Chapter 2

The bar Paige had picked was three blocks from the restaurant, small and warm and exactly the kind of place that anyone could walk into with tears in their eyes or not.

Paige let her sit there until she was ready to talk. Paige was a good friend and didn't push her, knowing she would talk when she was ready. She was on her third drink before she said it out loud.

"I think it might actually be my fault."

Paige, who had been sipping her first drink because she was driving, stopped with the glass halfway to her mouth to look at Willow with shock in her eyes. "Say that again." She put the drink back on the table without taking a sip. Willow had the feeling she wanted to slam it down.

"The thing he said. About me being pathetic in bed." Willow turned her glass on the coaster. "I think there might be something to it."

Paige put down the napkin. "Willow."

"I'm serious. I have told you about my parents. Church every Sunday, no boys at the house, and a talk about the birds and the bees that was basically just a pamphlet and a very pointed look. Sex before marriage was a mortal sin against God." She picked up her drink. "I wasn't exactly set up for success in that department." In any department of life. Her father believed women should be in the home, answering to a man's beck and call. He hadn't understood her need for a career when he had her husband all picked out for her. Escaping had been her only option. She hadn't looked back after packing her bags and escaping out the window one week before her eighteenth birthday. But she'd never told anyone her history, not even Paige.

"Your parents being conservative doesn't make you bad in bed. And in my opinion, not right. Screw what your parents think. That belief went out with the dark ages. Men are like cars. You need to test drive them first to make sure you aren't getting a dud. Mark was your first lover. It's his job to make sure you know what you're doing. So if anyone is pathetic in bed, it's him."

"I'm not so sure my parents didn't influence me." She wasn't being self-pitying. She was being logical, which felt worse somehow. "I grew up thinking that wanting anything was something to be ashamed of. That good girls didn't. That the whole thing was something you endured rather than enjoyed." She paused. "I think I might still believe that a little. And Mark has picked up on it."

Paige was quiet for a moment. Then she leaned in so only Willow could hear.

"How long have you and Mark been sleeping together?" Paige asked.

Willow blushed, never having talked about this with Paige before. "Since about three months in. So nearly two years."

"And in nearly two years, has it ever been good?"

Willow considered the question. It felt good, and she enjoyed it. "It's been fine."

"Fine," Paige repeated.

"Fine. Like, it wasn't bad." She stopped. She looked around the bar, making sure no one was listening. "I don't know."

Paige picked up her drink and took a long sip. Her expression was almost murderous. She was not entirely succeeding. She looked down at the table for a moment as if calming herself.

"Has Mark ever, and I want you to think carefully before you answer this," Paige said, "made sure you were actually enjoying yourself? Like, specifically. On purpose. Does he go down on you?"

She was not answering that question. "He's not inconsiderate."

Paige clearly wasn't happy with her answer. "That is not what I asked."

Willow opened her mouth. Closed it. "He tries."

"Willow."

"It's fine, Paige. It's not like I've given him a lot to work with. I freeze up. I get in my own head, and I can't stop thinking, and I stop enjoying myself." She waved a hand.

Paige set her glass down. "Okay. New question, and I need you to be honest with me."

"When am I not honest with you?"

"Have you ever actually had an orgasm?"

Willow sucked in a breath at that question, making her look around again to make sure they were alone before leaning in closer to answer.

"Yes," she said. Then, a beat later, "I think so."

Paige stared at her.

"I mean, I'm fairly sure I have."

"You're fairly sure."

"It's not like there's a certificate or a cookie that appears to congratulate you on your orgasm, is there? Or did I miss the memo?" Slightly upset with the questioning now.

"Oh, honey." Paige's voice was the gentlest it had been all night, which somehow made it worse. "If you're that unsure, then the answer is no. You haven't. Because trust me on this, you would know. There would be no thinking about it. There would be no fairly sure. You would know the way you know your own name."

Willow stared at her glass. Only ice sat in the bottom. Willow raised her hand to order another drink from the waitress. She had a feeling she was going to need it. When the waitress asked Paige if she wanted another, Paige shook her head. "No thanks, I'm driving." Willow gave her the money for her drink and a tip.

They waited until the server was gone, then Paige turned back to eye her.

"That's two years," Paige confirmed. "And I'm going to go ahead and say it again. It's not your conservative upbringing. That is a Mark Callahan problem."

"Or it's both." Willow sat back. "Maybe I've spent so long being taught that wanting things is wrong that I shut it down before it gets anywhere. And Mark, whatever else he is, can't be expected to fix that on his own. I'm not exactly making it easy for him. This is a problem I need help with, and he can't teach me."

Paige looked like she had something she really wanted to say about Mark but held her tongue. Just. She shook her head as if clearing the words away. "I think Mark is a jerk of the highest order, and I don't believe for one second this is your fault. But." She held up a finger. "I will grant you that if you're spending the whole time in your own head, that's not helping anyone."

"So what do I do?"

"Well." Paige picked up her drink. "You could break up with him. Find someone who's a better teacher. I mean, his brother Reid looks like a man who knows what to do with a woman's body. All night long."

"Paige."

The server came back with Willow's drink, and she took a long swallow.

"Hey, what can I say? Any woman in their right mind would love to test drive that man. I wouldn't be upset if he chose to spend a night in my bed."

"Paige, please. That's my CEO and Mark's brother." Drinking, glad she wasn't driving tonight.

"I know, I know. Not what you want to hear." She waved a hand. "Okay. Different angle. What would it take for you to actually let go? Like, not think about it, not perform it, just actually be present for it."

Willow thought about that. Really thought about it. "Control, maybe. If I was the one driving it, I think I'd be less in my head. Less waiting for something to happen and more making it happen."

"So take control."

"I can't just do that."

"Why not?"

"Because." She stopped. "I don't know. I have never made the first move."

"It's your relationship, Willow. You're allowed to have a preference." Paige leaned forward on her elbows. "Here is what I think you should do, and I say this as your best friend and the person who believes Mark Callahan does not deserve you at all but is still willing to help despite that. Go to him tonight. Don't call ahead. Let yourself in. You have a key. Take the wheel for once. Don't give yourself time to think about it. Don't overthink the approach. Just go."

Willow looked down at her now empty glass, realizing she had drunk the thing already. "I've had four drinks."

"So you've had four drinks, which means you're relaxed enough to stop overthinking and sober enough to remember it." Paige tilted her head. "Maybe think about having one more. We have time if he's at the office anyway."

Willow looked at her. "I'll be on the floor."

"No, you won't. One more won't kill you."

"I'm not sure I can do this, Paige. Play the seductress, no matter how many drinks I have."

Paige pointed at her. "Stop. Yes, you can. I know you, Willow."

Willow was quiet for a moment. "What if I get there and lose my nerve?"

"Don't turn the lights on," Paige said simply. "Darkness is very forgiving of nerves. And if he can't see your face, you can't see his, and you're not performing for anyone. You're just there."

It was not the worst advice she'd ever been given. She wasn't sure it was the best either.

"And if it still doesn't work?" she said.

Paige picked up her glass and clinked it against Willow's empty one. "Then at least you'll know you tried. And then we revisit the break-up conversation." She raised her brows. "But Willow, it's going to work. Because the problem was never you. But a few drinks should help you do your bit, and Mark needs to step up to the plate."

What did she have to lose? Because if things didn't change between her and Mark, Paige was right. The next conversation might just be about them breaking up.

"Okay," she said.

Paige grinned. It was the grin she used when she already knew how something was going to end and was choosing not to say so. "Just make sure you ride him hard."

"Don't make it weird."

"Too late." Paige signaled the bartender. "We're doing one more round, and then I'm putting you in a cab. And Willow." She waited until she had her full attention. "Stop apologizing for wanting things. You're allowed."