All Listed Out

"What do you think was wrong with our relationship?" I asked.

"I was typically giving in our relationship what I want while you were giving what you want."

"So who is to be blamed then, nobody right?"

"Yeah, nobody."

"Can we start over then?"

"You shot my finger but starting over would be great."

We both laughed.

"Am sorry, I just had to make you understand." I placed the gun on the ground.

"So that's why you put on this act."

"Yeah, but I was hurt. I felt I give but do not get back."

"I felt that way too." 

"I felt more like my love is unacknowledged and unappreciated."

"Don't get me wrong, we were both giving love but not in the desired manner. I was very angry with you, I was annoyed when you asked lots of caring questions or when you expressed concern. I felt controlled and I wanted space."

"You know, if I was offered that kind of support I would be appreciative. It was confusing for me back then. My efforts to be loving were best ignored and at worst annoying, but am glad that everything is all sorted out. A woman like me, when am upset I need to be heard and understood. From now on for this relationship to work, you need to adhere to my primary needs."

"What are they?"

"First of all, I need care. Care means that you show interest in my feelings and heartfelt concern for my well being."

"Well noted, but you need to trust me more."

"I'll trust you more when you make me feel special in a caring way, that will make my attitude more open and receptive. To trust you is to believe that you are doing your best and that you want the best for me, so my attitude needs to be open and receptive then my reactions will reveal a positive belief in your ability and intentions." I paused and swallowed hard. "My second need is understanding, listening without judgment but with empathy and relatedness to me when I am expressing my feelings. An understanding attitude doesn't presume to already know my thoughts or feelings, instead, it gathers meaning from what is heard, and moves toward validating what is being communicated."

"And I need acceptance, you not trying to change me. An accepting attitude does not reject but affirms that I am favourably received. It does not mean that you believe I am perfect but indicates that you are not trying to improve me, that you trust me to make my improvements."

"Listen, the more my need to be heard and understood is fulfilled, the easier it is for me to give you the acceptance you need."

"No, it shouldn't be that way, instead, when I am accepted it is much easier for me to listen and give you the understanding you need and deserve."

"Oh, I see. You want acceptance, I will try and give that to you first and compromise my need to be heard and understood, but then again, my third need is respect. When you respond to me in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes my rights, wishes, and needs, that's respect. When your behaviour takes into consideration, my thoughts and feelings, I am sure to feel respected."

"I will appreciate if also you will acknowledge having received my future personal benefit and value from my efforts and behaviour because appreciation is the natural reaction to being supportive. When you appreciate, I know my effort is not wasted and I'll be encouraged to give more. When I am appreciated I am automatically empowered and motivated to respect you more."

"As I feel respected I will appreciate you, does that do it?"

"Okay that's fine"

"My fourth need is devotion. When you give priority to my needs and commit yourself to support and fulfil them, then my fourth primary need is fulfilled. I thrive when I feel adored and special. You fulfil my need to be loved in this way when you make my feelings and needs more important than your other interests like work, sports etc."

"Just like you need my devotion, I have my primary need to feel your admiration. To admire me is to regard me with wonder, delight, and pleased approval. I feel admired when you are happily amazed by my unique characteristics or talents which is my humour, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, and other of my old virtues while we were dating. When I feel admired, I feel secure enough to devote myself to you and adore you."

"I'll only be able to admire you quite easily if you feel that I am number one in your life."

"Trust me, your number one in my life, ain't I number one in your life."

"God is number one in my life."

"Oh... God. So am number two then."

"Umm let me think, no."

"Huh, so who then is number two."

"My changed husband."

"Oh, that's me."

"No, it isn't you unless I see it."

Oh! How I love to see a changed man.