Chapter 3

I began sobbing when he started touching me under my shirt with his free hand. I screamed but there was no one to help me. I could only cry, like a stupid dumb weak girl. After a while, he stopped his assaults and clenched his jaw tight as he stared at me.

“No one would want you, slut. You are so ugly that I don’t even want to touch you. You disgust me, bitch. You should rot in hell.” He taunted with his face scrunched up in disgust.

He slapped me a couple of times and then pushed me down on the dirty and wet floor and walked away. My head felt heavy and spots of darkness blinded me for a while before I could re-focus and make out my surroundings.

I couldn’t stop feeling his hands roaming my upper body. I couldn’t stop crying. How could someone’s life be so painful? How could a girl not understand another girl’s pain? Many questions zeroed in my mind but I couldn’t find any answers to my questions. I was so weak and felt so lost. I was grateful that he didn’t do anything else but the very thought of his hands roaming my chest, groping my breasts and caressing my skin made me nauseous and I felt a bitter taste on my tongue. I’ve never been manhandled and assaulted this way. I have never been touched by a male before. I never had a boyfriend. I couldn’t bring myself to have one with the way I was beaten at home. I did not want to drag someone in my mess, so I stayed clear of any boy looking my way. Also, no one wanted to be associated with the girl who was always bullied at school. My bullies made sure that everyone would stay away from me. So, after being touched this way, I was traumatized.

I got up and ran all the way back home without glancing back. I ran straight to my bedroom and grabbed a pen to write yet another letter to mom, still in hope that she will answer back.

My hands were trembling with fear and rage.

My right hand struggled to hold onto the pen well but I forced myself to write.

I had to write.

Dear mom,

Please answer me mom. It’s me, your Lea. I can’t keep up with such a life anymore, mom. I can’t bear living under the same roof as dad, mom. I tried my best to care for him and to help him but in return, I only got bitter words from him, mom. Please mom, come and take me away from here. I am getting weaker. I have lost the courage mom. I can’t. I really can’t, mom. I have lost. I can’t keep waiting mom. I can’t....

I stopped, my right hand giving up on me completely. I slipped from my desk chair and fell down onto the floor briskly. I did not feel any pain as I landed on my knees. I kept replaying my ten years in my head. How my dad abused me and hated me, saying that I was the one responsible behind the departure of my mom. How my classmates bullied me, blaming me of ever being born, of ever being one of their classmates, of ever facing them with my ugly face. Was being an average looking girl a mistake? Was being an abandoned girl a mistake? Was it my mistake that my mother left me? Wasn’t it my father’s mistake? Wasn’t he the one responsible for her leaving us? Weren’t my classmates wrong? Aren’t they to be blamed or am I the only one to be blamed? Was it my fault that I was suffering both at home and at school? I wasn’t.

I never was.

Yet, I was being blamed even when I was never the reason behind everything.

Then, why me? Not being able to think straight, I pulled myself up with the aid of my study desk, stood up on my numbed legs and rushed into the bathroom, grabbed a razor and began cutting myself. It feels good. I am so done with this life. The razor does not seem enough though.

I needed something sharp, something that would help me in ending everything, every suffering, every pain, every taunt, every blame.

I descended the stairs leading in the kitchen downstairs stumbling all the way there and snatched a knife from one of the drawers. Without wasting any time, I slid the knife across my wrists and soon felt dizzy with the lost of blood. I let myself drop down onto the kitchen floor and leaned against the kitchen counter. I smiled as I felt myself slowly falling asleep. I am happy for leaving this heartless world. I’m a human being too. I feel pain like any other human being alive in this world then why? Till when will I bear such extreme pain? It is a pain that wasn’t meant for me; a pain that will only cause me sufferings from living in such a cruel world.

Oh God, I’m crying out

for an angelic helping hand

which would protect me with all might

as the thunderstorm roars through my life

I know there is no hiding place

but only my almighty God in thee

Hide me under your powerful wings

where I’ll be secured indeed

Turn the rainstorm down on

this darkly gruesome yet awesome tempest

I know you’re in control God

but I’m so tired and drained

These things are all your work

so I know it’s meant to be

only give me wisdom

to do what’s expected of me

There are precautions I must take

as yet on earth I live my life

I know I must keep praying

and your blessings you will grace my soul.

But now, I am tired and I can’t live anymore. Please, accept me in your arms, my Lord and protect me under your magic wings. Blackness overcame me and soon I was in an endless sleep.

I thought that I would never wake up again but I was wrong.

Someone saved me.

Why did he save me?

My question was left unanswered.