Curiosity or concern

We left the hospital around 8pm after I was given a lot of instructions on how to go about my day so I wouldn't have issues with my pregnancy. I also ran some more tests but I was told I would get the result tomorrow.

The ride home from the hospital felt like a nightmare. Every bump sent a jolt of pain through my lower abdomen. I clutched my stomach as I stared down at it.

I was pregnant and although It felt strange, it was kind of a dream come true and it also felt like I was being tied to a sinking ship. I looked out at the streetlights as they blurred, my reflection in the window looked pale and tired. How was I going to raise it on my own?

​"Ma'am? We're here," Elaine said.

​I looked up to my prison as my legs remained still. My only goal was to get to the guest room, grab my already packed suitcase and disappear. The anniversary was tomorrow, but I couldn't wait that long. Not anymore.

Elaine helped me to the door, I told both her and the gardener not to follow me inside. I thanked them and made them promise not to say a word about this to anyone, not even Jamie.

They agreed and left. 

​As I pushed open the front door and stepped in, it felt strangely weird. As if someone was there. The light didn't turn on automatically so I went for the switch. 

As soon as they turned on, I saw Jamie. He was back already. He stood in the foyer dressed in the tuxedo I hadn't ironed—now perfectly pressed. He looked furious. 

​He didn't ask where I had been. He didn't ask why I looked like I’d been dragged through a war zone. He didn't even notice i was on the verge of crying. 

​"You're two hours late," he said.

​"What?"

​"The Gala, Alexandria. Don't play stupid. I left a note. The car was supposed to pick us up at seven sharp." He started to walk towards me, "I had to call the organizers and tell them my wife was indisposed. Do you have any idea how that looks? Do you know the rumors that start when I show up alone to my own charity event? Without my partner?" 

​I stared at him, as a hysterical laugh bubbled up in my throat. Oh, I wasn't even a wife, I was a partner. 

I had almost lost our child. I had bled out in the dirt while he was worrying about a stupid gala. And here he was, scolding me like a truant schoolgirl.

​"The Gala," I whispered in my trembling voice. "I forgot, Jamie. I... I had an emergency."

​"An emergency?" He scoffed, his gaze raked over my oversized sweatshirt and messy hair with disgust. "What emergency? Did you run out of books to read? Did you find another way to rebel against me by looking like a vagrant in my own home?"

​"I was at the hospital," I said. I didn't try to hide how upset I was.

​"The hospital? For what? Another one of your headaches? Or is this a new play for attention, Alex? Because if it is, it’s pathetic. Even for you."

My anger was rising as well as how hurt i felt. My eyes tingled as a tear tried to escape. but I refused to let them fall. Not in front of him.

​"I was bleeding, Jamie," I said, walking closer to him until I could smell the aftershave on him. "I collapsed in the garden. Elaine called you four times. Four times! And you didn't answer."

​"I was in a meeting." he snapped back, his voice rising for the first time. "I told you, my phone stays with Sarah during meetings. If it was truly important, she would have told me."

​"Sarah," I said her name in disgust. "Of course. Your best friend. Well, she didn't think her best friend's wife dying on the lawn was important enough to interrupt your precious meeting."

​Jamie reached out and grabbed my upper arm. It wasn't painful, but it sure did sting as I had just passed through a lot of pain. "You didn't die, Alexandria. You’re standing right here, throwing a tantrum because i didn't answer one phone call. You want to talk about importance? That Gala represented ten percent of our annual philanthropic branding. My reputation is built on stability. And you? You’re acting like a liability."

​"Is that all I am to you?" I yelled as my voice cracked. "A liability? A brand asset? I’m your wife! I was in a hospital bed while you were sipping champagne and shaking hands!"

​"You're my wife when it suits the occasion," Jamie whispered, leaning down until his face was inches from mine. "Right now, you’re a disappointment. You had one job tonight: stand by my side, and look beautiful. You couldn't even manage that."

​I looked at him and I saw a stranger. I saw the monster he had become. I wanted to tell him the reason I was in the hospital, I wanted to scream at him.

​I'm carrying your child, you heartless bastard! I wanted to howl it at him. I wanted to see the shock on his face.

​But I stopped.

​If I told him now, I would never get out. He wouldn't care about it, he would force me to abort it.

​I couldn't let him know. Not yet.

​"I'm going to bed," I said in a cold tone. I pulled my arm out of his grip.

​"We aren't finished," Jamie said, stepping in front of the stairs. "You're going to apologize. And tomorrow, for the anniversary dinner, you will be there an hour early. No excuses. No emergencies. If I have to drag you to the restaurant myself, I will."

​"Fine," I said, staring at his tie. "Whatever you want, Jamie. Just let me pass."

​He searched my face, looking for the usual signs of yielding, the soft apology he was used to. He didn't find any. It seemed to bother him more than the shouting did. He stepped aside, but his eyes still remained on me.

​"You look pale," he muttered curiously or out of concern but I choose curiously. He had never been concerned about me. "Go to sleep. I don't want you looking like a ghost for the photos tomorrow."

​I walked up the stairs, my heart pounding against my ribs. I didn't go to our bedroom. I went straight to the guest room and locked the door.

​I sank onto the floor, my back against the wood, and finally let the tears come. I touched my stomach, feeling the tiny life inside that didn't know yet what kind of father it had.

​I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

​Downstairs, I heard the front door slam. Jamie was leaving again. Probably to find Sarah. Probably to find a drink. I didn't care.

​I stood up and went to the back of the closet, pulling out the suitcase. I checked my passport, my burner phone, and the cash I had been hiding for months. I had intended to wait for the anniversary dinner to leave the note, but the pregnancy changed everything.

​I spent the next three hours writing whatever came to my mind. I detailed every slight, every cold night, and the fact that I was leaving him not because I stopped loving him, but because I finally loved myself more.

​But I didn't mention the baby. That was my secret to keep.

​By 3:00 AM, there was no sign of Jamie. He hadn't returned. I stood by the window, watching the moonlight as it shined in the garden where I had fallen earlier that day.

​"I'm sorry baby" I whispered, touching my stomach.