game to Trevor and now I am here, pregnant!

 

I managed to get by that day but the next day, I knew I had to do something, I had to tell someone and that's when I realized how utterly alone I was again. The only person I could tell was Trevor. Even though he had treated me like a piece of shit, I was still going to tell him I was pregnant for him. I was uncertain what his response would be, but I couldn't know by guessing. I had to tell him. I couldn't do this alone.

 

 

 

The next day, I decided to show up at Trevor's house. Every bone in my body just wanted to stay in bed and sulk. Is this what pregnancy felt like? I was dizzy almost every minute of the day. I had checked online for pregnancy symptoms and one of them was puking and spitting regularly in the first trimester. I was yet to experience that and I was grateful for the delay.

 

 

I had become extremely self-conscious after seeing the test result. It changed everything. I felt like there was a huge signpost on me, tagged "pregnant", visible to everyone. In the last few hours, I did my best to avoid getting in close contact with Mara and her mother. I did everything possible to hide the weakness I was feeling. Something told me I would be exposed soon, but I wanted to have a plan before that happened.

 

 

It hurt so much that what was just a game to Trevor had gotten me into a mess. Why was I always at the receiving end of pain and disaster? Why did Mara hate me so much? She always wanted to see me in pain. It was evident in the way she attacked me both in school and at home.

   

I stopped at Trevor’s gate and stared at the mansion. Memories of my previous visits washed over me and my heart skipped. Those memories were the beginning of a disaster, just when I thought my world had finally taken a positive turn, it all came crashing before me. I was literally an object of ridicule. Memories that would have made me smile now brought tears to my eyes, brought a crumbling humiliation to my soul.

 

 

 

A male voice cut into my reverie and I jolted back to reality. It was one of Trevor's guards and just like he wasn't unfamiliar to me, I knew he recognized me too because he had seen me every time I came here with Trevor.

 

"Hey there, can I help you?" he asked curtly.

 

“I want to see Trevor, please let me...”

 

“Trevor isn't around,” he interrupted me sharply before I could even finish my statement and just like that, he turned back and started to walk away.

“Please,” I banged on the gate, “I'm just going to wait for him here.”

“That won't be advisable, young lady. I've been ordered not to allow you in or anywhere near the house so please, just turn back and leave. Trevor isn't even around and he won’t be back today so you can't see him.”

My heart shattered completely. This was a confirmation that Trevor felt absolutely nothing for me, no regard whatsoever. I just stood there, confused and all alone. I had to tell Trevor that I was pregnant but he has blocked all access to him. His numbers weren't also going through and I needed no soothsayer to tell me that he had blocked me. 

 

“Was it Trevor?” I asked, my voice unusually calm /and a sharp contrast to the raging war that was going on inside me, “Was he that one that ordered you not to allow me in?”

Tears pooled in my eyes then as the reality of everything dawned on me more. Trevor who has treated me as if I was his world was now treating me like this. 

The guard opened his mouth to say something but I had already tuned him out because I noticed a movement in the room with a window facing the gate. It was Trevor's private gym.

I had followed him there on one of my visits. Someone walked across the room, then towards the door. I could recognize that frame anywhere, anytime. It was Trevor, he was in there and didn't want to see me.

 

Frustration grew into pain, then hurt, then anger, then an intense, uncontrollable rage that made my docile wolf start prancing within me, that made my bones start twisting and bending in the telltale signs of a shift but I forced myself to remain grounded. Shifting won't change anything now. 

I didn't expect a grand welcome or an ovation of some sort, but I did hope he would at least hear me out. I must really mean nothing to him and honestly, Trevor deserved an award for being such a good actor for completely playing me. 

 

 

 

The weather changed and I could tell there would be a heavy downpour. In a few minutes, it began to rain heavily, drenching me. The guard left me alone and I remained there, cold and drenched under the rain. I banged on the gate a few times, hoping that the fact that it was raining would make Trevor change his mind and I’d be allowed in but no, no one came to my rescue. 

The fact I was in the rain meant nothing to Trevor. I meant nothing to him.

 

All of a sudden, I started crying hysterically again. I cried till tears couldn't come out again. I cried till I was heaving and panting. I cried till I couldn't see clearly again. I cried till I couldn't feel my heart. It felt like someone had yanked my heart away from my body and in its place, a hollowness that was threatening to swallow me whole. 

For the umpteenth time, I felt worthless. I needed no further explanation. It was clear to me that I was the joke in Mara's comedy show.

 

 

I was alone.

 

 

Just then, my phone beeped. I rushed to unlock it and check what it was, momentarily thinking that it was something that'd change the nightmare I was currently in but nothing prepared me for the message I just received.

 

 

I had thought my heart couldn't shatter more, that I couldn't feel more pain but as I stared at my phone, I realized I was wrong. The level of pain I was feeling right now made what I felt earlier look like a child's play. 

And I didn't need to be told, I took to my heels and ran with every strength in me, not minding the rain.