Chapter 12 - In The End, I Followed My Heart

One night while tending to my wrists, Damian asked about my bipolar. I told him that one of my ex-boyfriends was abusive, but I didn’t tell him that I was, well, gang-raped. I had only told Rai about it. I didn’t want others to know, not even my family. Damian froze when he heard that I had been abused for months by my ex-boyfriend.

“That bastard.” Anger filled his voice. He was so angry that he unconsciously squeezed my injured wrist.

“Umm.. Damian. You are squeezing my wrist.” I winced.

He snapped back to reality and apologized.

“Kat, it’s been more than a week. Don’t you think that it’s time for you guys to talk? Rai is even more of a wreck than you. It’s unsettling to see him like that, and you like this.” He said while finishing the bandage on my wrist.

“Do you think I should, Damian?” I asked quietly.

“Kat, you guys love each other so much. So, yeah, I think you should.” Damian put his arm around me.

“Can it really be mended?” I whispered.

“I’m one hundred percent sure you guys will be able to resolve this,” Damian said soothingly.

“I’m scared, Damian.” My voice was small.

“Don’t be, Kat. You saw how he’d been these past few days. He was dejected and still is. I’m sure everything will be alright.” Damian comforted me, stroking my hair.

“Now?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yeah. This thing has gone for too long.” He said thoughtfully.

Sighing, I stood up. Suddenly Damian pulled me into his arms, kissing my forehead.

“Go find your prince charming. I’ll be here if you need me.” He said softly, looking into my eyes and caressing my cheek.

I nodded, and he let me go.

I was hesitant when I reached Rai’s room. But remembering Damian’s words, it was true that we had to talk about it if we wanted to save our relationship. I braced myself.. and knocked.

“Come in.” I could hear Rai say. His voice sounded small.

I entered and saw him sitting at the edge of his bed, his head hung low.

“Damian said you wanted to talk to me,” I said quietly.

His head snapped up at the sound of my voice.

“Princess..” He stood up and reached for me. I let him touch me. I thought I would feel scared, happy, or any other emotions, but I felt nothing. Rai led me to his bed, and I sat down. He kneeled in front of me.

“Princess. I.. I’m so sorry. I know saying sorry won’t be enough. I know that I’ve hurt you. I regret saying all those things to you. I didn’t mean any of those things. Please trust me, Princess. I don’t want you to hate me.” His voice was so low and so small.

I looked at him but didn't say anything.

“Please say something, Princess.” He begged.

But I was numb, and it must have shown on my face.

“Princess, please..” He pleaded again.

Seeing that I was still shutting him out, Rai suddenly stood up and took a letter opener. He placed it in my hand, wrapped his hand around mine, and pointed the letter opener at his chest.

“What are you doing?” I asked, horrified.

“Rai, stop this.” I tried pulling my hand away but was unable to.

“Princess, I know I’ve hurt you so much, but please don’t reject me. Don’t shut me out. I can’t bear it, princess. I need your warmth; I need your laughter; I need your love. I need you. You can slap me, kick me or hurt me in any way that you want if that’s what it takes to make you feel better. Just please come back to me. Please, Princess.. I love you. I’ll do anything to make this right. Just please.. love me again, Princess.” He looked up at me, looking so lost. His eyes were filled with his desperation to get me back.

“If not, then kill me now because I can’t bear not to have your love, Princess. I’d rather die than to have you reject me.” He continued before I could say or do anything. With that, he plunged the letter opener into his chest, pulling my hand along. I could see blood seeping through his shirt.

Panicked, I let go of the letter opener, but he held it still.

“Rai, what have you done?” I was horrified by what he had done to himself.

“Oh my God, I need to call Damian.” I stood up to go to Damian, but Rai stopped me.

“Princess, please.. If this is not enough, then plunge it deeper to make you feel better, to make you come back to me.” Rai said, looking so vulnerable that my heart ached for him.

At that moment, tears rolled down my eyes, and words came tumbling out of my mouth.

“No, Rai. No. Please don't hurt yourself.” I shook my head.

“But you hate me, Princess. You are shutting me out. I can’t bear it.” His voice was coarse, like he was about to break down.

“You hurt me, Rai. You hurt me so much. How could you not trust me after all the time we’ve spent together. I opened my heart to you; I gave you my everything and what I got from you was distrust. You promised that you wouldn’t hurt me when you asked me to be your girlfriend, and I trusted you. But you called me a slut; you told me I sickened you. Do you know how much it hurt? To hear those words coming from someone that you love? I love you so much, Rai. Why can’t you love me as much?” I sobbed.

“Oh, Princess. If only you knew how much I love you. These past few days without you have been a living hell for me. I was dying inside.” His voice was full of pain.

“But why?” I asked him again, still sobbing.

“I love you too much, Princess. I don’t want you being touched or touching other men. I want you all to myself that I couldn’t think straight. That’s how much I love you, Princess. You might not think it after what happened, but I love you more than you could ever imagine. Please believe me, Princess..” He begged me, his head buried on my lap.

“But your words, Rai. Your words hurt me so much. It felt as if you slapped me. You hurt me, Rai.” By now, I was crying openly.

“I’m so sorry, Princess. I was hurt by the way you were looking at him, the way you were smiling at him. You were holding his hand that was around your shoulder. When I saw him kiss your forehead and you laughed so freely, I thought you had betrayed me, Princess. I didn’t mean to lash out at you. I didn’t mean all my words. I didn't mean any of it, Princess. I know that I shouldn’t have doubted your love for me. Please believe me, Princess.” He begged me again and looked up at me. I could see tears streaming down his beautiful face.

“I’m scared, Rai. What if it happens again?” I looked at him as I sobbed.

“Then let me prove my love to you, Princess. Just give me a chance. Give our love a chance. I will prove my love to you every day until my last dying breath. Give me a chance. Please, Princess..” He looked at me intensely, his eyes searching mine, begging me.

I looked at him for some time. Could I trust him again? After what happened? In the end, I followed my heart and nodded. Even though I still felt that there was something missing, I knew that no matter what, I would still give him a chance because I loved him that much. And I wanted to believe that our love would grow stronger than ever.

After our conversation, he finally took out the letter opener, set it aside, and went to the bathroom to tend his wound. I went to follow him, but he knew I was tired from crying, so he forced me to stay in bed.

***

That night, I moved back to Rai’s room. We didn’t talk. We just lay on the bed facing each other. Rai caressed me gently. My arms, my cheek, my lips. He caressed both my wrists. It was a tender moment. Just as I drifted off to sleep, he kissed me gently and pulled me into his arms.

“Sleep well, my princess. Know that I will love you till the day I die.” He whispered.