4 - Stroke

~Natasha’s Point of View~

“I just can’t get over how quickly you had him, that’s not common for your first pregnancy I don’t think,” Nadine said. 

I smiled down at my little baby Louie and pretty much ignored my twin sister. I rubbed his little soft patch of light brown hair. I was so in love. Any reservations I had, especially about doing this alone, were gone. At least for now, easy to say when I was still in the hospital.

She’d been married for about nine years and had three kids so of course she’d been trying to tell me everything. Some stuff I did appreciate but for the most part I was ready for her to get the hell out.

Our mom had passed when we were ten, and our father, who'd been like our hero, had a massive heart attack a couple years ago and didn’t make it. She was all I really had, though there were some cousins on the east coast. I wasn’t at all close to my aunts and uncles.

“I just can’t believe you’re really going to do this alone, Tash. It’s really fucking hard. Like sleep deprivation on a level you can’t even understand,” she said, rubbing Louie’s little fluff of hair.

“Looking at him, I just know it was meant to be. I was meant to have him,” I said, leaning down and rubbing his hair with my face.

He’d already latched and nursed like a champ and so far was sleeping decently. But then again he was less than twenty-four hours old. I’d had a text book delivery except for how fast he came out, but I wasn’t complaining about not having a long labor.

KNOCK KNOCK

“Hey there, how are we feeling,” Dr. Kendall said, walking in.

“As good as can be expected,” I said, handing the baby to Nadine so I could sit up. 

The doctor asked me a few things and looked me over before glancing at my chart.

“Really if you’re comfortable going home in the morning I think you’re all good to go. The nurse can work with you on all the follow up visits,” he said, looking up. He then moved on to look at Louie.

My mind wandered. I hated to admit that I’d already been wondering how Lukas was handling the studio and it had only been a day. Nadine’s husband had gotten my car so at least it was just outside. He was a big wig in the pharmaceutical industry and made well over seven figures so even though Nadine always went on about how hard it was, she had a live-in nanny. I wasn’t going to have that. Though I had interviewed several babysitters to keep Louie once I went back to work, I wasn’t thrilled with a single one.

Since I was two months pregnant I’d also been on a waitlist at three different daycares but that didn’t look promising. He’d have to come with me, and I’d have to dole out the bar meetings to Lukas for the foreseeable future.

Not like he couldn’t handle them at least. And yeah, I’d already had to explain to my sister that what was plastered all over the tabloids within an hour of our picture being taken was just an innocent thing. She made it very clear she didn’t approve of him and reminded me that I was never supposed to date the talent.

But … he was my boss technically. As much as I didn’t want to see him that way. His brand was on the door. Feisty Entertainment. I can still hardly believe it.

I definitely wanted to see him a million other ways but seeing as my vagina is a train wreck at the moment, I certainly should keep my sexy time thoughts to a minimum.

The rest of the day went by quickly, and I smiled way too hard when flowers got delivered. I had no clue why I might think they were just from Lukas, I shouldn’t think that way. The card was signed, “Your Feisty Family.” 

Certainly more than Ajax would have done.

That night Louie woke several times and by morning I was nearly a zombie. He was already the baby who absolutely hated being wet and he’d let you know it. 

When it came time to leave, Nadine didn’t come or answer my texts. I was pissed but really, this was just a window into what was to come. I shouldn’t be surprised. She showed up a couple times and played the doting auntie, brought me a couple fast food meals and some fresh clothes. She couldn’t be bothered to just run by my place and get the bag I had packed, no … she used it as an excuse to go shopping. Now she’s back in her mansion doing whatever she does all day.

A couple of nurses helped me outside and even were sweet enough to load the car. I got Louie in and settled, he stayed asleep the entire time. I didn’t have his diaper bag or anything outside of his car seat, I was damn glad it had been in there already.

The whole twenty minute ride home I bawled silently, feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like I was an idiot for thinking I could really do this. But that’s just stupid. Women are single moms every day, all the time. They do it, because they have to. Maybe it was the hormones, I had to hope like hell it was because I couldn’t carry on like this. I’d never been the crying type.

I was immediately glad I was in a high end building with a valet. The doorman helped me upstairs and someone took the car. All I had to do was carry the carseat. 

“There was a large delivery for you, we kept it in the back office since we weren’t sure when you’d be back. I can go get it once we get you settled,” Tim said. He was my favorite, an older man with a sweet smile. He always went out of his way for me.

“That would be great, I really appreciate it,” I said, giving him my best smile. 

He was widowed nearly ten years and we always had the best conversations about him trying dating apps. He always joked that if he was thirty years younger he’d be the father of my baby.

I got into my place and drew a deep breath, realizing it was seriously official. I was a mommy. I sat Louie on the couch and waited for Tim to return. Much to my shock, he came in with a cart full of crap.

“What’s all this,” I asked, my eyes wide.

“Came this morning by courier, baby stuff I guess,” he said, smiling as he unloaded it.

I took in a few boxes of different sized diapers, wipes and baskets with baby clothes, bubble bath and all kinds of things. There were even toys. My eyes watered. I hadn’t had a baby shower, I didn’t see the point.

Nadine had unloaded a bunch of crap on me from her youngest, but it was a girl and I only took certain things. The rest I donated. It was all so high end there was no chance I’d toss it.

I quickly fished a $20 bill out of my purse but Tim refused it. Instead he gave me a hug and until that old man squeezed me I had no clue how much I needed that contact. Nadine wasn’t at all a lovey dovey person and I wasn’t really either. But … the hormones I told myself.

As soon as he was gone I fell onto the couch and cried again. Until my stomach protested and demanded I get up. I grabbed my phone and ordered from my favorite Chinese place, suddenly craving it. 

Something drew my eye to one of the baskets and I saw an envelope. 

“Please let us know if you need anything at all. We hope this all helps, congratulations!! Your Feisty Family.”

I gasped as I pulled more out of the envelope and saw several $500 a****n gift cards and several $500 gift cards for food delivery. Looking at it all, there had to be over $5k or so worth of stuff here. I couldn’t believe it.

I had already stocked up on diapers, wipes and baby things. I pretty much had all I needed for the first year but I’d take more. I hoped to be able to keep nursing but I’d have to pump as well.

From the very moment I had told Ajax that I was pregnant all they asked was how long I’d be gone. If I could come right back into work. Slade had sent me a packet with the new maternity leave policy and I was going to be allowed three months at full pay and then another three months at 75% pay, if I wanted it. Of course the idea of a full six months only swirled in my head for a minute, while I could afford it there’s no way my OCD would allow it.

It made me feel hopeful at any rate, that things really were changing. It’s not like we’re in this to win awards and top billboard charts specifically but fuck it would be nice to get some recognition like that for a change. Have artists that we can really get excited about, be proud of instead of just feeling bleh.

I was able to putter around for a few minutes, get some laundry going and make some tea before Louie woke to eat. I can do this, I just … have to get a schedule. I like schedules. A baby is just like a rockstar, he has to be trained. 

Well, it made sense in my head.

That night at 12:45am, at 1:56am, at 3:12am, at 4:41am … my mind had other ideas. It’s just the first night I told myself. He’s adapting. How would you feel about being ripped out of your nice warm waterbed to a weird place with a big scary person hovering over you? 

By 6:11am I was just up, there was no point in anything. Louie had been screaming for about ten minutes and I’d been crying. I’d just finished nursing and burping when there was a knock at the door. My brow furrowed with annoyance, I was in no position for a guest. Who the fuck would it even be? Was Tim checking on me? It would certainly not be Nadine at this hour.

With Louie in tow I didn’t even bother with the peephole, if somebody was going to rob me right now I wasn’t sure I’d care. I pulled the door open and much to my shock there stood Lukas of all people.

He was only wearing some baggy shorts and he was barefoot. Even through my foggy mom brain my eyes couldn’t help but fall over the cut of his hips and how low those shorts hung on him. He didn’t seem to have any body hair at all, but he had the famous Feisty ink covered skin.

“Natasha? What are you doing here,” he asked, looking just as confused.

Is this a trick question? It must be. I’m still asleep, that’s what it is.

“I live here, why are you almost naked,” I said, yawning. 

He took a step back into the hallway and looked around. 

“Is that bird shit on your shoulder,” he asked, pointing and stepping back closer. 

I sighed. Damn it I’d forgotten a burp cloth! Without really thinking about it I took a step into the hall and held out Louie. Lukas looked kind of stunned but damn it he was here for whatever reason, I was going to take advantage of it. 

“Hold him so I can change, come in,” I said, as he looked down at the swaddled bundle in his arms. He made Louie look so tiny, and it was a weird sight but I couldn’t waste a lot of time on it. I practically flew into my room and nearly died when I saw my reflection. Christ, I look like the Walking Dead. 

I groaned and stripped, quickly taking a whore’s bath and scrubbing my face. I brushed out my hair as best I could and put it in a messy bun on my head then brushed my teeth. I sighed, looking in the mirror again as I threw on a comfortable house dress. I felt maybe 35% human now. 

My ovaries nearly exploded when I walked back into the living room and saw Lukas on the couch, half laying down and half propped up with Louie on his chest. His eyes were closed, and I had to wonder how freaking long I’d been gone. Couldn’t have been more than five minutes? Maybe ten?

Trying to be quiet I sat down on the couch and looked at Lukas’ feet. I wasn’t sure why my eyes went to them, maybe because most men I dated didn’t take care of them and were funky. But his looked freshly manicured and clean. Tattoo’d … of course. Where the hell were his shoes?

I didn’t remember closing my eyes, but when I woke up there was a blanket on me and I was warm and snuggly. I stretched and yawned--

“My baby,” I shouted, sheer panic hitting me. 

A hand squeezed my shoulder and I followed it to a smiling Lukas. 

“He’s over here in this little crib thing, seemed like you needed the sleep. I know I did,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

I practically flew off the couch and ran to the bassinet, I’d put one in the living room thinking I’d be able to get things done while he slept. My heart was still racing even though I tried to tell myself to calm down.

My eyes flicked to the clock on the wall, it was 10:45. Holy shit!

“Oh, I’m … well, thanks. Really, thanks,” I said, not knowing what else to say. 

My head didn’t hurt anymore, fuck I needed that sleep. 

“How long have you lived here,” he asked, falling on the couch casually, as if he was totally at home in my space.

“About six years,” I said, trying to compose myself. 

I knew Louie had to be wet and I was certain Lukas hadn't changed him since his swaddle still looked perfect. I grabbed a diaper and wipes and got to work.

“Six years? And we’ve never run into each other, weird don’t you think? I mean I see everybody in the garage,” he said. 

“You live here,” I asked, turning with a hand on my hip. He nodded and looked at me like I was stupid. 

Duh, you idiot, why else would he be here at freakin’ sunrise dressed like that. I just shrugged.

“You’re probably always on tour and I’m a workaholic. You don’t know how many nights I’ve slept on that couch in my office. Plus I come in the front and let someone park it for me, so that cuts down on the times I’m in there,” I said.

Louie stirred a bit but didn’t wake and I was grateful. He was actually wet but for whatever reason he didn’t care.

“I guess that makes sense. I never come in the front, too much exposure. But hey … so now that you have a kid you won’t stay here right? I mean you’ll need a house somewhere,” he said, just as I finished and began to swaddle him again. When I was done I turned around and gave him a stare.

“Why would I move, I own this place,” I scoffed.

It was the perfect location, it was secure. Had a beautiful gym and a pool. I absolutely loved living here and I worked damn hard to be able to get in. He got to his feet and came to stand in front of me. 

“You can’t stay here with a screaming kid. You had a baby, the rest of us didn’t,” he said, completely serious. I laughed right in his face.