PROLOGUE

I woke up coughing and spitting out the seawater coming from the inside of me.

Ang mapait na tubig dagat ay pilit kong ibinubuga para lamang makahinga ng maayos. I didn't mind whatever is happening around me, all I wanted is to breathe.

The last thing I remembered, was a sinking ship and I am fighting for my life.

Paano ito nangyari? Hindi ko din alam.

Then it all started when;

"What is this again kuya?" I asked him. I am very tempted to remove my blindfold.

Ito kasing kuya ko, daming alam.

"Hang in there, you're inside your room." he's holding my hand, guiding me para hindi ako madulas o mabunggo. He's very gentle.

Maraming taon na ang lumipas. Ilang pagsusubok at problema na dumating. Araw, gabi, oras, segundo, minu-minuto ang kuya ko ang kasama ko.

Our parents died since we were little. My brother was the one who stood up for me when I was down, lost, and whenever I feel like the world betrayed me for a lifetime.

I somehow regret and blamed myself for everything that happened to them, but never did I once heard my brother spit words that could and would possibly hurt me.

Naging mabuting Kuya siya sa akin. Ni minsan, hindi siya nagkulang sa pag gabay. He never made me feel that I am alone. He never made me feel that I am being left out.

In his every decision, I am included. In his every transaction, I was there.

He is always here.

"In a minute," he whispered that made me come back to my senses.

"Now," he said as a cue for me to remove the thing that is blocking my sight.

"What is this?" I asked when I saw two papers on my bed.

Kinuha ko ito pero agad niya ding kinuha sa kamay ko.

"Nah, you can't see where we'll be going but these are tickets." he told me. Iwinagayway pa siya ang dalawang papel sa harapan ko.

Daming pakulo tss. Pabiro ko siyang hinampas ng unan ko at tinawanan niya lang ako. He looked excited. Mas na eexcite pa nga ata siya keysa sa akin.

Naupo siya sa gilid ko saka niyakap ako ng mahigpit. He seems so happy.

"What is this for?" I asked him out of nowhere. I think I knew it already but I still should ask him. Baka mali ang iniisip ko. Baka mali ang hinala ko.

Sana nga mali nalang.

"Dwyn," kalma niyang tinawag ang pangalan ko.

He knew where this is coming.

Years had already passed, nothing has ever changed. He never stopped trying to pursue or do something that I don't like.

The trauma is still here. I'm afraid. I'm scared. I almost lose everyone, I can't afford to lose my Kuya that's why I'm being careful.

Things may suck up again. I feel like I'm cursed. Oh no, I'm really cursed.

"Just tell me, kuya!" hindi ko na napigilang masigawan siya.

"I just wanted to make your birthd-" he didn't finished because I cut him off.

"No! How many times do I have to tell you? I don't want it!" sigaw ko sa kanya.

I'm so frustrated. I don't know what to do. Every year ganto nalang lagi. I don't want to celebrate my birthday because as much as I want to, I can't help but to overthink that something bad might happen.

I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to lose him as well.

"There's nothing wrong if we will try Dwyn." mahinahong sabi niya sa akin.

Ilang taon pa ba? Ilang taon pa ba ang kailangan lumipas para makalimutan ko ang lahat? Ilang taon pa ba ang lilipas bago ko ma enjoy ang kaarawan ko?

"You don't understand," sabi ko. My tears are already on my eyes' edges.

"I am doing everything to understand you Dwyn, but not all the time it's just you who needs to be understood." he told me like he's very disappointed.

I spent more than half of my life not celebrating my birthday because for me, it's a curse.

"I need space kuya," I begged him.

That's a cue for him to stand and get out of my room but before that, he said something.

"You can't and you won't get over the past if you keep on remembering and bringing up everything Dwyn. Sometimes you just got to accept it and move on. Some things are meant to stay, and gone." he wiped his tears.

I never saw him like that. I never saw him cry, nor shed a single tear. When our parents died, he was there to comfort me but I never saw him mourn over our parents' death. He's always putting me first.

Maybe he's right. Maybe I should try.

But I wished I never did.

"Kapitan, buhay siya!" I automatically came back to my senses. Madami akong narinig na sigaw ng mga tao malapit sa akin.

Napadapa ako para mas madali sa aking ilabas ang kung ano mang pwede kong ilabas sa aking bibig.

Parang nagkakagulo sila pero heto ako, umuubo parin at pilit na inilalabas ang tubig saka sumisinghap ng hangin habang hawak hawak ang aking d****b tila ba iniinda ang sakit doon.

I felt someone rub my back to help me. Hindi ko iyon kilala dahil hindi ko siya pinagtuonan ng pansin.

Nang nakahinga na ako ng maluwag, napayakap ako sa sahig. I feel so tired. Medyo masakit din ang paa ko dahil sa nangyari kanina.

Woah, that was intense.

Until I remembered the voices earlier.

Dahan-dahan akong umupo at agad kong inimulat ang aking mata, I froze.

I saw one... wait no, not only one but many man in front of me. Nagkatitigan kaming lahat. Inilibot ko ang paningin ko at ni isa, wala akong nakitang babae.

They were looking at me like I'm a prey. Or were they curious? Lahat sila ay naka itim. Itim na damit, pantalon, sapatos at pati sumbrero! They look like a, pirate!

Late na ang reaction ko, I know but I still shouted in horror because they were smiling at me and walking near me!

They looked awe seeing me there like a wet chicken, ready to be toasted.

"No, no! Stop, right there!" sigaw ko sa kanila, trying to scare them away even though I look like a scared, wet, and small rat.

"Out of the way." I heard someone say. His voice is cold that could freeze you.

Those man in front of me gave way to someone behind them. I hugged me knees and hid my face in horror knowing that this could be the end of me.

"What's the plan Captain?" I heard someone asked. It's the kid who rubbed my back when I was coughing.

Are they going to kill me? Abduct me? Sell my organs? Make me their slave? Feed me in this ocean full of sharks and other scary sea creatures?

"Ask her," sagot ulit ng taong may malamig na boses.

His voice sounded familiar. Parang narinig ko na noon pero hindi ko alam kung saan, at kailan.

Pinakiramdaman ko ang paligid. Parang may lumapit sa akin at lumuhod ito sa harapan ko.

"Miss?"

"No, dont touch me." I told him softly. Nanatili akong nakayuko dahil sa takot.

Para akong kawawa. Where's my kuya?

"But you have to make a choice, what do you want to happen?" he asked me again.

And then I remembered what happened earlier.

I was inside this cruise ship with kuya but then the ship started sinking and we don't know what's the reason.

We were struggling to survive but my kuya couldn't make it, and can't do anything to save him.

"We're going to get you out of here, Dwyn. Not only me." pagmamatigas niya.

Mabilis ang paglubog ng barko. I can't help but to panic thinking that this might be the end of me.

"Just save yourself kuya! Tumataas na ang tubig!" sigaw ko sa kanya habang pilit na kinukuha ang paa kong naipit sa nasirang parte ng barko.

"If you die, I die!" sigaw niya pabalik sa akin.

He sacrificed himself for me. If he didn't tried to get me out, buhay pa siguro siya ngayon.

I told him! I told him to stop trying because everytime I try, I never fucking succeed!

Agad na namuo ang galit sa akin. Stupid Dwyn! You're a swimmer but when it comes to survival times like that you're being stupid?

And I'm back at it again, blaming myself.

Just like what happened years ago, on the day of my birthday, someone left me again. And this time, I am now all alone.

"Maybe she got no plans with her life, throw her out." agad ako natauhan nang narinig ko ulit na nagsalita ang lalaking may malamig na boses.

Plans? What plans do I have to plot out when I got no one?

"Are you sure Captain?" tanong sa kanya ng taong nasa harapan ko.

"When am I not sure about my orders Junger?" the man with the cold voice who's supposed to be the captain said.

"Uhh miss... you need to get off the ship." he politely said na para bang kinakausap niya ang babasagin na baso.

Dahan-dahan kong iniangat ang aking ulo para tignan ang sitwasyon. May batang lalaki na nakaluhod sa harapan ko at may mga tao sa likuran niya pero napako ang mata ko sa nakakabighaning lalaki sa aking harapan.

"She's wasting our time, throw her. We have a journey to finish." sabi ng Kapitan nila.

Journey. Maybe this is where I belong. I live in this world questioning why I deserve that. Why do I deserve to suffer.

This time, I don't know how I got here but maybe this is what faith is trying to make me realise. Maybe this time I can make this right, but I am afraid of trying.

"Now!" sigaw niya sa mga kasama noong walang gumalaw sa kanila.

"You can't and you won't get over the past if you keep on remembering everything Dwyn. Sometimes you just got to accept it and move on. Some things are meant to stay, and gone."

I remembered my Kuya's words.

Does that mean he's part of my past now? A past that I'm supposed to forget? But how? How am I supposed to do that when I'm still stuck?

"No! Wait!" dali dali akong gumapang papunta sa kanya saka hinawakan ang kanyang bota nang akma siyang aalis.

"What do you want?" he asked me the same question that they're yearning an answer for.

I stared at him. He look flawless. He's wearing all black like the other but he stood up. Bagay nga sa kanya maging Kapitan. He look deadly gorgeous.

If looks could kill, I'm probably a cold corpse right now.

"I want to join." I told him using my coldest voice. I don't know if I covered that up and I hope I did.

Kasi ayoko nang kaawaan. Ayokong palagi nalang sila nag aadjust para sa akin.

I have to learn standing on my own, because the ocean is never still and you can't stop the waves, but you can go with it.

I am Arwaa Dwyn Adair, no wave can stop me from trying.