Chapter 12: Holding Hands

The night was getting deeper and none between Herbie and Migs wanted to leave first.

“Hey, look at that, it’s almost one in the morning!” it was Mandy who spoke. “You, too, have got work to do later so you better both get going.”

“Oh yeah! So Herbie, why don’t you go first.” Migs suggested.

“Oh but…” Herbie wanted to object but he saw Mandy gesturing for him to go ahead and so he did.

It only took Herbie a few seconds to get inside his apartment but that night, he walked really slowly because he was trying to see whether Migs was leaving also.

Herbie stayed by the hallway for a while listening to the sound inside unit 1204. He was glad he heard footsteps because that could only mean Migs was also on his way out. He heard the doorknob turn. Herbie immediately entered his unit but did not lock the door.

“What’s taking him so long to leave?” Herbie was getting impatient.

He peeped through the tiny gap of the door and oh how he regretted doing that.

“How could I possibly choose that moment?” was going through his mind watching Migs as he leaned towards Mandy and kissed her on the lips.

Herbie closed the door shut. It felt like someone just stabbed him right through his heart. “And she’s not even my girlfriend!”  

“How can I unsee that?” A ton of questions were running through his mind all at the same time. “Does she like him? Are they dating? Is he her boyfriend now?” questions that he had no right to ask.

“If you really want her, you got to fight for her, boss!” Kelly found herself advising Herbie early in the morning. “What happened, anyway? You look awful!”

“I’ve had no sleep that’s why. I mean, the three of us stayed up all night talking. I couldn’t leave. I was afraid to leave her alone with that guy. And this morning, I had to leave early. I just don’t know how to react if I see her, you know.”

Kelly stood up from the seat in front of Herbie’s table. Herbie looked so tired and defeated. He couldn’t even keep his head up without a hand supporting it.

Kelly took a cup, poured in a teaspoon of coffee and sugar then filled it with hot water from the mini pantry at the corner of Herbie’s room.

“Boss, she’s been spending time with that man. They work together!” Kelly said as she walked back to his table with a cup of coffee that she thought her boss badly needed.

“I know and I know she needs the job and she’s finally got one that she really loves.” Herbie said as he took a sip of the coffee that Kelly made. “I’m just afraid she’s fallen in love with that Migs guy.”

“How can you say that? Did you ask her?”

“I don’t need to ask her. They kissed!”

“Boss, you don’t know that. So he kissed her! Big deal! The real deal was did she kiss him back?”

“Well, she didn’t push him back or something.”

“You don’t know that, boss. You closed the door remember?”

“What are you trying to say?”

“Boss, you’ve been with women a lot. You know how it works.”

“Yeah, but I feel like I don’t know anymore, it’s been a long time since I felt something like this with someone.”

“Look, you held hands all night while she was talking with Migs.”

“Yeah, but he got to kiss her!”

“Well, yeah, but you should know that sometimes, holding someone’s hand is better than a kiss. Think about it, boss. For now, just finish that coffee ‘cause I need to finish that report you asked from me.”

“Alright, Kelly. Thanks!”

“Holding hands is better than a kiss?”  He repeated, “holding hands is better than a kiss?” He nodded his head “holding hands is better than a kiss.”

For that day, the sentence had become his mantra. It made him feel better. It brought back a lot of times when they touched or held hands.

He was not a big “hand holder” kind of guy nor big on public display of affection. Even with his past girlfriends, he felt awkward whenever the girl would initiate holding hands while walking or kissing in a corner during a party. He preferred doing things like that in private.

But things are different with Mandy. He loved it whenever she would sit beside him in a single-seater even when no one was sitting on the sofa. When they sit beside each other, he loved the feel of her hand on his thigh, which she often did especially when she felt nervous, excited, sad, happy.

He could not remember when they started to feel that comfortable with one another. It felt like that from the beginning if he was being really honest. At first, he just let her hand rest on his knee or on his thigh. But there was this one time when he was the one who felt awkward. It was the watch incident at a party. He had a girlfriend then, Claudia, it was. He brought along Mandy and her boyfriend then, Don.. “or was it Dan?”  

Claudia and Herbie, Mandy and Don or maybe Dan occupying a table drinking and talking during the party of a friend. A man suddenly approached the table. It was an ex-boyfriend of Claudia’s. No, he was not flirting with Claudia it was just this comment that he made him want to be swallowed whole by the Earth.

“I see you kept the watch!” that was what the ex told Claudia. His eyes were darted on the watch on Herbie’s wrist that Claudia gave him as a birthday present. Everyone on the table pretended that they didn’t hear but he knew everyone understood what he meant.

Herbie felt heat spreading all over his face. He knew he turned either red or pale of embarrassment and also of hurt. Then from under the table he grabbed not Claudia’s hand but Mandy’s hand. Having her skin so close with his calmed him. And so from then on, every time Mandy’s hand would sit on his thigh, he didn’t just look at it. He held her hand, too.

That single moment with the watch ended his relationship with Claudia.

“Holding hands is better than a kiss… It really is!” he repeated in his head. Because even in the silence, holding her hand and Mandy holding his just always spelled - “I’m always here for you.”