5 - Secrets

~Holly’s Point of View~

What the fuck was I thinking getting naked in my ex-boyfriend’s pool?? Ugh. What if there are cameras?? 

Friggin’ idiot Holly. Not to mention leading him on. He … doesn’t even … live here!

Like it matters! I’m not getting back with Slade!

Thankfully he was a perfect gentleman when it was time to get out, he brought me a nice soft robe and didn’t even peek. I don’t think.

Of course I’m self conscious of my body, I’m no spring chicken. My boobs thankfully lasted pretty well over the years, I’m not a sagging granny yet but I definitely have a bit of a muffin top, cellulite on my ass. Years of running my ass off at the hospital but eating like a dump truck. Damn hospital fries and chicken tenders being so good are my downfall.

I was stupid to think he cared about my imperfections, he clearly didn’t. But knowing the kinds of women he’s probably been with and could have with a simple phone call if he wanted … yeah it made me self conscious.

Slade should absolutely be with a model, someone painfully beautiful that walks in tall shoes and knows all the designers. I tried to remember the women that had flocked to the ER when he and all the band came in injured. Were they normal?

The lead singer Jude and their guitarist Trey’s weddings had been broadcast on social media for all to see, it was pretty ridiculous. Both of their women looked picture perfect. Trey’s of course was jail bait but he always liked them young.

I had absolutely no idea what Slade’s “type” was, since we were together our entire adolescence, and then when we split I wasn’t around to see. I wanted to get my phone and g****e it, there has to be some photo of him with a woman.

He’s with a band, they likely go to all kinds of award shows, there’s no way he went alone every time.

“Whatever you’re thinking about … stop it, you’re giving me a headache,” I heard, nearly making me laugh. 

Slade always had a sixth sense with me. Happens when you spend every minute together for as long as we did.

The clock on the table said 9:15am, My sleep schedule was already so fucked from taking different shifts at the hospital, I basically slept whenever I could get it. I was laying on Slade’s chest, though he had on a sleeveless shirt. 

I however, was just in a giant Feisty t-shirt with nothing underneath. As soon as he got me into bed I passed out, feeling warm and safe. More content that I’d felt in a long time.

Even now, after everything … after I married another man … Slade felt like home. There was no denying it.

“How can I not have a million things on my mind? I’m waking up in your bed,” I whispered.

A hand began to run through my hair gently, it had to be a mess from swimming. I relaxed into it, remembering how much I loved him doing it. Really having his hands on me in any way. 

My mind roamed back to some of the last few conversations with Gene when he was near the end. He constantly told me he didn’t want me to mourn forever, he wanted me to move on, he knew I had good judgment and that I’d find a decent guy. But that wasn’t all he’d said and his words haunted me, especially now.

“I need to tell you something…” I trailed off.

I knew what I was about to say should be said face to face, but I was being a coward. How could I look Slade in the eye and tell him this? Say these words … that are so powerful? Once spoken, there’s no going back.

That’s how things ended for us fifteen years ago. We both said so many things we couldn’t take back. I blamed him, he blamed me. In the end I lost everything and everyone, except my mom. She was my only cheerleader, my only champion. Without her I would have probably gone to an extremely dark place. And now, she was gone too, having passed about four years ago.

How do you deal with losing everything you knew and keep going? At only 18 no less.

I felt him shifting a bit, he wanted to look me in the eye too, that much was obvious. I felt tears already welling in my eyes and wasn’t sure I’d have the guts to do this, but I should. They say if you want to get a real, true picture of yourself you should ask those around you to describe you. Or ask a child to draw your portrait, kids don’t lie or have a filter.

My Gene was like that. We had no secrets, ever. We were always extremely honest with each other and I told him up front one of the biggest reasons I needed that was because I felt Slade always kept things from me. We were only a year apart but I still felt like I was never his equal. He treated me like a kid sometimes, but maybe it was just being protective. 

Either way, once things took off with Feisty and he didn’t have as much time for me anymore, I felt so lost. The guys in the band filled that void a bit, especially Lukas. We were very close. Always writing music, eating … the boy could eat.

I should have known then that our relationship couldn’t weather the storm. He needed to go find whatever he was searching for … validation that he could run with the big dogs perhaps.

I finally sat up, crossing my legs and pulling the huge t-shirt around them. He sat up too, leaning against the headboard. It was clear he still favored his shoulder but tried to hide it. You can’t hide pain from a nurse, I know it when I see it.

“So… you know my husband passed this year I guess…” I trailed off.

He was Slade, he knew everything all the time. I had no doubt he’d dug into my life. But I didn’t know what all he knew. Certainly not what I was about to drop on him.

A lot of people reach a “piss or get off the pot” moment in their relationship, well I was pushing that to be front and center. No hiding from it. Either we want to overcome the past and try this or we don’t. 

“Yeah I heard,” he said, kind of leaving it at that.

I was actually glad he didn’t give me some forced or fake sympathy like literally everyone else does.

“Well from the time we found out he even had cancer until the end it was only four months. Not long at all. Certainly not long enough for Chase to have with him. Gene tried so damn hard too, not to let things be different. To still be at every baseball game, be at every event. He didn’t want Chase’s friends to pity him either, he didn’t want us to become some charity case. He started telling me right away he didn’t want me to be alone. Hell, I’ve only been with you and him, never even looked at anyone else really…” I said, now with full tears in my eyes.

He reached for my hand and held it. I could tell he wanted to say that I didn’t have to tell him what I was going to tell him, but I had to get it out.

“Right at the end, actually he passed on a Friday and this was… Tuesday. Yeah. We were watching Judge Judy, he loved to yell at the people about how stupid they were…” I said, smiling a bit, remembering him wagging his finger at the TV all the time.

Gene was a few years older than me, and while some people had thoughts on a 19 year old marrying, (they all thought I was knocked up) if you spent even five minutes with us it was clear how in love we were. Age was just a number and nothing else.

But I never questioned the “type” of love I had with him. Not until that day in the hospital.

“So… he started in again about how I shouldn’t waste time mourning him. He’d been telling me that for months at that point. He said I should get back out there and date. I laughed at him and told him he was ridiculous. But then he took my hand and got serious. He looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘Holly I know you love me. I’ve never doubted that for a second. But I know that I’m not the love of your life and I made peace with that a long time ago. If you ever see him again and there’s a chance … if you both still feel the same, you’d be a fool not to take it.’ Yeah, my dying husband said that to me,” I said, looking up at Slade.

His face was one of shock, surprise but also … clearly he was flattered maybe? 

“I have no secrets with Chase either. We ran into Todd at the store awhile back and it kind of jolted me. This was before Gene passed. But I felt like I had to tell him, he was old enough to understand. He knows about it all,” I said, sighing.

Why did I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders? 

“And he doesn’t … hate me,” he asked, taking me a bit by surprise. I laughed right out loud.

“No. I made it clear to him that it was both of our faults. That we both blew it up. He knows about the baby too, that I lost the baby,” I said, as a tear fell off my face and onto our joined hands.