CHAPTER ONE.

IVY.

I've been getting by just fine. I get through the day without having to use Xanax and my panic attacks have reduced to the barest minimum. I've also been able to sleep for days without nightmares and having to use my sleeping pills.

That's what being fine sounds like. Nia, my therapist, won't be exactly thrilled that I'm shutting down my feelings, but getting by is more important to me.

I'm neck deep in work when my assistant peeks her head in.

“Ma'am, I wanted to remind you of your upcoming trip with Miss Is...”

“Cancel it.” I cut her off without hesitation.

“But ma'am, there's a no-refund policy.”

“I don't care. Cancel it.”

“Or give the reservations to anybody who needs it.” I changed my mind.

Great. Just great. Talk about counting my chicks before they hatch.

I buried myself back in my work and I barely noticed when work was over.

My phone rang with a notification reminder,“Bell’s big day” and I was ready to throw it across the room or bawl my eyes out. I chose none of that. Everything keeps reminding me of her these days.

I took that as my cue to leave and packed my things. I waited for the elevator while squeezing my stress ball to distract my thoughts.

I hate enclosed spaces, but my office is on the 20th floor and I'm not about to use the stairs in these heels. I'd rather risk my sanity for five minutes.

The doors opened and my mood deflated again. I had silently hoped the elevator would be empty. But there it was, with a man inside. I didn't look up as I stepped in. I tried to focus on my breathing and try to gather my thoughts, but his perfume was so hard to ignore! It smelled oddly familiar, but also unique like it was custom made. l couldn't think about anything else, because all I could do was try to figure out what brand it was from, and admire him from behind. He had a really nice build and even though I couldn't see his face, I knew he'd be good-looking. The elevator stopped and he immediately stepped out. I was just glad that I could breathe in clean air, he had an overwhelming presence 

I texted my driver to bring the car to the front, another thing Nia won't be pleased with. Since the last time I drove, I avoided driving like my life depended on it. And she had tried to convince me on multiple occasions to try to drive again, to face my fears. And then we'd know how to handle my anxiety towards driving from there. I couldn't even imagine getting behind the wheels. Left to me I wouldn't even get close to a car, but not everywhere was within walking distance, I can’t walk everywhere.

It has been six months since I got this car and I still couldn't get used to it. It was until my driver honked twice, before I realized that this black Mercedes C300 was mine.

I was a pink Lamborghini Urus girlie before everything changed and I couldn't even bear the sight of my precious baby. The Mercedes was really beautiful but it wasn't my Lambo.

I got into the car and we got home sooner than I expected. My mum was setting the table for dinner when I walked in, but my dad was nowhere to be found.

“Where's Dad?” I asked as I took an apple from the fruit tray.

“In his room. He's not coming down tonight.” she answered with a resigned look on her face.

Another thing that was weighing me down apart from the state of my health, is my dad's behaviour lately.

The company was suffering but it was nothing I couldn't handle. I hated that he had withdrawn into his shell.

I got into my room, undressed and stepped into the shower.

I stayed in the shower long enough to feel calm and know that my mum would personally come up to drag me downstairs to eat dinner if I wasn't fast.

I entered my closet to find something random to wear, and the first thing that I picked was a two-piece lounge wear that I had with her. I dropped it immediately and could feel my heart racing and a panic attack on the way. My eyes roamed the whole place for my Xanax. I grabbed it and popped like twice my dose into my mouth, then I sat down waiting for the effect to kick in. I sat there in my robe for almost half an hour and I could feel myself relax. I heard my mum come in, but I didn't have the strength to respond to her. She tried to get me to talk, but she gave up and left when I didn't answer.

At some point, I fell asleep right there on the floor. I woke up with a pounding headache and an extremely dry throat.

I groggily stood up and grabbed my phone from where it was. It was 3:04am. Great. This meant no more sleep for me and I noticed a pattern with me waking around this exact time.

I went down to get some water and something to eat since I missed dinner.

After two glasses of water, my head was clear. While waiting for my food, I decided to email my therapist to book me an emergency session. I couldn't wait another week to talk to her. I haven't fully opened up to her nor have I listened to her. But there's a comfort that comes with her talking to me and trying to get me to talk. At the expense of my account balance of course, Nia didn't come cheap. After I sent the email, I was checking my inbox and then I saw it. Another terminated deal. They cut ties at the worst possible moment and they left no room for negotiation. This was the one deal that was supposed to keep us afloat until we could figure things out. I checked the email again and saw that they copied my dad, no wonder he didn't come down for dinner. The business he built is going down.

Ellis Exchange is doomed. I'm doomed.