Chapter 3

*Trigger warning - mature content present going forwards*

I knew that Ryan was expecting me to somehow snap back to normal today, a part of me missed his closeness, because when things were good, they were great, but I just couldn’t deal with it when it wasn’t. I was being hard enough on myself as it was, that any of his failed expectations of me seemed impossible to deal with. 

I saw his black sports car pull up from my window, with his blonde hair perfectly positioned as usual, but to my surprise he was getting out and came to ring the doorbell. Usually he just sits out front and either texts me or honks to let me know he’s here, maybe this new caring side of him that surfaced the past few months would actually stick around.  I took in a deep breath as I grabbed my bag and prepared my ‘fake it till you make it’ face, before I opened the door. 

“Hey baby,” Ryan’s voice was trying to be soft and sultry, and his hands were somehow already on my waist as he pulled me in for a hug, “I missed you,” he rested his forehead on mine and I could feel his breath fall over my lips.

“I missed you too,” I whispered as I closed the gap between our lips. I thought he would feel like an intrusion on my personal space, and maybe it was because I felt slightly numb to everything, but it didn’t feel like that. I found myself feeling like I genuinely missed him and the way his hands would wrap around my back and face to draw me in closer to him.

I heard Dez clear his throat from behind us, causing Ryan to take a step back and slide his hand down my arm, holding onto my hand as I turned to face him. 

“Hey Dez, what’s up man?” Ryan’s voice was always cocky but it seemed tentative this morning. 

“Just headed to work,” Dez sounded unimpressed, “make sure she makes it to school, yea?” Dez looked my way as he grabbed his keys, “I’ll be at work until later, but I left openings in my day in case you need a ride home, just text me,” he kissed the side of my face, and made sure we left the house in front of him, before locking the door. 

Once we were in the car I couldn’t help but stare at Ryan, he was holding my hand as we drove, just like he did the first time we drove to school as a couple. He was incredibly sweet to me at times, maybe this was his way of reassuring me that we were still ok, that nothing had changed between us. 

“I really did miss you, thanks for being so… understanding through all of this,” I smiled at him, causing his own smile to spread farther. His pale blue eyes were focused on the road, but I found myself longing for them to be on me again. 

“Baby,” he squeezed my hand, “you know I’d do anything for you. I’m just glad you’re taking this step, Jane and Matt are gonna be excited to see you too.” 

It wasn’t long after he mentioned them that we were pulling up in front of Matt’s house. He was on the football team with Ryan, and Jane lived a few doors down from him, so they all grew up together. I have only been here for three years, longer than any other place we stayed at, but they never made me feel like I was an outsider. 

As they got into the back they greeted me, but it was different somehow, awkward I’m sure because of me. When we got to school we had to part ways for classes, I had a meeting with the guidance counsellor over lunch, but met with Ryan after school, taking my normal place on the bleachers as I watched him run the track. 

He always had something going on after school, it was either something sports based, or just extra training he put himself through. He was determined to get scholarships so that he could go to a good university, one that would get him connections, and eventually be a doctor for a sports team. 

I missed running, and being active in general, it was always so therapeutic in the way that I could clear my head and try to make sense of things that were going on. Ryan finished up and ran over, wiping his face down with a towel before he pulled me into him.

“You’re a sweaty mess,” I giggled at him and tried to push him away playfully. 

“I’ll make you a sweaty mess too, don’t worry babe,” he grabbed the back of my neck and brought me in for a kiss, but he tried to deepen the kiss immediately, so I pulled away from him. 

“No thanks,” I smiled and pushed him back from getting his sweat all over me, “you’re sweaty enough for the both of us.”

“You should come for a run with me tomorrow,” his voice was a little stiffer now.

“I don’t know, I’m just not ready for everything all at once,” I knew what he was aiming for.

“Come on babe, think about it ok? You don’t want to quit exercising all together and gain more weight, do you?” His words instantly hurt, but I covered it up and just nodded at him like I understood. 

Gain more weight. I wasn’t overweight, at least I didn’t think so, but now maybe I should reevaluate myself when I get home.  Without any other words between us on the drive home, I kissed his cheek as we pulled up to the house and I went inside. 

I climbed into the shower and let the hot water run over me as I thought about how I got here with Ryan. We were in a rocky place before my dad died, so I wasn’t sure why I thought anything would have changed. He expected me to come back the same, but I wasn’t, and I didn’t want to fall back into old habits. 

Going for runs was how it started, we’d go for a run after school and end up back at his place, alone. He’d ask me to shower with him, and when I continued to deny him, it would spiral into an argument or unspoken tension between us. After a while, he would start to ask for things after he got out of the shower, trying to force situations on me that I wasn’t ready for, but after a few months the arguing got old, so I agreed to give him head. 

I thought it was a good compromise, and even though I didn’t particularly enjoy it, it salvaged our relationship for a bit. Things escalated quickly after that, our make out sessions got more intense, and he would let his hand wander places I never agreed to. When I would tell him to stop, he would make a joke about me playing hard to get, and equate his touches with how much he loved me. 

Then, it happened. Everything happened so fast, and yet so slow, one minute we were kissing, and the next he was pulling my underwear off from under my dress. He was in sweats so it wasn’t hard for him to position himself and I could hear my voice trying to tell him I wasn’t ready, but he just told me to trust him and left no time to argue before he was already inside of me. 

I blocked most of it out after that, it felt wrong, but he was happy, and I wanted us to be happy. The problem was that after we had sex once, he started to expect it every time we were alone, and would become angry if I told him no. 

It seemed like he always wanted more, and I was starting to realize that he would never be happy with me and who I was, and I couldn’t stomach having to go through anymore of his unwanted attention. I almost worked up the courage to dump him, but then we got the news about dad, and I couldn’t bear to lose anything else.