A Rubber Band And A Wave

"What says the time honey..."

Martin checked on his watch and answered. "8 am sharp."

I took in a deep breath. "We have the day all to ourselves. So... what's next? Honey, what's next?"

"I don't know, I mean, I have no idea of what's next?"

"Okay how about I ask you questions and you answer, you can ask me questions and I'll answer, how about that?"

"It's great."

"So here's my first question, what do you think you can give me at this moment?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

"Don't get me angry, I need an answer to my question and I don't know doesn't count."

"I said I don't know."

I shot the gun on his finger as he yelped in pain.

"This is what happens when you don't give me a good reply to my questions. Uh... are you still crying honey, am sorry." A smirk plastered on my face. "You're a real man, real men don't cry, but your crying like a baby." I laughed hysterically.

"You find this funny. You find your madness funny."

"Hey watch your tongue."

Fear gripped him as I pointed the gun at his leg. "You talk when I tell you to talk, got it?"

"Yes, love."

"Let's talk. I talk first and when I stop you talk and we go on with a conversation. Is that clear?" 

"Yes, love."

"Good. I called my mom earlier and told her about our marriage, she's gone to a therapist before so she is familiar with our differences. I learned so much from her."

"Okay am following."

"Good. What I need this moment. I need more than you can give. My pain is valid. It hurts to be abandoned when I need your love. You are not wrong for needing space, and I am not wrong for wanting to be close. I can be more trusting and forgiving if you are caring and understanding of my hurt. By understanding my hurt you won't make me wrong for being upset and in pain. Although you can't give me the support I want and need, you can avoid making it worse by arguing. Reassuring me that you will be back, and then you will be able to give the support I deserve, that's what I expect. There is nothing wrong if you need to be alone or watch tv, and there is nothing wrong with my hurt feelings. Instead of arguing for your right to watch tv, you could just tell me something like this. 'I understand you're upset, and right now I need to watch tv and relax. When I feel better we can talk.' This would give you time to watch tv as well as an opportunity to cool off and prepare yourself to listen to my hurt without making my hurt feelings wrong. I may not like the response, but I will respect it. Of course, I want you to be your usual loving self, but if you need to pull away, then that is your valid need. You cannot give what you don't have. What you can do is avoid making things worse. The solution lies in respecting your needs as well as mine. You should take the time you need and then come back and give me what I need. When you can't listen to my hurt feelings because you need to pull away, you can say, 'I understand you feel hurt and I need some time to think about it. Let's take a time-out.' For you to excuse yourself in this way and stop listening is much better than trying to explain away my hurt."

"What you get is the best I can give you. I can't reassure you that I'll be back to support you but I'll always be back. By not demanding that I listen to you when you want to talk, you can avoid making the problem much worse by having a huge argument, you get my support when I come back. When I am truly capable of supporting you. When I pull away I return and will be back with a lot more love. Then I can listen, that's the best time to initiate conversation."

"Yeah, I get it. Timing is very important." I laughed. "Wow I love how this is going, so here's my second question, does money fulfil emotional needs?"

"Of course. Money is the solution to all problems."

"No honey, you got it wrong. Do you know what I learnt about you? I learnt that you just like a rubber band, most times you need to be alone and then you come stretching back. But you don't just get it. Look at us, we are financially okay but I normally get upset from time to time and money cannot prevent me from being upset because am like a wave, wave of emotions, so one minute am happy and the other minute am upset. So when my happy waves come crashing down, we fight because you would invalidate my need to be upset."

"I wasn't thinking when I said that. Money perhaps may not be able to solve emotional needs but you have to fix yourself."

"No, it's natural for a woman you get, it's normal and predictable. Just like it's normal for you to stay on your own and solve your problems yourself."

"Feelings are more important to you, right?"

"Fucking yes. When am on the upswing I can be fulfilled with what I have, but when on the downswing I then will become aware of what I am missing. When I am feeling good, I am capable of seeing and responding to the good things in my life. But when I am crashing, my loving vision becomes cloudy, and I react more to what am missing in my life. Just as a glass of water can be viewed as half or half empty, when am on my way up I see the fullness of life. On the way down I see the emptiness. Whatever emptiness I overlook on my way up comes more with focus when I am on my way down into my well. These are my feelings and I can't overemphasize their importance."

I found relief pouring out my heart and trying to stitch up the misunderstandings.