4. Girl Like me?

Girl Like me?

- Natalie -

The next few days go in a blur. I am too numb to process things or talk to Riley. Completely confused if I am supposed to warn her or If West is right and I was just expecting a relationship when he didn’t want anything from me.

Shit has hit fan in school too. I have been isolated. I am still avoiding West & Riley for the last three days. I understand Riley’s confusion. But I don’t understand why the hell West is still approaching me. I am giving him the fucking space he often asked for. Why doesn’t he just enjoy it?

As I sit in my room just blankly staring out the window, a chime from my phone breaks my trance. Both of them have been texting me a lot. I am reading her messages, but avoiding him. I will probably have to talk to them. Both of them. I need to make sure he doesn’t use Riley as he used me.

Riley: ‘You have no idea how much I am missing you. Can we please talk? West isn’t telling me anything.’

Riley: ‘I hate it when you guys fight.’

Me: ‘Come home. I want to talk.’

Me: ‘Alone.’

Me: ‘Don’t tell West.’

When she comes to my room. I am still confused about what I am supposed to say or ask her. She had a bad breakup a few months ago. I do not have the heart to tell her how West has tricked her, too. Then again, his words from that night echo my mind.

‘I like her, Nat. I have always liked her. I have been trying to tell you about it.’

“Will you please tell me what happened that night?” She breaks my train of thought.

It’s shameful. But I tell her anyway. I tell her I got drunk and almost slept with someone I didn’t know. The more I think about it, the angrier I become at myself. For being so hasty. I feel even more pathetic about belittling Norris. I could have apologized to him, but I have no words. When I feel better and find words, I will apologize.

Riley is kind. She tells me I should be careful next time but not beat myself about it. She doesn’t realize I was being impulsive on purpose and hugs me.

“How was your summer break?” I ask her after a while.

I can see her cheeks redden. I cannot help but smile.

“Is there something I need to know?”

She tries to avoid my gaze, but nods. A realization hit me. I was so self-absorbed with West and his troubles. I didn’t notice she was finally being herself again. This is why she was so chirpy that night. My chest tightens again. We made numerous efforts to make her feel better after her breakup. Now she is finally her cheerful self again.

West did this.

Probably he is happier too.

“Care to share?” I try to coax out of her.

“I am not supposed to tell anyone yet, but West and I are kinda seeing each other.” I scoff internally. He is trying to keep it a secret too. So fucking original.

“We started getting closer after that picnic we had before the summer break.”

As soon as I hear it, tears shimmer in my eyes without my permission. After shedding so many tears, I thought it won’t happen again. It’s like I am watching them getting into the car backseat all over again. I shared so many moments with West during that time. Was he sleeping with both of us?

Riley looks at me mortified, “I know we should have told you. But West was reluctant about it. He said he wanted to be sure.”

She can be really dumb sometimes. She thinks I am hurt because they didn’t tell me.

“I didn’t realize it would hurt you,” she adds. It’s a relief that she doesn’t ask me why I am crying. But relief itself is short-lived.

She looks at me warily for a while and asks, “It’s something else. Tell me what it is?”

I don’t have the strength to tell her. But I don’t have the strength to hide my tears either. So I stay quiet and hug her.

“You like West, don’t you?” She asks in a meek voice. “I always thought you guys might hit it off, that’s why I always gave you two space.” 

I nod and laugh while wiping my tears. I swallow and tell her, “It wasn’t meant to be.”

I want to tell her West was in a relationship with me when he started pursuing her. But his words from that night still linger in my head.

‘We never were in a relationship, Nat. Wasn’t it clear?’

I have been questioning myself constantly If I really mistook this fling between us to be a relationship. I am not sure anymore if I was delusional before or I am delusional now.

“We were kinda close... I mistook it for something else.” I tell her instead. Apart from his attempt to kiss me that night, we didn’t sleep during or after the break. I guess I shouldn’t make a fuss about it.

Her expression is indecipherable.

“I need some time, Riley. Will you guys give me some space?” 

Her expression turns frantic. “Please…” I tell her before she can say anything.

As she leaves, I wonder if I should tell her not to keep it a secret. Part of me is so jealous that not a word of warning spits out of my mouth. It’s petty, but it doesn’t stop me from being envious of her beauty. Giving all of me all my attention and love to West wasn’t enough. All she had to do was bring her flawless face in distress in front of him and he is gone.

 I don’t tell her it’s probably my goodbye. They can be happily ever after, but I cannot sit around to watch it. It would be enough torture to see them in school.

… …

“What did you tell her?” West corners me at school the next day and asks me in a hardened expression I have never seen before.

I shrug. “She is your girlfriend. Didn’t she tell you?”

He sighs and looks away from me. “I had no idea you mistook this thing as a relationship. The way it happened...” He trails off and continues as he looks at me again, “It was supposed to be a secret, Nat. What did you tell her? She is being-“

I cut him in the middle. “Your dirty secret is safe with me. If that’s what you are concerned about.” He looks offended at my choice of words.

“You were sleeping with her even before summer break.” I take a shot and he doesn’t object.

I shake my head in disbelief at his mute confirmation and say, “All that time we spend West. I thought we were something.”

“Don’t start that again.” His expression hardens again. “Don’t tell me you expected that I would consider being with a girl like you.”

I raise my eyebrow. “Girl like me?”

“You were an easy fuck, Natalie. That’s all you were…”

He brushes past me, leaving me in shock. His comment feels like a slap on my face. I tell myself he is deliberately saying this to hurt me. To shut me up for good. To his credit, he has done it. My mind wanders to the night of the party.

‘Why do you care? It might serve you some purpose.’ I had told that guy.

Of course, I am an easy fuck.

I offered myself to that guy so easily. It was a miracle that Norris interrupted, and things didn’t go worse that night. I also wish I hadn't snapped at him and had gone to that park where those boys were looking for a chance to molest me. 

Now everyone thinks I fucked them all.

… …

For the next few weeks, West and Riley leave me alone for good. So it shocks me when I see a notification from West on my phone.

West: ‘We could still be friends, Nat. I miss you. Riley misses you too… what’s point of ruining our friendship for a misunderstanding’

I chuckle humorlessly at his audacity. Sometimes I sincerely wonder if he is deranged or something. I was quite handy, you see. I am sure he misses the privileges, not me.

Me: ‘I guess you miss fucking me. Don’t misinterpret your feelings West’

He doesn’t reply for a while. I smirk thinking I caught him off guard.

West: ‘That could be true. Maybe we could meet for a quickie tonight.’

Me: ‘Sorry I have a long list to fuck and you are not on it West.’

If someone would have told me a few months ago that this is how we will treat each other, I wouldn’t have believed them.

Despite all the pain, heartbreak, and anger, I really regret not telling the truth to Riley when it was time. Now my repo is so terrible at school I doubt she will believe me.

I have been labeled The School’s Slut. Boys have been asking me if they could get a blow job very often. Some tried to corner me in groups. They said they can show me a good time if I let them cluster-fuck me. I should probably be worried. Because these offers don’t upset me as if I have lost the ability to feel emotions.