CHAPTER TWO

7:43 p.m

I’m sitting at the tiny table next to my bed when a notification pops up my screen.

BRITTS: we’re going out for drinks. Get ready. Don’t say no.

ME: no.

BRITTS: you need a drink. We’re going to drive past soon. Wear something dangerous.

What does that even mean? Dangerous. I stare at my laptop screen in front of me. I’ve been sitting here for the past one hour trying to get this paper done, but the only thing I’ve successfully accomplished is typing in the heading, a few lines and smiling at cute dog videos my phone. Maybe I do need a drink.

BRITTS: hello? You’re going to regret this. There’s going to be a lot of drinks and horny guys.

ME: okay. I’ll get ready  

BRITTS: love you. See you soon.

I rummage through my closet over and over again trying to find something fitting Brittany’s dress code. Finally, I land on a black leather dress, the only one here that’s short enough to be considered dangerous. I pair it with ankle boots I haven’t worn in months, hoping they still know how to make me look like I have my shit together. A tiny black purse hangs off my shoulder, barely big enough to hold my nerves. I cover my bare shoulders with a black leather jacket and take a look at myself in the mirror, my hair is curved around my face in small waves. I'm contemplating whether or not to put on lipgloss when I hear the car horn.

                                  ____

“When i said get fucked by anyone, I didn’t mean an old man”

Brittany downs the rest of her dirty martini.

“He’s not old,” i roll my eyes. “And I wasn’t thinking that way. I was just curious.” 

“Yeah but he’s a professor. And you were sniffing around him like a dog” she turns to the bartender, “can we get a round of shots please”. 

I shake my head. “You’re not helping, Britts”

“Lovie I don’t know what to tell you for real. The man caught you drooling at him. You’re even hungrier than I thought.” She laughs. 

“Well he was kinda hot” I smile at the thought, running my finger over the rim of the empty glass.

“God, you’re so down bad” She shakes her head as the bartender slides four tequila shots toward us, complete with lime wedges and salt. Her fingers brush his, and she flashes him a sultry smile.

He smirks. “This one’s on the house.” 

“Thank you” she purrs.

“You should divert that energy to that guy” she signals towards a guy with long hair standing with a drink in the distance. “He’s been staring at you for a while now”. she quickly throws back two glasses without an expression. “You’ve been single for a while Lovie. You deserve this”

“I don’t know,” I stare across the room and meet his eyes but quickly look away. “I’m over Brian I swear”

Brittany narrows her eyes. “You sure about that?”

“Yeah.” I pause. “I mean—he was safe. Boring. But he was my safe space, you know.”

She snorts.

“But after the crash… and my dad died, I just wanted someone who wouldn’t disappear. Brian was there. Until he wasn’t.”

Brittany goes quiet for a moment, and I can feel her watching me.

“Anyway,” I wave it off. “I’m not trying to get serious with anyone. Especially not a professor."

“Yeah I know. That’s why you need someone to fuck whatever memory that’s left of all this trauma out your brain.” She dabs the shot glass against her tongue, making sure it’s completely empty. “I don’t want to hear weird sounds coming from your room tonight” she laughs.

“Don’t worry I’ll sleep in your bed” I tease.

“Eww.” She sticks out her tongue, pretending to be irritated. “I have my eyes on that one” she motions at a group of guys dancing.

“Which one?”

“All of them.” She says without looking at me, throwing a wink their way. They smile back and wave her over. “That’s my cue. She bites her lower lip.

“Brittany…”

“Here comes your one night stand. Gotta go.” she leaves as the long haired guy begins to approach the bar. I pretend not to notice him and throw back the remaining two shots , the tequila scorches the way down my throat.

“Wanna dance?”

The center of the bar is packed, colorful lights bounce around the floors, off the bodies of the people swaying to the pulsing beat. He didn’t ask my name, I didn’t ask his either, we just moved our bodies to the beat. “You’re pretty” he glances at my chest and licks his lips, his arm on my waist shoves me closer into him. I allow myself to feel the music and sway my hips slowly, joining his rhythm.

“The prettiest I’ve ever seen”.

He gathers my hair and slides it over one shoulder, exposing my neck to bury his face in it. I throw my head back, letting him take in the notes of vanilla in my lotion.

“God you’re so hot” he breathes against my skin and moves his lips to mine, taking them in his mouth before I can catch my breath. I wish he’d let me savor the moment, he’s not like what i’m used to. He shoves me even closer into him and grabs a handful of my ass, rough and firm. A warning bell rings in the back of my mind, but the tequila muddles it into something distant. This is real life Elowen, I remind myself, dream men only exist in dreams for a reason, I can’t compare the two. He moves his body closer into mine and I can feel him harden through his jeans.  “Let’s get out of here” he whispers into my ear. “I’ve got a nice pair of pink ones,” he nibbles on my lobe “just for you”

“What ?” I move back to look at him. 

“Bunny ears. You’re going to look so perfect tied up” he traces his fingers around my ear, a dirty smile plastered to his face. “My perfect little rabbit.”

“What?” I ask again, for lack of words. I try to say something more, but the alcohol attacks my thoughts.

“What, you don’t like a little fun?” He steps back to look at me and laugh. “What are you into then, handcuffs?”

“What- I mean Im not-“ I pull his hand away from me and shake my head. He looks genuinely confused. Like I’ve just said something he’s never heard before. “I have to go..” I manage to let out. 

I need to leave. My head is heavy all of a sudden. Maybe I shouldn’t have drank so much. 

 “Seriously?” He calls behind me as i walk away. “Come on.”

I stumble through the crowd and towards the door, rummaging through my bag for my phone, heart playing jumping jacks in my chest. For a moment, I get a whiff of that strange smell again, but I’m tipsy and my senses are blurry.

What could he possibly be doing here, why would a professor be in a bar full of college students.

You’re imagining things EIowen. 

I scan my eyes across the room but find no trace of him. I just need to get home right now. I manage to type in my address and get a ride.

Standing outside in the cold night, I contemplate going back inside for my jacket and find Brittany, but I couldn’t be bothered with running into him again or anyone else. I cross my arms against the cold, the leather dress doing nothing to shield me from the chill, or the shame biting beneath my skin. The ride says six minutes. I stare down the busy street, breathing hard, the tequila still burning in my veins. 

I had come out to feel something, anything—but all I feel now is regret and the lack of confidence to even do anything. My breath comes in quick bursts, the streetlights blurring into streams as I blink away tears.